Sunday, February 19, 2006

There, There, Lindsey...

...the Unknown Column is here for you.



By now I'm sure you've heard about Lindsey Jacobellis and her unfortunate spill/moment of hubris. Hell, this story has more legs than Dick Cheney shooting someone in the face. Jacobellis' most embarrassing moment continues to be dissected as if somewhere therein lies the answer to the Iran nucleur situation. People have accused Jacobellis of being dumb, unpatriotic, egotistical or simply a stoned snowboarder. It has become cause for national debate.

Get over it.

I mean, look at this face. Just look at it!



How can you be upset at a face like that? You cold-hearted bastards! It's like when your dog takes a dump on your carpet and just as you're about to put a boot up his ass, he looks at you with those big, beautiful eyes and you melt. How can you be mad after that?

Even though in the immediate aftermath of the now infamous race Jacobellis told a little white lie and said she grabbed the board to try and "stabilize" it - uh-huh, sure, riiiiiight - in subsequent interviews she came around and said, yeah, she got caught up in the moment. She was excited. She used the word "happy" on several occasions to describe her feelings as she saw the finish line and that gold medal and went just a little too far.

She wasn't being a spoiled American, though I'm sure her fateful move garnered chuckles all over the world. She wasn't showing up her competitors. She wasn't showboating.

She was having fun. I won't even get into the topic of snowboarding being the essense of a sport based on fun (pot?) as much as it is competition, but that's what Jacobellis was doing. Having fun. So big deal. Just think of what a great photo it would have made if she landed it and got the gold.

But she didn't. And she has to live with that. All by herself. Nobody else. So get off her back.

And this brings me to the bigger point I want to make: Bob Costas and Jimmy Roberts are imcomparable douchebags. Goodgawd, somebody send these guys off to pasture already.

On Friday night, after Jacobellis' fall, NBC's two pretty boy windbags spent the last half hour of its primetime coverage making her feel like a shit. Absolutely disgraceful.

First, Roberts joined Costas next to the fireplace, a scene which in and of itself should have prompted me to change channels faster than Bode Miller falling out of medal contention, but I didn't. Jacobelllis was coming on soon and her golden curls were calling me. So then Roberts had one of his lame "pieces" where he talks in slow, highly innunciated tones and does his best to sound poetic (he's not) and self-important (he is). The "piece" showed Jacobellis' crash about 776 times from several different angles as Roberts compared her to Jana Novotna, Greg Norman, and even Leon Lett, all the while being as overly-dramatic and over-the-top as possible. The whole ordeal was a car wreck, with Roberts being too damn pompous to even notice.

Honestly, I don't know how Roberts was able to look Jacobellis in the eye as she was surely in the same room waiting to be interviewed by Costas.

So then Jacobellis sat dwon with Costas and for roughly ten minutes he asked the same goddamn question about six times. I'm not kidding. The. Same. Question. The only difference was that after Jacobellis sadly answered each time, Costas would preface the next version of the question with, "Yes, but..." and then ask a slighly altered version of, "You fucked up as the entire world watched and laughed at you and this has to be the lowest point of your life, so how does it feel?"

Then Costas would ask it again.

And again.

Jacobellis bravely answered each time and looked as though she might cry by the end. The whole seen was disgraceful and maddening. Nothing quite like two tight-assed middle aged men on Viagra making a 20-year old chick feel like shit for 30 minutes straight. I nearly puked.

Fuck.

Them.

If it was me, I would have sat Jacobellis down on my lap in front of that fireplace and said, "There, there, honey. Forget all these angry little people. What's done is done. Now let's go back to the Olympic Village, find some fine Italian wine, and forget the world. D'accordo?"

P.S. - Snowboard cross is a cool sport. But I have one recommendation: Place more than four racers in each qualifying heat. The way it is set up, the top two in each heat advance to the next round. But what happens a lot is that two racers will collide and knock themselves out of the race and then the other two can coast to the bottom with no real worries or reason to win. Other than that, snowboard cross is very watchable. I'm still not sold on the halfpipe, though. We already have enough sports ruled by judges.

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home