Monday, January 31, 2005

Oh, To Be A Fly In The Locker Room After This Game



Sally Anthony, co-owner of the Nashville Rhythm of the ABA, is singlehandedly attempting to push the role of women in sports back decades.

Not only did Anthony fire Ashley McElhiney, who was the first-ever woman to coach a mens professional basketball team, but she fired the coach of a 17-7 winner, but not before heading down to the sidline to physically confront McElhiney during a game. Anthony had to be removed by stadium security.

And people say Al Davis is a meddling owner.

I'm guessing McElhiney won't have to wait long for another job.

Meanwhile, Ms. Anthony's greatest crime may be her music. Man, you can just tell it sucks.

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Ante Razov, the Fire's all-time leading score, has been traded to the Columbus Crew. I'm really starting to have a hard time recognizing the Fire anymore. All the old familiar faces are leaving one by one.

On the plus side, Tony Sanneh is a veteran of the U.S. national team, and Razov has had health concerns, so this deal doesn't look bad.

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Rumor has it that porn star Dale Dabone - Dabone? That's dafunny - is dating Jennifer Capriati.

I wonder if Dabone ever saw this picture. I'm actually frightened.

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Try this. It's pretty freaky.

This might be even more freaky...but funny, too.

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Have you ever potty trained a toddler?

I haven't. So I'm no expert on the matter. I don't think, however, that the proper method would be to force a toddler to sit on the porcelain throne until he does his thing once and then deem the project complete and successful.

No matter how many times the toddler participates in the glamorous world of correct bowel and bladder movement, the training process isn't over until you never again have to bend over, place a couple fingers down the back of the diaper, and take a nice big whiff.

The potty training process takes time. It can be a long and trying. And you just might put your fingers right in some shit.

So please forgive me if I don't blindly dive into all the joy and relief surrounding the Iraqi elections.

And please don't accuse me of comparing the Iraqi people to toddlers. It's only an analogy.

And, hey, I promised you yesterday I was only taking one day off from my BushCo bashing.

Sure, the Iraqi people turned out to vote en masse and this is awesome. The thing is, we shouldn't be surprised by this. BushCo and all the various talking heads - liberal, conservative and otherwise - shouldn't just plaster photos of Iraqis in line to vote and proclaim the day to be an outright success.

Like I said previously, the Iraqi people have been tortured and tormented for a long, long time. Their willingness to vote, even in the face of the insurgents' warnings and pointless acts of violence, is not a reflection of some monumental success by BushCo. Rather it is the natural progression of a people that has been under the boot of tyranny for so long that - of course! - they will lunge at the first scent of freedom. Is this rocket science? No. Did we have to bomb them to find this out? BushCo obviously thought so.

Naturally, the surely gloating right will tell us that this is proof of BushCo's supreme and unwavering vision. It's not. In fact, the true tragedy of it all is that BushCo failed to envision a path for democracy without slaughtering thousands of innocent Iraqis with the blood of American soldiers.

They will tell us that George Bush is an heroic crusader, better than Ronald Reagan, and an angel sent to deliver freedom to the oppressed. Yeah, well, just like Reagan and his not-so-gallant wars in Central America in the 1980s, Bush is great at assembling America's monstrous military might and trouncing into small, poor countries armed only with makeshift militaries and playing the role of glorious conqueror. Just like Reagan, Bush picks on the weak and largely defenseless and feels proud of himself.

Let me ask you this: If Bush is so strong and righteous and dominant, why not attack Saudi Arabia? Why not attack one of the most tyrannical and oppressive nations in the world? Why not attack the nation that supplied 15 of the 19 hijackers on 9/11?

Could it be because Bush is nothing more than a fake and an image maker offering futile and phony wars in the name of humanity, self-righteous back patting and oil deals? Could it be because he's a pussy standing on a pedestal of deceptions and half-truths?

Ding, ding, ding!!!

But I digress. I'll ease up on BushCo for just a moment and tell you what is really bothering me about these Iraqi elections.

The Iraqis themselves. Or more to the point, the Middle East, otherwise know as Hell on Earth.

Look, I just don't buy that democracy is going to all of a sudden take hold. In fact, I just don't buy that democracy is going to take hold...well, ever.

After all, this is the Middle East, where if someone isn't your enemy, he should still be looked at very suspiciously, possibly even bombed, perhaps soley out of boredom and pent up frustration over sexual hang-ups and taboos over booze.

The Middle East is an eternal mess where apparently everyone hates themselves nearly as much as they hate everyone and everything else. I know I might sound like a pessimist or stereotyping loudmouth, but the Sunnis and Shiites and Kurds will go on bombing each other and wrestling for power and generally being total dicks forever. At least that's what I suspect.

This is the Middle Eastern way. Iraq. Iran. Saudi Arabia. Syria. Sunnis. Shiites. Jews. Palestinians. Whoever. It's the same old story. Always.

Am I stereotyping? I don't think so. I'm just being honest and objective.

So don't tell me that we should celebrate the dawning of a new day because we held the insurgents relatively at bay for a few hours and spoon-fed democracy to the Iraqi people in possibly a one-time deal.

Please don't tell me this, because that toddler is leaning over to grab the rubber ducky in the tub and smearing shit all over the seat.

No amount of guns and tanks and armor, and no death toll, will change the Iraqi people.

Only they can do this. Only they can change themselves. And too many Middle Easterners have done not nearly enough changing for centuries.

And when the Middle East does change, only then will I celebrate.

And only then will I believe it.

Because as far as I can tell, the Middle East is still sitting in a soggy, stanking diaper looking pathetic.

And the bombings have not stopped.

Not now, possibly not ever.

And you think I'm a pessimist? Sheesh, someone open up some taverns and strip joints over there.

Lighten up already.
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"Why doesn't your intelligence support what we know is out there?" - Dick Cheney
"The greater the power, the more dangerous the abuse." - Edmund Burke

2 Comments:

Blogger Hoodrow said...

What an incredibly bizarre story with that owner. Just gets nuttier by the day. That said, she sure does have a helluva nice ass for a boss, no?

As for Jen-Jen, based on Bengal's take on your flirtations with cgug, I'm thinking you really just might dig that pic. Egads.

5:52 PM  
Blogger WarriorFive said...

I love the picture, look at the eyes of Ashley and the dude sitting next to her. What would the little bubble say if we could read his mind?
'Man I knew White Bitches were crazy, but god damm, this Bitch takes the cake!'

7:45 AM  

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