Thursday, June 30, 2005

Hey Saddam, Nice Try...

...now fuck off.

Dig It



Just because. Take a listen.

This too. Hilarity.

He's Back



Kerry Wood returned yesterday. For how long? Who knows.

But he pitched well. And the Cubs won their fourth straight.

I can almost hear Cubs fans wetting themselves with excitement.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Weird White Sox Win



What a bizarre White Sox game last night in Detroit, a 4-3 win in 13 innings.

For much of the tense 11th and 12th innings a massive fireworks show was going on seemingly just outside the stadium. Comerica Park is apparently in downton Detroit as there are several buildings that serve as the backdrop just over the outfield seats. It's a nice view. Last night there was some sort of festival taking place and when the fireworks started, the downtown Detroit sky looked like Baghdad. But with more explosions.

I'm not exaggerating when I say that this was the longest fireworks show I've ever seen. It kept going and going and going. It was ridiculous.

The funny part was that everyone - players, managers, and even the TV announcers - did their best to act like nothing unusual was happening. Huge moments were ocurring with runners on base in an extra-inning game, and every batter was forced to stand at the plate and stare directly into a sky of plentiful explosions. It was the ultimate elephant in the room.

The funniest part was when the fireworks at long last stopped, Hawk finally spoke on the subject and summed it all up with typical Hawk understatement: "Well, I'll tell you what. That was a major league fireworks show right there."

And the game went on.

Frank Thomas' solo home run in the 13th ultimately won it. It also marked Thomas 1,320th run scored, which broke Luke Appling's club record. How cool is that? Thomas broke the record with an extra-inning winner. Well, it could have happened at the Cell, but I won't complain.

Shingo Takatsu pitched out of a bases loaded mess in the bottom of the 13th. Earlier he had bailed out Luis Vizcaino in the 11th and pitched a perfect 12th. He was a bit shaky, but he got the job done, much like the Shingo of 2004. Man, it was nice to see his huge smile when it was over. Few pitchers have a smile as large as Shingo's upon completing a win.

Vizcaino was shaky, but at least he wasn't rocked, which I suppose is progress for him. I like when Vizcaino doesn't get rocked. It does wonders for my well-being.

Hopefully, this game will do wonders for the wounded psyches of Shingo and Vizcaino.

Juan Uribe had a nice night as well, most importantly in the bottom of the ninth when he went to the outfield grass to amazingly scoop a grounder and somehow barely throw out the runner at first base with two outs and two runners on. Game saved. Let's play extra innings.

Uribe, who has had some back problems lately and has surely heard the recent whispers of him possibly being replaced by Pablo Ozuna, also had two extra-inning hits after starting 0-for-3.

Almost lost in the lengthy win was the performance of the kid, Brandon McCarthy, who pitched a solid 6 1/3 innings, allowing three earned runs on six hits. Most importantly, he walked none. I love that.

For one night at least, the kid was alright.

What Does This Say?



Make something up if you feel like it.

So There's A White Guy...

...and a black guy and a Mexican guy and they walk into a bar and...

Sorry, no joke here. But this shit is funny. Well, it's not funny. It's actually repugnant and offensive.



But there's something humorous about Mexicans and blacks now fighting about racial innuendo, especially when it's over a comic book character from the 1940s. You can't make this stuff up. The world has gone mad. Have they all forgotten that it's the white man dragging them down?

Is this progress? Or is it a step backward?

Is it OK to laugh? Or would that be offensive, too?

Either way, I guess the heat is temporaily off us white guys.

Here are some jokes in lieu of the one I teased you with before...for the ladies, of course.

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butts and they vapor lock)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

That's What I'm Talking About



Tony Pierce is bringing the heat. Check out the bit that starts out about Michael Moore and winds into WMDs, legalized weed, and, most importantly, the designated hitter.

No Bulls Picks, But I'll Pretend To Care



With the Bulls having no picks in last night's NBA draft, I wasn't particularly interested. That, however, does not prevent me from offering my ill-informed opinions on the first round. I'd comment on the second round as well, but what's the point?

