Thursday, May 19, 2005

If My Head Wasn't Attached To My Body...

This is crazy. I must know how she did it.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

What's The Problem?

Everywhere they go, man, everywhere they go...

Muslims, that is. I guess they're busy being assholes in Sweden, too.

I don't mean to dive into insensitive stereotypes, but what's wrong with Muslims? I've been to Sweden and can clearly remember thinking it would be a great place to move someday. It's peaceful and relatively slow. (Plus, the women are phenomenal.) Yet Muslims can't move there without turning it into a violent hell hole?

They can't move anywhere, it seems, without bringing along the violence that has marked the Middle East since the beginning of time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's not cool to judge an entire people by the actions of some. Blah. blah, blah. But this shit is old. It got old centuries ago. Fuckin' immature, sexually repressed, desperately-in-need-of-several-stiff-drinks, hotheaded troublemakers, if you ask me. Bar them from every country in the world. Keep their shit where it came from. See how they like that.

Yep, Exactly (Part II)

Thank you, George Galloway. Nothing sounds as sweet as the truth and here's a big serving of it right here:.

"Senator, I am not now, nor have I ever been, an oil trader. and neither has anyone on my behalf. I have never seen a barrel of oil, owned one, bought one, sold one - and neither has anyone on my behalf.

"Now I know that standards have slipped in the last few years in Washington, but for a lawyer you are remarkably cavalier with any idea of justice. I am here today but last week you already found me guilty. You traduced my name around the world without ever having asked me a single question, without ever having contacted me, without ever written to me or telephoned me, without any attempt to contact me whatsoever. And you call that justice.

"Now I want to deal with the pages that relate to me in this dossier and I want to point out areas where there are - let's be charitable and say errors. Then I want to put this in the context where I believe it ought to be. On the very first page of your document about me you assert that I have had 'many meetings' with Saddam Hussein. This is false.

"I have had two meetings with Saddam Hussein, once in 1994 and once in August of 2002. By no stretch of the English language can that be described as "many meetings" with Saddam Hussein.

"As a matter of fact, I have met Saddam Hussein exactly the same number of times as Donald Rumsfeld met him. The difference is Donald Rumsfeld met him to sell him guns and to give him maps the better to target those guns. I met him to try and bring about an end to sanctions, suffering and war, and on the second of the two occasions, I met him to try and persuade him to let Dr Hans Blix and the United Nations weapons inspectors back into the country - a rather better use of two meetings with Saddam Hussein than your own Secretary of State for Defence made of his.

"I was an opponent of Saddam Hussein when British and Americans governments and businessmen were selling him guns and gas. I used to demonstrate outside the Iraqi embassy when British and American officials were going in and doing commerce.

"You will see from the official parliamentary record, Hansard, from the 15th March 1990 onwards, voluminous evidence that I have a rather better record of opposition to Saddam Hussein than you do and than any other member of the British or American governments do.

"Now you say in this document, you quote a source, you have the gall to quote a source, without ever having asked me whether the allegation from the source is true, that I am 'the owner of a company which has made substantial profits from trading in Iraqi oil'.

"Senator, I do not own any companies, beyond a small company whose entire purpose, whose sole purpose, is to receive the income from my journalistic earnings from my employer, Associated Newspapers, in London. I do not own a company that's been trading in Iraqi oil. And you have no business to carry a quotation, utterly unsubstantiated and false, implying otherwise.

"Now you have nothing on me, Senator, except my name on lists of names from Iraq, many of which have been drawn up after the installation of your puppet government in Baghdad. If you had any of the letters against me that you had against Zhirinovsky, and even Pasqua, they would have been up there in your slideshow for the members of your committee today.

"You have my name on lists provided to you by the Duelfer inquiry, provided to him by the convicted bank robber, and fraudster and conman Ahmed Chalabi who many people to their credit in your country now realise played a decisive role in leading your country into the disaster in Iraq.

"There were 270 names on that list originally. That's somehow been filleted down to the names you chose to deal with in this committee. Some of the names on that committee included the former secretary to his Holiness Pope John Paul II, the former head of the African National Congress Presidential office and many others who had one defining characteristic in common: they all stood against the policy of sanctions and war which you vociferously prosecuted and which has led us to this disaster.

