Saturday, April 01, 2006

Ugly Dudes

"Chicks dig the glasses." "Yeah, and they love my mustache."

First of all, I have to give credit to an anonymous poster - hey, leave a name! - who left this link in the comments to the post below about Scarlett Johansson being named the world's sexiest woman by FHM: the 100 unsexiest men in the world.

If anything, such a list should give hope to dudes everywhere that being pretty isn't everything.

As long as you're rich and famous.

I agree with most of the list, with a few exceptions.

7. Mike Mills: You'd want to talk music with the bassist from REM. Sleep with? Not unless you're trying to get to Pete Buck.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. First, I realize REM has slipped in recent years as age and the departure of drummer Bill Berry have hurt, but let's not make fun of one of the all-time great bands. Come on now. Besides, with his bowl haircut and thick glasses, Mills is a straight-up nerd who gives hope to the rest of us that joining a rock band really is all you need to instantly become cool. Hey, this is the only reason I picked up a guitar in the first place.

25. Axl Rose: I mean . . . did you see the 2003 VMAs?

Axl is a weird case. I mean, not to sound gay or anything, but Axl had it going on back in the day: the flowing locks a supermodel would be jealous of, the sinewy rock star physique, the intstantly recognizable rock voice of the gods. Dude was rolling. He probably scored more tail than an NBA team. Then, sadly, weirdly, it's as if he chose to make himself as ugly as possible, both in a physical sense as well as in a "damn, he's gone all Howard Hughes on the world" sense. Now Axl is simply weird. Maybe not Michael Jackson weird, but he's in the same stratosphere. That said, early Guns'n'Roses is classic. Classic. And believe it ot not, I hear Chinese Democracy is finally close to being released and that it isn't all that bad. That's just what I heard. I'll give it a listen. Just a little patience.

26. Tim Burton: He's got the Robert Smith hair coupled with a mighty hunch. Yet he's dating Helena Bonham Carter.

Wait. Burton scored Helena Bonham Carter? Inexplicable. She's a special kind of beautiful. There is hope for us all.

30. Tony Kornheiser: Yes, calling sportswriters unattractive is like shooting fish in a barrel. But come on, he looks like your uncle.

Come on now. Kornheiser is, honestly, one of my favorite people out there at the moment. Cut the guy some slack.

33. Julian Tavarez

Yes, Tavarez is simply odd-looking, like he belongs in a dirty Central American prison. Or maybe running such a prison. And he's bat-shit crazy. Loco.

35. Willie McGee

Hahaha! OK, McGee's inclusion just makes me laugh.

"I might be ugly, but at least I never broke my leg getting run over by a tarp."

7. Scottie Pippen

Poor Scottie. All the dude did was win six NBA rings, and yet he's often bombarded with criticism for being overrated and little more than Michael Jordan's lackey. And now this.

50. Ric Ocasek: Yes, we know who his wife is. And no, we don't care.

You know, I heard the Cars on the radio yesterday. Apparently, they have some new music coming out and Todd Rundgren is their new singer. Nothing against Rundgren, but how can you have the Cars without Ocasek? This is akin to the abortion that INXS has become these days without Michael Hutchence...except the Cars don't have death to use as a convenient excuse. I just don't know if this is going to work for me.

61. Jim Gaffigan: Pasty, goofy-looking comedians abound on this list.

Maybe Gaffigan isn't exactly classically handsome, but the guy is funnier than a mofo. I highly recommend checking out his stand-up material. Highly. You'll laugh your ugly balls off.

88. John Clayton: How is this ESPN's top football guy?

If I had a dime for everytime I've asked myself this exact question, I could own an NFL team by now.

100.Brad Pitt: He may look good, but if the rumors about his hygiene and BO issues are true, then he's probably not worth it.

As soon as Angelina's nostrils tire of this stinking bag of filth, I'll be waiting right here, baby. Right. Here. I'm not moving. Just give me the word.


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