1. BUCKS, Andrew Bogut - First, I don't have much confidence in a guy who apparently cannot wash his hair. Is this an Australian thing? That said, I don't envision Bogut being a complete bust, though I don't see him being a superstar either. His passing game, solid for a big man but no Arvydas Sabonis, will find him his niche, but the stud centers of the NBA need not worry. I just don't see the kid matching up that well with the Shaqs and Wallaces and Yaos of the world. Well, maybe the Yaos.

2. HAWKS, Marvin Williams - Question: Does the fact that the Hawks drafted him automatically assure that Williams will be a bust? Isn't there some sort of law of the universe that dictates this? Quick: name three players on the Hawks.

3. JAZZ, Deron Williams - Maybe I'm biased as an Illini fan, but Williams may be the best player to emerge from this draft. He can run an offense, play defense, and he's a winner. And his quiet, humble demeanor will play well in Salt Lake City, not to mention with the old-school Jerry Sloan. With a healthy Kirilenko, the Jazz should return to their spot among the most consistent franchises in the NBA.

4. HORNETS, Chris Paul - I'm not a fan of this testicle-punching cheap shot artist. He reminds me of the spoiled kid who is friendly until things don't go his way, at which point he gets nasty and ugly and starts yapping about his dad will be pissed. Yup, seeing Paul wearing the yellow, pink, and teal of the laughable Hornets will be fun. (Yeah, I'm a petty bastard.) I'm picturing Stephon Marbury, but with less talent.

5. BOBCATS, Raymond Felton - I like this selection. Felton may not be a stud, and he certainly is a stretch as a top five pick, but I like the idea of grabbing the local guy coming off a national championship. He's not a bad player, either. Not great, but not bad. He should be a servicable backup.

6. TRAIL BLAZERS, Martell Webster - Ugh. Double Ugh. The criminally inclined Blazers should stay away from the high schoolers. At least for awhile. A Sean May or Joey Graham, seasoned college players who have proven themselves both on and off the court, would have been better choices. A poor kid like Webster is stepping right into a troublesome situation. Not good for him. Not good for the Blazers.

7. RAPTORS, Charlie Villanueva - Horrible pick. The eyebrow-less one will wash out of the NBA in no time. Trust me. Kid is soft, nor does he have much talent for that matter. The Raptors are a clueless organization.

8. KNICKS, Channing Frye - The general consensus is that Frye is soft, so I don't know if the glare of New York will be a good fit. However, I was impressed when I saw him play. Still, kid looks way too skinnny to be a solid NBA center. Of course, the fact that Isiah Thomas made the pick leads me to conclude that the Frye experiment will turn into a fiasco, as everything Isiah touches does.

9. WARRIORS, Ike Diogu - This is probably my favorite pick of the draft. I love the productive Diogu staying out West with a team that will surprise some people next year. Solid pick.

10. LAKERS, Andrew Bynum - A high schooler with a reported weight problem? Next.

11. MAGIC, Fran Vasquez - I look suspiciously at any basketball player with a Hispanic last name. Call it the curse of Felipe Lopez.

12. CLIPPERS, Yaroslav Korolev - He's Lithuanian and I like that. But that's about all I know.

13. BOBCATS, Sean May - Like Felton, I can appreciate the local connection. But May's ability to shove around his chubby body the way he did in college won't translate to the NBA. (And Illinois was jobbed in the NCAA title game by the refs, who let May bully his way inside with his fat ass all night. Yeah, that's right. I said "fat ass." I'm still pissed.)

14. TWOLVES, Rashad McCants - I wouldn't want this guy, nor his piss-poor attitude, on my team. Ever. Enough said.

15. NETS, Antoine Wright - Do the Nets really need another swingman-type with Richard Jefferson and Vince Carter already on the roster? Oh, well, it's the Nets. No sleep till Brooklyn.

16. RAPTORS, Joey Graham - If he doesn't attack coach Sam Mitchell in the locker room at halftime, consider it a good pick.

