Thursday, September 08, 2005

A Pig's Pigskin Picks



Week One

Oakland at New England
Hey, remember the other day when I mentioned I'm suddenly getting the all-NFL channel? Yeah? Well, they love to show recent Patriots playoff games. It seems to be the channel's meal ticket. Annoying? Highly. Last night they were showing the infamous Pats-Raiders playoff game in the snow from a few years ago. You know, the "tuck" game. And I gotta say, Brady fumbled that ball. Fum-ble. Period. This entire Patriots dynasty is an utter sham. It really is. What a farce. I mean, they can only win Super Bowls by a measely field goal. What is that? Patriots dynasty = overrated. They're good, but not that good.
Straight-up: Patriots
Against the spread: Raiders +7.5

Denver at Miami
The Broncos just signed David Terrell. HAHAHAHA!!! Worst...Bear...ever. The Unknown Column finds much amusement and satisfaction in Terrell's suddenly vagabond ways.
Straight-up: Broncos
Against the spread: Dolphins +5

Cincinnati at Cleveland
I bet fans in Cincy and Cleveland get all excited about this game and shit. Awww, isnt that cute? Oh, and Richie, in case you're reading, the Browns blow, the Indians aren't making the playoffs, and the Cavs' busy offseason is overrated. Have a nice day.
Straight-up: Bengals
Against the spread: Bengals -3.5

Houston at Buffalo
I'm not gay or anything - honest - but David Carr is a very pretty dude. And so is J.P. Losman. That is all. Wait, what am I babbling about?
Straight-up: Bills
Against the spread: Bills -5.5

Tennessee at Pittsburgh
Don't sleep on the Titans this year. A healthy, rejuvenated Steve McNair + the wizardry of new offensive coordinator Norm Chow + the steady, undeniable success of Jeff Fisher = better than expected. In the meantime, the Unknown Column needs big things from the Steelers Willie Parker for fantasy purposes, which leads him to one question: Who the #$%@ is Willie Parker?
Straight-up: Steelers
Against the spread: Titans +7

Chicago at Washington
"Bear Down, Chicago Bears! Make every play, clear the way to victory!" Come on, if you know the words, join me. "Bear Down, Chicago Bears! Put up a fight with a might so fearlessly..."
Straight-up: Bears
Against the spread: Bears +5.5

New Orleans at Carolina
The Unknown Column has nothing but superlatives to say about John Fox, and he's loving the Panthers this year. However, he has also made space for a soft spot in his cold, unforgiving, machine-like heart for the Saints this season. Especially after Paul Tagliabue fucked them over by adding a road game in New York and for even contemplating the Saints playing home games anywhere but in the general vicinity of Louisiana. For shame, Tags, for shame!
Straight-up: Panthers
Against the spread: Saints +7

Tampa Bay at Minnesota

This game leaves the Unknown Column with many questions: Will John Gruden, once the boy genius of NFL coaches, finally right the Bucs? Who will step up as Tampa's quarterback, if anyone? How friggin' funny were Onterrio Smith's escapades with the Whizzinator? Does Onterrio have any pot the Unknown Column can purchase? The Unknown Column knows that NFL players are getting the good stuff. Don't hold out on him now.

P.S. - Vikings TE Jermaine Wiggins will be a hugely underrated fantasy player this year. Culpepper will be looking for someone to throw to with Randy Moss no longer there to make his job easier.

P.S.S. - Mike Tice? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh man, that name always cracks me up. If you're unfamiliar with his perpetually confused mug, look it up in the dictionary next to "doofus".
Straight-up: Vikings
Against the spread: Bucs +6

Seattle at Jacksonville
The Seahawks are the very definition of mediocrity and until Mike Holmgen is fired, I refuse to take them seriously. Nothing against Holmgren per se, but he has, you know, a mustache. You know how it is.
Straight-up: Jags
Against the spread: Jags -3

N.Y. Jets at Kansas City
I love me some Herm Edwards. Nothing says excitement/funny soundbites/possible-fight-among-coaches-along-sideline like Edwards. Good stuff. Kansas City? Soft. In fact, the entire AFC West is more overrated than the Patriots dynasty.
Straight-up: Jets
Against the spread: Jets +3

Arizona at N.Y. Giants
The Cardinals have upgraded their uniforms and are moving into an unbelievable new stadium next year. (Is any team less deserving of a new stadium?) Clearly, the Cardinals mean business, and as the rest of the NFL knows, when the Cardinals mean business, look out. They might just go nearly .500 on your unsuspecting ass.
Straight-up: Giants
Against the spread: Giants -3

St. Louis at San Francisco
Hey, do you remember two years ago when the Bears opened the season in San Francisco and were pummelled, 49-7. So do I. Shoot me.
Straight-up: Rams
Against the spread: Rams -6

Green Bay at Detroit
Now, this game the Unknown Column likes. I mean, the opportunity to watch two crappy NFC North teams battle to see which is more inept and Brett Favre further fossilize and Joey Harringtom futher cement his legacy as a bust? Sign me up. (I would highly recommend, however, that anyone more sane than the Unknown Column avoid this ugly mess of a game.)
Straight-up: Packers
Against the spread: Packers +3

Dallas at San Diego
Shouldn't Bill Parcells and Marty Shottenheimer have met in a Super Bowl, like, a decade or two ago?
Straight-up: Cowboys
Against the spread: Cowboys +4.5

Indianapolis at Baltimore
Great offense vs. great defense. Interesting matchup. The great defense always wins in January when it matters most. In the middle of September? Eh, the offense has a chance. That said, if we get to see Peyton Manning face on the opening weekend, it should be a great NFL season indeed.
Straight-up: Ravens
Against the spread: Ravens +3

Philadelphia at Atlanta
Donovan McNabb vs. Michael Vick. Two black quarterbacks opening on Monday night? Progress! Rush Limbaugh has issues and needs his pills. I can only imagine what sort of celebration Terrell Owens has in store for a season opener in primetime on national television. Stay tuned. And for that matter, I can only imagine what hairsyle McNabb will go with. (Man, the Unknown Column sounds so gay today...not that there's anything wrong with that.)
Straight up: Eagles
Against the spread: Eagles -1

Season
Straight-up: 0-0
Against the spread: 0-0

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