"You quote Mr Dahar Yassein Ramadan. Well, you have something on me, I've never met Mr Dahar Yassein Ramadan. Your sub-committee apparently has. But I do know that he's your prisoner, I believe he's in Abu Ghraib prison. I believe he is facing war crimes charges, punishable by death. In these circumstances, knowing what the world knows about how you treat prisoners in Abu Ghraib prison, in Bagram Airbase, in Guantanamo Bay, including I may say, British citizens being held in those places.

"I'm not sure how much credibility anyone would put on anything you manage to get from a prisoner in those circumstances. But you quote 13 words from Dahar Yassein Ramadan whom I have never met. If he said what he said, then he is wrong.

"And if you had any evidence that I had ever engaged in any actual oil transaction, if you had any evidence that anybody ever gave me any money, it would be before the public and before this committee today because I agreed with your Mr Greenblatt [Mark Greenblatt, legal counsel on the committee].

"Your Mr Greenblatt was absolutely correct. What counts is not the names on the paper, what counts is where's the money. Senator? Who paid me hundreds of thousands of dollars of money? The answer to that is nobody. And if you had anybody who ever paid me a penny, you would have produced them today.

"Now you refer at length to a company names in these documents as Aredio Petroleum. I say to you under oath here today: I have never heard of this company, I have never met anyone from this company. This company has never paid a penny to me and I'll tell you something else: I can assure you that Aredio Petroleum has never paid a single penny to the Mariam Appeal Campaign. Not a thin dime. I don't know who Aredio Petroleum are, but I daresay if you were to ask them they would confirm that they have never met me or ever paid me a penny.

"Whilst I'm on that subject, who is this senior former regime official that you spoke to yesterday? Don't you think I have a right to know? Don't you think the Committee and the public have a right to know who this senior former regime official you were quoting against me interviewed yesterday actually is?

"Now, one of the most serious of the mistakes you have made in this set of documents is, to be frank, such a schoolboy howler as to make a fool of the efforts that you have made. You assert on page 19, not once but twice, that the documents that you are referring to cover a different period in time from the documents covered by The Daily Telegraph which were a subject of a libel action won by me in the High Court in England late last year.

"You state that The Daily Telegraph article cited documents from 1992 and 1993 whilst you are dealing with documents dating from 2001. Senator, The Daily Telegraph's documents date identically to the documents that you were dealing with in your report here. None of The Daily Telegraph's documents dealt with a period of 1992, 1993. I had never set foot in Iraq until late in 1993 - never in my life. There could possibly be no documents relating to Oil-for-Food matters in 1992, 1993, for the Oil-for-Food scheme did not exist at that time.

"And yet you've allocated a full section of this document to claiming that your documents are from a different era to the Daily Telegraph documents when the opposite is true. Your documents and the Daily Telegraph documents deal with exactly the same period.

"But perhaps you were confusing the Daily Telegraph action with the Christian Science Monitor. The Christian Science Monitor did indeed publish on its front pages a set of allegations against me very similar to the ones that your committee have made. They did indeed rely on documents which started in 1992, 1993. These documents were unmasked by the Christian Science Monitor themselves as forgeries.

"Now, the neo-con websites and newspapers in which you're such a hero, senator, were all absolutely cock-a-hoop at the publication of the Christian Science Monitor documents, they were all absolutely convinced of their authenticity. They were all absolutely convinced that these documents showed me receiving $10 million from the Saddam regime. And they were all lies.

"In the same week as the Daily Telegraph published their documents against me, the Christian Science Monitor published theirs which turned out to be forgeries and the British newspaper, Mail on Sunday, purchased a third set of documents which also upon forensic examination turned out to be forgeries. So there's nothing fanciful about this. Nothing at all fanciful about it.

"The existence of forged documents implicating me in commercial activities with the Iraqi regime is a proven fact. It's a proven fact that these forged documents existed and were being circulated amongst right-wing newspapers in Baghdad and around the world in the immediate aftermath of the fall of the Iraqi regime.