17. PACERS, Danny Granger - Steal of the draft. This kid may haunt some folks for sleeping on him. Of course, this could cause Ron Artest to hit unprescedented levels of craziness if his minutes are challenged.

18. CELTICS, Gerald Green - Another high schooler, so who knows. But I like the athletic look Boston is working on. The Celtics would be wise to dump Paul Pierce and his unmotivated ass sooner than later. Him and Antoine Walker are garbage.

19. GRIZZLIES, Hakim Warrick - I always loved this kid in college. I thought he should have went higher. Dude was a winner with the 'Cuse. I like the pick for the Grizz. Warrick will be solid. He also has one of the cooler names ever. It just rolls off the tongue.

20. NUGGETS, Julius Hodge - I'm not a fan, but he did get NC State to the Sweet Sixteen. That counts for something.

21. KNICKS, Nate Robinson - How can you not root for this little guy, who has twice the heart of Stephon Marbury? Isiah may have actually done something right. It would be a first. New Yorkers will love Robinson. I can already imagine posters of the pint-sized Robinson sailing across the New York skyline.

22. TRAIL BLAZERS, Jarrett Jack - At 21, Jack gives the Blazers an actual adult. And he has no criminal past. He'll have to get to work on this.

23. KINGS, Francisco Garcia - Garcia always seemed soft at Louisville, a guy who could get red hot but, more often than not, disappear in the clutch. So he should fit right in with the Kings.

24. ROCKETS, Luther Head - This is my boy! Go Luther! Way to work your way into the first round! (How's that for some in-depth analysis?)

25 - SONICS, Johan Petro - Who? A Frenchman? What? His name is Johan? Johan??? You can't play in the NBA with a name like Johan. Come on now.

26. PISTONS, Jason Maxiell - Somehow the University of Cincinnati and the city of Detroit seem like two peas in a pod. An ugly, drunken, bruising pod. This pick works for me. Besides, Maxiell is a tough kid who will fit into a learning position nicely behind he Wallaces.

27. Nuggets, Linas Kleiza - Who knows? But again, it's hard to go wrong with the crazy Lithuanians.

28. SPURS, Ian Mahinmi - The Spurs have themselves another Frenchman to join Tony Parker in not showering for days. Hey, Eva Longoria seems to like it.

29. HEAT, Wayne Simien - He'll be in Europe in three years.

30. PISTONS, David Lee - Just when I was about to compliment Isiah on the Nate Robinson pick, he goes and drafts a guy will do nothing - nothing! - in the NBA. Isiah is so damn consistent.

The second round: Coming to a Euroleague arena near you!

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

If Lightning Struck Once, That Would Be Enough



There are plenty of people around the world who like to blame the United States for, well, pretty much everything. But this takes the cake. Zimbabwe is accusing the US and UK of manipulating climate changes for political gain.

Yeah, that's right. We're controlling the weather now and casusing droughts to starve Africans.

Come on now. Don't these people know we don't give a shit about Africans. Jeez.

Of course, maybe Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe might want to settle this little mess before accusing other countries of holding off on those always effective rain dances. It's beginning to look a just a little too much like another Rwanda or Sudan, and a little like the latest in a long line of violence from Mugabe.

Hey, if the US can control the weather, I have a suggestion for the destination of a lightning bolt.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Does Bashing Isiah Thomas Get Old?

Not yet.

Several years of his smug ass smirking while playing dirty basketball against the Bulls leaves some long-lasting scars.



Check out Isiah's blog. Hilarious.

The funny part is that it's so true.

He's currently luring a deal for Quentin Richardson. Why? Aren't Jamal Crawford, Allan Houston, and Penny Hardaway virtually the same player (and none of them anything special)? Didn't he see Q disappear during the playoffs? Does he have a crush on Brandy? What is it? What is possibly going through his head? I'm imagining one of those Simpsons moments when the inside of Homer's brain is shown and it's powered by hamsters running in circles.

If I knew how to photoshop, I'd find a photo of Isiah and paste a big fat "Doh!" above his head in a cartoon bubble. Or maybe it could be "Did I do that?"

