Unknown Column

The Resurrection of Rex

2006-12-11T14:01:00.000-08:00

Tonight in St. Louis, Rex Grosmman rises from the ashes and marks his return from the abyss. No more Bad Rex. Only Good Rex. What better night than a Monday night to announce to the world that the past few weeks were merely a mirage, a mistake, a slump?

Here we go now.

Game of the Year?

2006-12-11T11:04:00.000-08:00

Yesterday's Arsenal-Chelsea game made a December run in the race for Game of the Year. Any sport. I'm not saying it definitely gets the nod, but I'd have to think a while before matching it. Awesome stuff. The only drawback, if there was one, is that it was a midseason game. Late spring with the title on the line? That would have raised the stakes a bit...but who's complaining?

Michael Essien may have went on to have the possible Miss of the Year when he hit the crossbar from roughly a foot away from goal in second half injury time, but his late goal to even things was a true goosebump moment.

Trouble Brewing

2006-12-08T10:19:00.000-08:00

Tommie Harris' hamstring may be much worse than originally feared and the prospect of the ultra-stud defensive tackle missing the remainder of the season is a very real possibilty, prompting the Unknown Column to head directly to the nearest, darkest corner and curling into the fetal position.

This is exactly what the Bears didn't need. The dreaded major injury to a major player.

This is horrible, crushing, disastrous news. Harris has quickly become one of the best defensive players in the league and his absence would leave a gaping void, especially for a defense that has struggled against the run ever since Mike Brown was lost for the season in the secondary.

You really have to feel for Brian Urlacher in all of this. The heart of the Bears defense ran right up the middle like a glorious spine: Harris in the middle of the line, Urlacher at middle linebacker, and Brown in the middle of the secondary. That's probably (undeniably?) the best defensive trio in the NFL. And now? Now it looks like Urlacher will have to go it alone.

Maybe, just maybe, Harris can recover in time for the playoffs, which I suppose isn't that far out of the realm of possibility, or at least that's what I'm telling myself.

I'll be at church praying if you need me...once I get up out of this corner.

We're an Embarrassment

2006-12-08T10:02:00.000-08:00

You can add the United States Soccer Federation to the same list that includes such entities as the Chicago Cubs, Arizona Cardinals, and the entire Bush Administration. In other words, the list of all things that are completely incompetent.

After spending six months disgracefully and desperately tailing Jurgen Klinsmann with its tongue firmly planted in his behind, the USSF has been politely told by the German coach thanks, but no thanks. This means that the U.S. national team has yet to hire a coach or hit the field even once since the World Cup. We've done nothing. Nothing. It also means that the entire golbal soccer community is surely laughing at us. Even the Canucks! Oh, sure, the world has been laughing at American soccer for years now, but the fact that the laughter is more audible than ever is really saying something.

It's bad enough to lose. It's so much worse to be an utter embarrassment. And this is what we are.

The sad part is that, apparently, Klinsmann's decision was based not on money but on issues of power. If so, USSF head Sunil Gulati is even more clueless and unlikable than I initially thought.

I mean, who the fuck is Sunil Gulati? Klinsmann was a superstar player who won a World Cup in 1990 and is currently a young coach with a seemingly limitless future who already proved his worth at this past summer's World Cup...and Gulati is going to argue with him about who should have the bigger say on important matters? Really?

We're pathetic. We really are.

Meanwhile, Bob Bradley has been named interim coach. Sure, Bradley was successful here in Chicago with the Fire, but he was also fired by the MetroStars. In other words, our national team has gone from the prospect of Klinsmann to a guy who was fired by an MLS team. This is like being turned down by Phil Jackson and responding by a dude who was shitcanned in the CBA.

This summer we'll play in both the Gold Cup and the Copa America. Busy schedule. How far the embarrassment spills over onto the actual playing field remains to be seen.

I'm guessing plenty.

Has Kenny Williams Lost His Mind?

