Thursday, February 03, 2005

Static of the Union


It's 6 p.m. Wednesday. In a couple of hours Georgie will give the first State of the Union address of his second term. I'm going to watch. Why? Because he's so easy to dissect and he NEEDS to be dissected and I like dissecting him like a bug, a slimy bug with horribly awful ideas and henchmen.

And I'm bored and we all know how... (yawn) ...exciting politicians ... (stretch) ... can be. (Zzzzzzzzzzzz.)

I already know what to expect.

I expect him to say "freedom" and "democracy" and "liberty" roughly 238 times - each. (Can somebody please count how many times he actually does so and get back to me?) I'm still waiting to see what happens when the chord protruding from his back is pulled one too many times and breaks and he slumps straight ahead onto the podium and mutters in an endless loop, "freed-ocracy ... freed-ocracy ... freed-ocracy...

I expect him to say really nice things about the Iraqi people and how he did it all for them out of the kindness of his heart and how they were so brave and how he's certain they will be so brave again in the future when the chorus of bombs is still bellowing and we're no longer there to run the entire operation with...well, with a friggin' army.

I expect him to talk up his new Social Security plan. Of course, I don't expect him to mention many of the details other than some sudden desire to completely overhaul the entire system. He'll be more vague than a longterm commitment from a porn star. He'll just let us all know that he plans on taking it all apart to put something else entirely new, and assumedly not well-planned out judging by his track record, in its place. I won't pretend to be an expert on Social Security, but this worries me, it really worries me. This so-called plan, this surely blurry vision, is coming from the guy who has overseen the relentless explosion of a massive, spiraling deficit while shamelessly charging more and more to the national credit card than Anna Nicole Smith on an L.A. shopping spree wild with booze and drugs. And now are we actually supposed to listen to him spew out plans for what he THINKS will work 40 years from now? You kidding? Surely, you must be kidding. That just makes me laugh. Yeah, I believe some people, a rare lot, have the foresight to do such a thing, but not Georgie. Look, some people may have a problem with the Cubs getting rid of Sammy Sosa, but Georgie traded Sosa in 1989, which was exactly one - ONE! - home run into Sosa's career. Slammin' Sammy currently has 574 home runs. Now that's foresight!

I don't expect Georgie to say much about health care, nor much about how too many Americans don't have any, nor much about how so many Americans who get sick must also must go bankrupt because of it. Double whammy on the poor. You know, maybe Georgie WILL mention this growing problem. Maybe he'll look right into the television cameras and say, "Yeah, health care is a big, fat mess, but MY peeps are doing fine so you can all kiss my ass and screw everyone else!" Hey, at least the honesty would be refreshing.

I don't expect him to say much about the many ways the billion$ spent on war in Iraq could have been spent on something like, say, education.

I don't expect him to say much about how segments of his infamous core group of supporters, those holier than thou yahoos who think they should determine for everyone what is decent and moral, are actually in bed with the hardcore porn industry. (OK, this I don't have much of a problem with. I wouldn't mind being in bed with the hardcore porn industry myself, but I'd actually be in a BED.)

Most of all, I expect to be repulsed, aghast, and drinking hard.

But I'll watch Georgie tonight. I have to. We all do. He almost won the election in 2000 so I guess he figured that was close enough to move on into the White House (via the "internets" at his Crawford ranch) and stand in front of the American people and act like he knows what he's doing. Yup. So now here he'll stand telling us how, don't worry, he has it all figured out and he has big, big plans and, yeah, we're at war and, yeah, we're going broke, but everything is under control and freedom, democracy, freedom, democracy, freedom, democracy....

And in his wake, meanwhile, will lie fuck-ups like so many potholes in a long-abandoned road.

But here's the real test, the real gauge of tonight's speech: Will Georgie mention the Super Bowl? Everyone loves the Super Bowl. It's Super Bowl week. America at her finest! Will he mention it?

I demand that my president mention the Super Bowl during Super Bowl week. Demand it!

If not, he must be a communist, or a terrorist, or maybe when he said he never reads the newspapers he meant - gasp! - even the sports section.

As an American sports fan, I will not stand for such shortcomings in my president. Neither will Rasheed Wallace.

Below in this post I will comment on Georgie's speech after I limit my pulsing disbelief with valium and a stiff drink.


That was quite an ass-whooping Illinois laid on Michigan State on Tuesday night. 81-68. Sweet.

Check out this week's Sports Illustrated for an article on the Illini. I would link it, but I think SI charges and these days I'm putting all my extra money in my Social Security fund.

By the way, Illini center Nick Smith, who SI described as "a 7'2" perimeter drifter" leaving me to wonder if "7'2"" and "perimeter drifter" should ever be mentioned in the same sentence, offered one of the better quotes I've seen in awhile: " I like to think I'm kind of bipolar."

Hahaha! I wrestle with the same question.


Please don't tell me the Bulls are slipping back into their old ways. I don't feel like writing any more of my "Fuck (Insert name of a Bulls player/coach)!" rants. I though we were past that.


