So I'm watching PTI last night and they mention that Kobe Bryant might be writing an advice column. Yes, a Dear Abby-style advice column. Obviously, I was surprised. I mean, I've seen Kobe sporting the sweater vests that Mr. Rogers wouldbe proud of, but I had no idea his transformation into a domesticated housewife had been so encompassing in scope.
Naturally, I did a little investigating and through one of my well-placed sources, the Unknown Column was able to acquire some questions Kobe has been answering for upcoming publication.
Check it out...
Dear, Kobe. I've been dating my girlfriend for a few months now and everything has been going great for the most part. But when I try get things going in the bedroom she gets cold and I don't understand why. We get along awesome and love being in each other's company but when it comes to sex she says she's just not ready yet. Am I doing something wrong?
New Falls, Iowa
First of all, Nick, the main thing you need to remember is that when a woman says no, more often than not she actually means yes. It's a game women like to play and you just have to go with the flow and work with it. Sure, they say no, no, no, and sometimes they even like to scream it. But remember, they really just crave the thrill of you taking what you want despite their protests. You're the man and they know it. So be that man. What they have is all yours. You own it. Tell yourself that. Believe that. Live that. She may be saying no but in actuality she's saying, "Nick, take me, you rough brute. Make me dirty, Nick." So get on in there and be the man. Personally, I like to grab a woman, turn her over, and grab her by the back of the neck. You want that, baby? Yeah, you want that. Maybe this move isn't for you, but experiment a little. Feel it out. Whatever makes you comfortable. The botton line is you need to step up, assert yourself, grab your girlfriend hard and take what's yours even if she's screaming with all her might that she wants you stop. (Wink, wink.) She'll love you for it. Good luck.
Dear, Kobe. I have two young twin boys and they're great kids. They both get good grades and they both show a real talent in Little League. In fact, they led their team to last year's championship and were the star players. The problem is that they just don't get along. I talk to them about it and for a while they'll play nice, but eventually they go right back to bickering constantly. It's driving me crazy. What should I do?
Patricia, in my experience, the spotlight is a very small place. In fact, it's usually only big enough for one person. It seems to me that may be the problem here. Your boys are probably cramping each other's style. They both probably feel like their better than the other and thus are eager to shine brightest. I know it may seem drastic, but your best bet is to split them up immediately. In a situation like this, one or the other has to go. Put them on different Little League teams. Request that they be placed in different classes at school, preferably as far away from each other as possible. I know you'd prefer it if your boys stuck together, but petty jealousy can be a very strong thing. Of course, they'll probably have less success as individuals that they ever did when they were teamed up together, but the ego is a very strange cat so they may just be happier apart. Hang in there.
Dear, Kobe. I have a dilemma at work. Basically, I run my office. Everything that gets done goes through me. Everything. Something needs to be OK'd? I'm all over it. Something needs to meet a deadline? That's me. The problem is that when I'm working my tail off and getting this place running smoothly, people say I'm not a team player. They say I'm a glory hog just looking for praise from management and a quick promotion. But when I sit back, delegate, and let others get more involved with the daily grind of the office, people wonder why I'm not being my normal highly-involved self. It's a double-edged sword. I'm either doing too much, or not enough. What's the best way to handle this?
Ian, what you need to do here is teach your coworkers a lesson and I'll tell you exactly how. Next time your office is really under pressure - I mean, you guys are really up against it - hang back and don't do anything. That'll show them. When the pressure is on, and your office needs you most, let your less talented coworkers handle it. Let's see how they like that. Let's see how they pull it off without you doing virtually everything. That'll show them. This may have an adverse affect on your office's performance, but it'll be worth it just to show the world how useless they are without Ian. Keep your head up.
Dear, Kobe. I've been happily married for four years. And until recently, I never cheated. However, I strayed momentariliy and was caught. My wife won't speak to me, look at me, or even let me in the bedroom. How can I fix this?
Todd, I have two words for you: big rock. Get your wife the biggest, most expensive diamonds you can affod and she'll forget it ever happened. Trust me, this works every time.