2006-12-07T12:54:00.000-08:00

The Unknown Column has been drawn from his hibernation and he's pissed off. And worried.

Apparently, Kenny Williams has either a) lost his mind, or b) become so arrogant that he's decided to do all he can to give a huge middle finger to the currently ridiculous state of baseball economics. Either way, the trade of Freddy Garcia to the Phillies for Gavin Floyd and Gio Gonzalez is quite possibly the most baffling (unbelievably dumb) move I can remember the Sox making. Actually, no, I'm positive that it is.

I don't get it. I mean, I understand the desire to open a spot in the rotation for Brandon McCarthy - a move that has been long-anticipated - but this reeks of desperation to do so.

Last season Floyd amassed a 7.29 ERA with the Phillies before being permanently shipped to the minors. In 24 career games (17 starts) he has a 6.96 ERA. Um, maybe it's just me, but those numbers kind of suck. In fact, considering the dude was drafted fourth overall in 2001, he's been a magnificent bust.

As for Gonzalez, the Sox just dealt him last year in the Jim Thome-Aaron Rowand deal and are now getting him back. I don't know how excited Sox fans are supposed to be about a guy who was already shipped out of town once.

Of course, Williams has long been a wheeler-dealer sort, so maybe he has a trick or two up his sleeve. But at the moment, it seems the Sox have just given up plenty for little (to nothing) in return. This is the sort of move that severely hampers a fan's ability to muster hope heading into a season.

And the Unknown Column is extremely fuckin' pissed off. There had better be more to this story than meets the eye.

As for Garcia, who is married to the cousin of Ozzie Guillen (a girl Ozzie raised), this should make for some intersting family gatherings.

Gold Cup Coming to Chicago

2006-12-01T10:15:00.000-08:00

The semifinals and final of the 2007 Gold Cup are coming to Chicago. Soldier Field, to be exact. This is very cool news. The lakefront in the summertime.

For the non-soccerheads, the Gold Cup is the biannual tournament to decide the best team in CONCACAF, the region we play in. Of course, this debate is endlessly a tossup between us and Mexico, as the rest of the region is pretty much our bitches. And should, as expected, the U.S. meet Mexico in the final, well, Soldier Field will be positively electric. These teams do not like each other and rhe joint will be packed.

And there is sure to be more Mejeecanos that gringos in the stands.

Hopefully, we actually, you know, get some games in soon. It would also help if we, you know, hired a coach. I wonder if Jurgen Klinsmann is laughing at us at this point. I mean, could we look any more desperate and incompetent? At the moment we remain coachless and have yet to step on the field since the loss to Ghana to close out our nightmare World Cup. Which is absolutely criminal as the rest of the world has been playing games regularly, both friendlies and qualifiers. Everyone except us. US Soccer Federation president Sunil Gulati is the definition of clueless.

This mess is a joke that is no longer funny.

Do you mean to tell me we couldn't have played at least a friendly or two with an interim coach? I thinks we could have. It would have helped and it surely beats sitting around doing nothing.

Anyway, the Gold Cup should be a blast and, by the way, has one of the larger trophies in sports. It's almost big enough for Landon Donovan to hide in during the big games.

At Least the Uniforms Look Good

2006-11-21T17:37:00.000-08:00

So DePaul has been getting some ESPN airtime the last couple days at the Maui Invitational. It's been the first chance I've had to check out the Blue Demons, who are already worrying me. Opening with losses to Bradley and Northwestern is not good. These are programs the Demons have traditionally dominated on the local scene.

Granted, I can understand the Bradley loss. Going down to Peoria is no easy deal these days now that Jim Les has the program headed onward and upward. (You remember last year's Sweet Sixteen run, right?) But losing by 20 points? Ouch.

And losing by ten points to lowly Northwestern...and scoring only 39 points in the process? Now, that's just completely unacceptable. In fact, that makes me a whole lot of uncomfortable with Jerry Wainwright in general. I'm sweating here.