I always figured that dealing with Kobe Bryant had to be one of Life's more horrifying endeavors, right up there with watching The View or listening to a David Hasselhoff album.

Well, it looks like Rudy Tomjanovich learned this very lesson the hard way and decided to resign as Lakers coach in a shocking move.

I wonder if Phil Jackson called up Tomjanovich and was like, "See? SEE??? Is Kobe a dick or what???"

I feel for Tomjanovich. His L.A. experiment must have been a bad, bad trip for him to bail out even before the All-Star break. I've always been a fan, ever since his Rockets teams in the mid-1990s won a couple of titles while Michael Jordan took time off from the NBA to play catch with his deceased dad in Birmingham. Hakeem the Dream. Clyde the Glide. Otis Thorpe and Kenny Smith. A young and already bald Sam Cassell. Vernon Maxwell charging into crowds to club a fan long before Ron Artest and Stephen Jackson made it fashionable. Mario Elie walking around like, "I told you mofos I never should have been rotting away in the CBA. I was playing in Albany! ALBANY! Have you ever been to Albany?!?!?"

Those were some fun Rockets teams and, strangely, often overlooked in the pantheon of back-to-back champions. Of course, just when things were really rolling for the Rocket's franchise they made the mistake of changing their uniforms to something with a cartoon on the front. This look was simple, title-worthy and classic. This look not so much. This may have been one of the dumber decisions in NBA fashion history, right up there with whomever in the current New Orleans Hornets front office waltzed into a meeting one day and proclaimed, "You know, I think we can work yellow, teal, AND purple into our color scheme."

Tomjanovich always seemed like a guy who would yell at refs all night for his players with his raspy smoker's voice and then have a beer with them in his locker room office after the game. Then he had to walk away from his gig with the Rockets, forced to battle cancer, not to mention a lifelong affection for alcohol and smokes.

But he worked it all out. Got healthy.

He decided to comeback. He seemed excited about it, wanting a job most coaches would have run away from like a child-toting mother from Michael Jackson. Taking over a Lakers team that Kobe did a wonderful job decimating through a storm of uncompromising ego looked like a bad career move for most any coach - not to mention incredibly dumb - but Tomjanovich seemed like one of the few who might make it work.

Maybe Tomjanovich's health and the eternal Kobe cloud were a volatile mix, and not good for longevity. How much of his resignation was a result of health concerns, and how much was distaste for the depressing Kobe saga, is not known (Tomjanovich said it was strictly health concerns), but he was probably wise to get out sooner than later.

I know alcohol and cigarettes are taboo for Tomjanovich these days, but I'd like to think that somewhere he poured himself (just) one drink and lit up (just) one cigarette (for old time's sake), sat back, and felt at peace with his decision.

Meanwhile, Kobe's turbulent season is helping cement my belief in karma. It looks like bickering with a coach who has nine title rings (Jackson), running off one of the best centers in NBA history (Shaq), and engaging in embarrassing spats in public with possibly the greatest power forward ever (Karl Malone) over, of all things, wives doesn't quite net positive results.

Oh, and there's that whole rape thing, which I won't even touch.

Strange how that karma thing works. Who would have figured?



Well, Bush's speech is over. A few thoughts between Jack and Cokes and head butts into a wall...

- Dan Rather opened the CBS broadcast by saying that Bush was running late and that Bush "never likes to be late to anything."

Huh? How about adulthood? Wasn't Bush drinking hard and snorting coke until he was forty? Look, I won't judge anybody for doing such things, but Bush wasn't exactly racing towards being Mr. Responsibility. In fact, still I expect him to arrive someday, hopefully soon.

- That whole sit/stand/sit/stand clapping thing is simply embarrassing for everyone involved. Give it a rest. Enough with the shameless ass-kissing. Jeez.

- As much as I tried to pay attention to what Georgie was saying, I was very distracted by the sight of Dick Cheney and Dennis Hastert behind him. Hastert looked like he was gauging the distance to Georgie's ass to see if his tongue was long enough to reach, and I'll forever be weirded out by Cheney's outfit.

- I love how Georgie talked about cutting the deficit in half by 2009. This makes me laugh on two levels: 1) I doubt he can do it, and 2) isn't it ironic that he talks of cutting in half a record-breaking deficit that HE CREATED?

So say he does cut the deficit in half, which, again, I doubt. Wouldn't this be like a football coach saying after a game, "Well, we were down by thirty points at halftime, but we only lost by 15"?

Um, yeah, that's great and all, but YOU STILL LOST!

- I think I laughed hardest when Georgie mentioned community colleges. I was laughing too hard to fully remember what he said exactly, but community colleges are always funny.

- I stopped laughing and became fascinated with the pulsing veins in my neck when Georgie spoke of improving health care and - get this! - the environment. Hahaha! The environment? Really? Georgie has alot of balls to be mentioning the environment considering all he's done to relax laws that protect it and stuff the pockets of his cronies who profit from its destruction.