"Now, Senator, I gave my heart and soul to oppose the policy that you promoted. I gave my political life's blood to try to stop the mass killing of Iraqis by the sanctions on Iraq which killed one million Iraqis, most of them children, most of them died before they even knew that they were Iraqis, but they died for no other reason other than that they were Iraqis with the misfortune to born at that time. I gave my heart and soul to stop you committing the disaster that you did commit in invading Iraq. And I told the world that your case for the war was a pack of lies.

“I told the world that Iraq, contrary to your claims did not have weapons of mass destruction. I told the world, contrary to your claims, that Iraq had no connection to al-Qaeda. I told the world, contrary to your claims, that Iraq had no connection to the atrocity on 9/11 2001. I told the world, contrary to your claims, that the Iraqi people would resist a British and American invasion of their country and that the fall of Baghdad would not be the beginning of the end, but merely the end of the beginning.

"Senator, in everything I said about Iraq, I turned out to be right and you turned out to be wrong and 100,000 people paid with their lives; 1600 of them American soldiers sent to their deaths on a pack of lies; 15,000 of them wounded, many of them disabled forever on a pack of lies.

If the world had listened to Kofi Annan, whose dismissal you demanded, if the world had listened to President Chirac who you want to paint as some kind of corrupt traitor, if the world had listened to me and the anti-war movement in Britain, we would not be in the disaster that we are in today. Senator, this is the mother of all smokescreens. You are trying to divert attention from the crimes that you supported, from the theft of billions of dollars of Iraq's wealth.

"Have a look at the real Oil-for-Food scandal. Have a look at the 14 months you were in charge of Baghdad, the first 14 months when $8.8 billion of Iraq's wealth went missing on your watch. Have a look at Haliburton and other American corporations that stole not only Iraq's money, but the money of the American taxpayer.

"Have a look at the oil that you didn't even meter, that you were shipping out of the country and selling, the proceeds of which went who knows where? Have a look at the $800 million you gave to American military commanders to hand out around the country without even counting it or weighing it.

"Have a look at the real scandal breaking in the newspapers today, revealed in the earlier testimony in this committee. That the biggest sanctions busters were not me or Russian politicians or French politicians. The real sanctions busters were your own companies with the connivance of your own Government."

Yep, Exactly (Part I)

And The Award For Most Disappointing End To An Article Goes To...

So I'm reading this article about a class being taught at the University of Iowa on pornography in modern culture. Just as I'm sharpening my pencils and getting ready to enroll I read this:

Clarkson said pornographic films and other explicit materials won't be viewed in class.

What? Well, then what's the point? Might as well be math.

You've Got To Be Kidding Me


That's how Condoleezza Rice described the recent fiasco surrounding a supposedly inflammatory article in Newsweek magazine and the resulting riots in Afghanistan.

Shut up, Condi. Go see if Georgie wants more coffee. And spray your hair. I see a soft spot.

Donald Rumsfeld described the loss of life as "unfortunate."

Shut up, Rummie. The only "unfortunate" thing is your planning of this entire Middle East debacle. Stop with your fake condolences, murderer.

Scott McClellan had this to say:

''The report had real consequences. People have lost their lives. Our image abroad has been damaged. There are some who are opposed to the United States and what we stand for who have sought to exploit this allegation.''

Yeah, Scott, and maybe if that doesn't work they could "exploit" all the bombed-out Iraqi cities or the streets filled with bodies.

Wow. Simply, wow. BushCo. trounces into the Middle East with big guns, little brains, and no plan, killing thousands of innocent people, and leaving Iraq in a continually worsening state of chaos, and now these clowns have the audacity to criticize a magazine? Really? Well, isn't that fresh.

Everyday the news from Iraq gets worse. How many officials of the so-called "new" Iraqi government have already been killed or attacked? How many bodies are found on a daily basis as Iraq implodes? How much progress, if any, has been made?

Iraq is one big fuck-up. Period. And BushCo. made it.

Yet now BushCo. unashamedly points its blood-stained fingers at Newsweek with the eagerness of young children chasing an ice cream truck: "Look what Newsweek did! Look what Newsweek did! Wah! Wah! Wah!"