At least the Demons showed a little fight in losing to Kentucky in Hawaii. They really need to beat Purdue tomorrow if I'm going to hold much hope of them accomplishing much in the brutal Big East this season.

Incidentally, the Unknown Column must give two big thumbs up for the Demons' new uniforms (seen above). I love them. They remind me of the Mark Aguirre-Terry Cummings era (or at least what I heard about it.)

So True

2006-11-21T16:28:00.000-08:00

Sadly, this list, as great and true as it is, only begins to tell the story. Someone give ESPN a mirror.

Cubs Make Soriano Very Rich

2006-11-20T12:10:00.000-08:00

The Cubs have signed Alfonso Soriano to a ridiculously large contract and the Unknown Column says good riddance.

Look, this contract is yet more foolishness by the clueless Jim Hendry as it is way too big and for way too long. Do you really want to be making Soriano's wallet that fat when he's 39? No.

But that's beside the point. Completely.

Yup, at this point, the Cubs are so sad and so desperate that it doesn't even matter. Nothing matters. So just toss the money out there. Fuck it. They have it, so toss it out there and then toss some more. Who gives a fuck? Just do something. Anything. Lose all control.

And that's what the Cubs have done. They've said fuck it and brought in a big name to offer up to Lou Piniella. And this isn't a bad thing. There will always be dim-witted, drunk Cubs fans to buy more tickets, to make more money, to hoarde away selfishly...

So fuck it.

But here's the thing: Soriano is not a leadoff hitter. This entire deal will go bust if the Cubs try to put Soriano in the leadoff position, which presumably they will.

But why? Put him in the middle of the order with Derrick Lee and Aramis Ramirez and - BAM! - you instantly have one of the scariest hearts of the lineup in all of baseball. Think about the damage those three could to. Imagine it. Damn.

Interestingly enough, the Cubs already have a leadoff hitter in Juan Pierre, who is currently a fee agent and expected to leave town anydaw now. But, hey, as long as the Cubs have their wallet open, why not go totally crazy, give Pierre some cash too, and have your leadoff hitter? Makes sense, no? Granted, I think Pierre is a bit overrated. I don't think he's necesarily the top-notch leadoff guy he's often portrayed as. But he's decent. He's solid. He's serviceable. He can do the job, sometimes quite well. And with the big three behind him, Pierre may just be inspired to accomplish much bigger things.

Shit, Pierre is just sitting right there at the moment waiting to be signed. Look at him. Just lok at him. He's right there. It's so easy. It makes so much sense.

If you're the Cubs, you have to go crazy. Go nutty. Lay it all out there.

Of course, as a White Sox fan I couldn't care less, and I'm actually chuckling already at how this latest move will implode eventually (and you know it will), but being a White Sox fan also means I'm infinitely more knowledgable than the average Cubs fan, so I figure I can give a little love and offer a little help here. Sometimes the laughter gets old and I actually feel sorry for he Scrubs.

But then it passes.

Sign Pierre, move Soriano down in the lineup, and then continue the madness and sign a free agent pitcher such as Barry Zito or Jason Schmidt. Just go fuckin' nuts!

Anyway, I'm sure half the Cubs pitching staff will be on the IR by mid-May, making this all pointless. It's all going to end badly for the Cubs just as it always does. But whatever. I'm just trying to help.

As soon as...

2006-11-20T12:07:00.000-08:00

...this kid is walking I fully expect the Fire to sign him (or her) to a contract.

Holding Steady

2006-11-20T11:31:00.000-08:00

Bears 10 Jets 0

It wasn't long ago the Bears were coming off an awful loss to the Dolphins (which actually doesn't look so bad now that the 'Phins are pulling off another second-half resurgence a la 2005) and facing the daunting task of three straight road games against the Giants, Jets and Patriots.

Naturally, many a Bears fan who has seen more bad times than good was just waiting for the loosening wheels to fall off completely.