This is like Rams coach Mike Martz preaching the importance of the running game.

Don't do it, Georgie. Just don't. Don't even mention the environment. I haven't witnessed such lip service since I watched Chloe Sevigny in The Brown Bunny. Now I'm getting pissed off. Pure shamelessness on Georgie's part.

- Georgie mentioned renewable sources such as ethanol. Does he even know what ethanol is?

- How sadly ironic is it that Georgie stressed less American dependence on foreign energy as we bomb Iraq and set up oil pipelines?

- I kept hoping that every time the cameras went to a John McCain or John Kerry or Hillary Clinton a humorous bubble would pop up next to their heads a la Blind Date.

- Of course, Georgie talked of his Social Security, ahem, "plans," or "voluntary personal retirement accounts," which to me sounds a little too much like "You better save money all by your lonesome or you'll be 65-years old and fucked."

Now, my first problem with this is the word "voluntary." Why do I get the feeling that under Georgie's "plan" only the wealthy will muster enough money to "voluntarily" put it into an account.

And I particularly didn't like when Georgie started mentioning bonds and stocks and Wall street. Is he serious? He wants to take people's late-in-Life monetary security and compare it to fuckin' Wall Street, which is basically a high-stakes game where someone can lose it all in one tragic moment? And where sharks swim everywhere?

Really? Is this Georgie's "plan?"

It sounds like horseshit to me. Tweak Social Security, don't abandon it.

This isn't rocket science.

- At least the Democrats stirred up enough nerve to boo at this point in the speech, however faintly. That never happens at these ass-kissing extraveganzas. It's nice to see the Dems show the slightest hint of a spine. It wasn't much, but it was something.

- Georgie discussed "initiatives" dealing with young city men, and how they must be steered to stay out of gangs and taught to respect women.

Is it just me, or is this a thinly veiled jab at blacks and hispanics?

By "initiatives," I think Georgie meant "OK, I'll mention those damn minorities in my speech." Naturally, as he said this, the cameras scanned the room for token shots of black politicians, who have probably kissed enough white ass to get where they're at that they don't have the foggiest idea where they came from anymore. Those guys are more white than me and I'm a pasty mofo. These television broadcasts are more predictable than the Patriots making the Super Bowl.

"...and pan to the clapping black guy riiiiiiiiiight...NOW!"

- The only touching moment came when the parents of fallen Marine Sergeant Byron Norwood hugged the Iraqi chick who recently voted and whose name I'm not even going to attempt to spell.

Though more scripted than the come-ons of a stripper, it was a sad and powerful moment, although that Iraqi woman looked more like she has been living in Philadelphia or Denver or somewhere since 1998 and less like a REAL Iraqi woman actually, you know, living in Iraq and avoiding car bombs andshit.

(No, I don't know where the Iraqi woman lives, so if anyone knows please feel free to tell me and I'll admit my error.)

And, of course, there were no signs of parents of fallen soldiers who feel that their sons and daughters died in a pointless war for all the wrong reasons. There are plenty of these parents out there. But who wants to hear from them? That would be no fun, right?

- Did you see those purple-painted thumbs? You know, those thumbs painted by Republicans to represent the voting Iraqis whose votes will be disregarded while a pro-American puppet government is put in place?

Well, that was completely fuckin' tacky and classless. (Insert thumb-up-ass joke here.)

- Nope, Georgie never mentioned the Super Bowl.

Clearly, he is unfit to be president.


Blogger Hoodrow said...

You know the Unknown Column is reeeallllyyyy down on somebody when he's sorta singin' Sammy Sosa's praises to run that someone down.

Great pic by the way.

5:48 PM  
Blogger WarriorFive said...

Yeah, I was mobile at the time of the address, but I heard the radio jockey speaking of the 'Solidarity' with the Purple fingers. I said "These jag off's can go stick their purple finger right up there GOP leaders ass". I've always heard of being caught 'red handed', but in America if you have a purple finger.......You're a Crack Pot Christan, lying asshole, and arrogant bastard! About the Prez and the Super Bowl. I'm sure his ass kissing advisors reminded him that it was on "Holy" day and his base would be better of hearing refernces to God and Will and Right than about Football. Believe me, Had the Cowboys been in the game, he might had snuck a witty comment in their somehow. I mean 'witty' in the sense that his writers and advisors thought it would be witty with the way the Moron would deliver it. My pick on the Bowl? Truthfully, don't care. Patriots and Brady have had their fun, I'd like to see McNabb with the Ultimate smile, but I'm dreadying seeing T.O's pearly whites.....

10:44 AM  
Blogger UnknownColumn said...

Sosa? I don't hate the guy necessarily. I just think he is a tool. I also find it finny that Sosa had exactly one home run in his career when Bush traded him. That's funny.

Yeah, that purple thumb stuff was a jok. Those Republican screw-ups are almost beyond comment at this point. No class. No clue. Stupid, white, rich men with no idea what's really going on.

5:49 AM  

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