Give me a break. Sit down. Shut the fuck up.

Newsweek didn't do anything other than its job. It had a source it described as "reliable" and went with it. The only reason the source may have since backpedaled, and the only reason Newsweek has since offered an apology, is pressure from the White House. Everyone is embarrassed. Everyone feels a need to appear shameful. Fakes!

If Newsweek is at fault for anything it's a lack of spine. The magazine, specifically editor Mark Whitaker, should have had the guts to come out and say, "We had a reliable source, we went with it, and why shouldn't anyone believe that the accusations are true? Just look at recent history."

The source Newsweek quoted was telling the truth about the Quran being flushed down the toilet at Guantanamo Bay and you better believe it. If you don't believe that the Quran was being treated like toilet paper then you have more faith in mankind (i.e., a U.S. Army with plenty of Lynndie Englands running loose) than I do.

But who cares what Newsweek may or may not have said? The real story here is the comical fashion in which BushCo. actually believes that there is blame to be passed around.


There is no blame to be passed around here. The only blame here lies squarely on BushCo. and its ill-conceived war with no end in sight that magazines like Newsweek are forced to report on because – get this – it’s their job. For BushCo. to suddenly issue pompous sound bites blaming Newsweek is the ultimate act of pissing into the wind. It's the equivalent of a drunk driver veering all over the road, crashing into the back of another car, and then blaming the other driver for stopping too fast.

Few things amaze me like BushCo.'s utter lack of shame.

On the other hand, I would be remiss to not give a big "Fuck You!" to the animals running around in Afghanistan shooting guns in the air and shouting, "Death to America!"

Yeah, I called them animals. What of it?

These angry, immature malcontents just look for reasons to riot and kill people. So the Quaran was flushed? So what? Pssst....come close...I have a secret for you, Ahmed ...IT'S A FUCKIN' BOOK! GET OVER IT!

And I don't want to hear, "Oh, but you don't understand Islam if you don't understand how much this would offend them."

I understand alright. The whole world understands. The whole world has been violently told how seriously they take their religion over and over again.

And we're all sick of it.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Nuttin' But Stringz

These guys are badass. It's nice to see a hip hop beat mixed know...THE ACTUAL PLAYING OF INSTRUMENTS! What a novel approach.

So When Do They...

...throw off the robes and start a sexy striptease? The do a sexy striptease, don't they?

Iranian police women. And, no, it's not a spoof, though the scene where they're hanging out of a moving police car with guns is about as unintentionally funny as it gets.

Nobody Listens To The Wise People

The curse of mankind.

Peep this quote...

"Should any political party attempt to abolish social security, unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history. There is a tiny splinter group, of course, that believes you can do these things. Among them are...Texas oil millionaires and an occasional politician or business man from other areas. Their number is negligible and they are stupid."

-- President Dwight D. Eisenhower, November 8, 1954

Yet here we sit...

(I love the above picture.)

And With The First Pick In The 2005 Draft, The Atlanta Hawks Select...

LSU's Curtis Heroman - is that last name for real? - has entered the NBA draft despite playing only intramural basketball. Rumor has it that the Atlanta Hawks GM Billy Knight, who own the NBA's first pick, will fly him in for a private workout immediately.

In case you're interested, the Unknown Column has also applied for the NBA draft...but I haven't signed with an agent. I like to keep my options open.

Please Give Nate Newton His Own Reality Show

Nate Newton, quite possibly the world's funniest athlete, intentionally or not, recently spoke about his infamous marijauna busts and his time in prison, from which he was released in November.

Newton also gave the interviewer a tour of his home...

And, For A Fleeting Moment, I Glimpsed Hell

Dick Cheney for president in 2008? Uh, maybe.

I had considered the possibility, but since I had never heard it actually mentioned, I was doing my best to ignore it, sort of like when your car starts making a noise you don't want to deal with.

Goddamn! Cheney? Frist? Schwarzenneger? Jeb Bush? The names being mentioned as possible Republican candidates are a who's who of assholes and idiots.

Fuck Republicans - at least any who would support the aforementioned clowns.