(Thanks, Greenblood)

Vlad Just Another Joker Mad With Power



As much as I bash the complete joke that is this Bush administration, I begin to feel a little dirty at times. I don't want to hate America. Or maybe it's just the filthy, fighting Republicans getting to me with all of their cheap and easy labelling of liberals and the Left and just about anyone who disagrees with their misguided agendas as traitors and disloyal subjects to the dirty king.

Either way, maybe it's time I get to doing the American thing and bash the leaders of other countries, especially former communist countries. Old tricks. Yes, the Reds. They've always been easy to pick on.

Vladimir Putin, GFY.

It seems Vlad wanst a third term, and may just get it. Now, in the same style of the brain-washing, steel-fisted leaders of yesteryear, men who thought communism was a good idea, men who perfected propaganda, men who taught Putin his brash determination, the news is naturally being presented as a great and innocent idea:

Under the amendment, popularly elected leaders in the executive branch of power -- the president and mayors -- could run for a third term if early elections were held before their second term expired and a court found the early election invalid and ordered a new vote.

Huh? It all sounds like a neat little scheme to get more time for Putin in office. Fuck that. No man is bigger than any democracy, nor any other form of government for that matter. If America, as Bush will tell you with a straight face, really wants to spread and preserve democracy, then it should do it all it can politically to prevent this - if it can do anything at all.

It should do this on principle.

Of course, our leaders only fight for the priciples of democracy when there is blood and destrction to make them feel like they've accomplished something.

And if their is oil, then so much better.

We shall see where the "principles" of democracy are truly fought for. I'm not saying we should even be meddling necessarily. However, if BushCo. can explain the destruction of one country on a fight for democracy, then it should maintain the fight on all levels, even if it means meddling and, after all, it would be a much less bloody form of meddling. Otherwise, BushCo. is nothing but a collection of hypocrites.

Right?

Then again, our credibility is pretty much shot at this point in time anyway. I guess that's about the worst thing you can say about a president. When much of the rest of the world thinks you're a dick, you're probably a dick. America is run by dicks.

Putin isn't much better. No wonder Georgie boy says the two are such famous friends. How aften do you meet someone else who also thinks that power is to be obtained by all means, and maintained by all means? Both think they are bigger than the countries and people they represent and probably snicker amongst themselves when the cameras are not there to capture their amused arrogance.

In Line For The Bathroom



This is a hilarious antecdote from Mariners reliever Matt Thornton, who was forced to use a public bathroom at Petco Park. I love the converstation he had with some random dude.

Squared Up



Three games apiece.

That's what it came down to now that the annual Windy City series is complete. After all the bravado from both sides of town, it's all even. And though the season isn't quite technically halfway over just yet, this is a good time for both the White Sox and Cubs to take stock and look ahead.

If you're a White Sox fan, there is no reason to panic after being shut out by Mark Prior and his remarkably healed elbow. There is no shame in being befuddled by Prior, whether he's pitching on three days rest or a month. When he's healthy and he's on, Prior is as good a pitcher as baseball has to offer, possibly the best even.

Mark Buehrle's spot in the Sox rotation didn't come up in either Sox-Cubs series, meaning the Cubs slid through without facing the Sox ace.

John Garland was nearly as filthy as Prior on Sunday, allowing just one earned run in 8.1 innings. It looks like you can add "big game pitcher" to his ever-improving resume.



The AL Central lead over the Twins still stands at 9 1/2 games.

Does the Sox-Cubs mean alot? It sure does. However, yesterday's loss was only one game in June. That's the bottom line. This week the Sox head to Detroit and Oakland. The Tigers are quietly a .500 team, and you know an Alan Trammell team will be tough. Always. And Oakland is traditionally a dark hole of sorrows for the Sox.

In other words, it's time to soldier on.

Brandon McCarthy, the twig-like 21-year old, has a few starts ahead in place of the ailing El Duque, and the Sox need to see what he has to offer in the immediate. His potential is already well documented, but another starter aquired via trade is a distinct possibility if the kid isn't quite ready to deal. This must be sorted out.

