Wednesday, January 19, 2005

American Idols My Ass

When did somebody decide that kareoke should be removed from the smoky darkness of bars where it can be tolerated with cupped ears and then quickly forgotten in a haze of booze? Or by physically assaulting the D.J. with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a corkscrew until he stops letting the plump chick who's been pounding Jaeger Bombs butcher Celine Dion songs, which I wouldn't know anything about. (No, really, honest, it didn't happen while bartending.)

When did somebody decide that what America's television audience wanted was pop star wannabees whose only talent - other than looking really, really excited at all times! - is to carry a tune without completely obliterating it?

When did somebody decide that America would actually give a shit about the opinion of Simon Cowell, whose apparent qualification for the show is "producing" horrendously gawdawful music by, ahem, artists who are hardly ever heard of?

When did somebody decide that Clay Aiken was anything other than a wuss version of Barry Manilow, who looks like Dirty Harry next to the red-headed waif?

And who OK'd the orginal idea?

And why haven't these people been shot?

And where are they so I can take care of this?

And, most importantly, why do people watch?

I only ask because FOX, that bastion of boundry-pushing artistic genius, is starting up with its new season of "American Idol." This means that if the possibilty of driving a steak knife into your eye socket sounds enticing, you can spend valuable minutes of your life watching some talentless hack become a household name while asking yourself things like, "Is this really my life - watching this glorified junior high talent show?" and "If Simon Cowell was to turn up dead, could I make-up a solid alibi?"

Nevermind that the talentless hack doesn't write his/her own songs. Nevermind that the talentless hack has probably never picked up an instrument in his/her life. Nevermind that the talentless hack's voice isn't all that special, at least in a way that would draw attention if it wasn't for a show specifically designed for talentless hacks who can look really, really excited at all times.

Put these talentless hacks in a room with the instrument of their choice, a pen, and some paper. Tell them to come out when they've written a song, something viable and worthy, something that they actually - gasp!- created on their own.

What do you suppose you would you get?

The sound of silence, if you were lucky.

Look, any show that unleashed Aiken on an unsuspecting world should be cancelled faster than a sitcom starring post-Seinfeld Jason Alexander.

I guess the saddest part of this glorified kareoke is that people actually watch. By the millions.

People are stupid. This is clear.

This is a Poll!

What would the Unknown Column do as a contestant on "American Idol?"

A) Sing a medley of "Rock Music" by the Pixies and "March of the Pigs" by Nine Inch Nails - but louder and angrier.

B) Beat the living hell out of Simon Cowell, and then ask him what his opinion is of that. And then continue to beat the living hell out of him when he begins to answer.

C) Try to score with the show's hottest female contestant - and the other female contestants, as well.

D) Sadly inform Paula Abdul that, yes, I'm being straight up; yes, I'm just having fun; no, I'm not going to really love her forever; and, yes, she's caught in a hit and run.

E) Find out from Randy Jackson if the thug life is really as dangerous as they say.

F) Defecate on the stage in a beautful and forever memorable moment of true rock'n'roll rebellion. And Jim Morrison thought he was being rebellious by singing "Girl, we couldn't get much higher" on the Ed Sullivan show? Ha!

G) All of the above.

"Music is a higher revelation than all wisdom and philosphy. Music is the electrical soil in which the spirit lives, thinks and invents." - Ludwig van Beethoven

Tonight's Likes - 1/19/2005

Bulls (+5) at Celtics
I'm still riding da Bulls, baby!

Boston College (-6) over Villanova
Just evening out my Boston vibes for the night

Record: 18-13


Blogger Hoodrow said...

Tough night for the Bulls. And especially my boy Ben. But Tyson is looking pretty solid -- at least his stats are. Let's hope this was just a little bump in the road.

9:08 PM  
Blogger UnknownColumn said...

Can't win them all. They actually led going into the fourth quarter before going cold, so they need to learn how to close on the road. That'll be the next step.

4:29 AM  
Blogger kegtron said...

is it me or does paula abdul look like the lady primate from planet of the apes?

10:11 AM  
Blogger kegtron said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

10:12 AM  
Blogger UnknownColumn said...

Haha! Yeah, I can see that. Maybe I would have better luck with primate women. Off to the zoo.

1:45 PM  
Blogger Hoodrow said...

Tron has been censored. Ha. Ha. Ha.

(I know, I know, it was just a dupe.)

7:41 PM  

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