Meanwhile, the Cubs have much to feel good about as they emerged from the series two games above .500, a mere 2 1/2 games out in the wild-card race, and with a healthy, and absolutely filthy, Prior. Kerry Wood is also expected to return soon, and barring an ingrown toe nail or a bad haircut, he presumably will be around for the stretch run. But you never know.

The heat Dusty Baker has taken in this town is ridiculous. All the guy has done is keep the Cubs in the playoff race - yet again - while trotting out guys like John Koronka to start games? Who the $%#@ is John Koronka?

Baker has yet again proven to be one of the game's best managers, regardless of how many times the Cubs have been given up for dead.

With Derrek Lee having a season for the ages, Jeromy Burnitz quietly doing his thing, and Aramis Ramirez doing what was expected when he signed his new contract, the Cubs suddenly look very formidable in the National League. The Cardinals may be out of reach in the Central, but the wild-card spot is very attainable. If the Cubs grab it, well, anything is possible in a playoff series with a healthy Prior, Wood, Greg Maddux, Carlos Zambrano, and even the highly underrated Glendon Rusch heading out to the mound in a five- or seven-game series.

Yet assholes like Jay Mariotti will rip Baker. Fuckin' sad.

The bottom line is that baseball in Chicago is looking pretty damn good for the second half of the season. A White Sox-Cubs World Series may be as likely as interplanetary war, but should both teams make it to the playoffs...

Hey, why not?

Sunday, June 26, 2005

New Respect For Mary-Kate



It seems Mary-Kate Olsen was spotted exiting Oasis' dressing room in "rough shape." In other words, she was spotted fucked up. Nothing wrong with that. And considering the Gallagher brothers are infamous for their cocaine-snorting, whiskey-drinking, dressing room-destroying ways - infamous even by rock'n'roll standards - my hat is tipped to the pint-sized one. She also displays excellent taste in music, and has yet to record any, which is even better as the likes of Hillary Duff and Lindsey Lohan produce garbage to sell to the masses.

Hats off as well to the Gallagher boys, who are still partying with 18-year old twins. Rock on.

Familiar Foes



Brazil and Argentina will meet in the final of the Confederations Cup on Wednesday. Score a victory for South America, which doesn't often fare well on European soil. Of course, the fact that Greece was representing Europe after its amazingly unlikely EURO title last summer didn't help. The Greeks looked like the Greeks of old, meaning they sucked.

Brazil ousted Germany 3-2 the first semifinal, a game featuring the opposing midfield generals Ronaldinho and Michael Ballack, arguably the top two players in the world. While Ronaldinho scored for Brazil, it was Adriano who came though twice, including scoring the winner. Ballack and Germany now have a year to prepare for hosting next summer's World Cup.

Meanwhile, Argentina needed penalty kicks to beat Mexico after the two teams battled to a boring 1-1 stalemate full of ugliness and defense. Not pretty. At least the Mexicans represented CONCACAF well, making the US's run at Mexico as kings of the region look that much more impressive.

What Was Jim Rome Thinking?



I stumbled upon a video clip of Jim Everett going balistic on Jim Rome after Rome insisted on calling him Chris. Funny stuff.

On top of being a colossal prick during the interview, Rome had seemingly forgotten that Everett wasn't a bad quarterback. He had a few phenomenal years with the Rams before the entire organization went down the toilet in the '90s. One year he beat both the Giants and Eagles on the road in the playoffs. Not too shabby.

The Bears will probably be evaluating Everett to coax him out of retirement by Week Six this fall.

Speaking of the Bears, I caught a news clip of the rookies doing some sort of charity work with kids. Cedric Benson, Mark Bradley, and Kyle Orton were there. Maybe others. Benson looked good. Despite my dismay that the Bears didn't draft Mike Williams, Benson will be easy to root for. He may also prove to be pretty damn good.

Run, Cedric, Run!

Thursday, June 23, 2005

While I've Been Gone

As you can see, I've been busy.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Just checking in...

...and loving this picture...