Well, not just yet. Two straight wins in the Meadowlands has the Bears looking and feeling good heading into Foxboro where they will play their biggest regular season game in quite a while.

The offense struggled yesterday, but in a way, there was a positive to be found. Rex Grossman, while far from lighting it up, pulled off a Kyle Orton and simply managed the game. He forced no passes and didn't turn the ball over. Of course, this is a step in the right direction. In the past, Grossman and his gunslinger mentality likely would have become frustrated, forced this issue, and made some potentially fatal mistakes. Sure, it would be nice if Grossman could have aired it out for 300 yards and a few touchdowns (and it certainly would have helped my fantasy team), but as long as he continues to understand that he doesn't need to do that in order to win, well, his growth process maintains on a healthy course.

Thomas Jones appears to be getting stronger as the season wears on. I guess this is a strange but welcome positive to result from his messy summer which saw him skip voluntary workouts and then miss most of the preseason while injured. He's rested.

As for the defense, what can you say? Another shutout. Admittedly, there is cause for concern as teams have been running rather productively against the Bears of late. This is where the absense of Mike Brown hurts the most. God, is he missed. But, hey, the bend but don't break mentality has never been a bad one.

So the Bears sit at 9-1 and remain on course to earn homefield advantage throught the playoffs in the NFC. This is the goal.

So far, so good.

Borat

2006-11-11T15:43:00.000-08:00

Deleted scenes.

Starting Over

2006-11-10T07:37:00.000-08:00

It is certainly an interesting time to be the Bears - or a Bears fan. After becoming the darlings of the NFL, one horrible loss to the lowly Dolphins has changed everything. At the exact midway point of the season it seems things have gone back to the starting line. An entire reputation needs to be rebuilt. Fans are jumping from the bandwagon faster than Donald Rumsfeld was shooed away this week. The so-called experts have all dropped the Bears way, way down their rankings and can't stop talking about their many sudden weaknesses. Brian Urlacher's toe is hurt and Bernard Berrian's ribs bruised. And now three straight road games against solid teams loom on the horizon.

I guess this is the proverbial fork in the road. I guess this is where we learn what the Bears are made of.

And Chitown is nervous.

Rex Grossman has suddenly become the main target of the new skepticism, not to mention criticism. And, yeah, some of it's deserved. You can't throw the senseless interceptions he has without attracting the wrath of some. The calls for Brian Griese, just as in the preseason, are once again growing.

But let's slow down here. Grossman recently made his 16th start in the NFL, which means that, essentially, he has one full season of experience. So, yeah, growing pains should still be expected. How many top-flight quarterbacks struggled early in their career? Many. He's still finding his way.

And the fact is, Griese's upside just doesn't match that of Grossman. Sure, Grossman has had two bad games (OK, unforgettably awful) against the Cardinals and Dolphins, but he's also put up passing numbers that are completely unheard of around here. All Grossman needs to do is learn to eliminate the big mistakes. I know this is easier said than done, but in time it will happen. Or at least that's what I tell myself. Hopefully, that time comes by the playoffs. But opening up the wound of a quarterback controversy midway through the season just wouldn't be smart. The Bears are lucky enough to be in a bad division, which means they currently hold a seemingly insurmountable three-game lead in the standings. They have room for error. Er, let me rephrase that: they have room to work with. So why would you choose to sit Grossman and turn your back on the fireworks he has proven to be capable of rather than letting him continue to work out the kinks before January rolls around? That wouldn't make sense.

Maybe Lovie Smith should pull out some of last year's game tapes and have Grossman watch Kyle Orton work. This may sound funny, but Grossman could actually learn something from Orton. He could learn that avoiding the killer mistakes is just as important as completing the long pass or even throwing the touchdown. This is what Orton did last year. And he won ten games as a starter despite passing the ball with the efficiency of eating steak through a straw.

No, this is not the time to dump Grossman.

Meanwhile, Plaxico Burress is yapping about how the Bears defensive backs aren't all that great. I suppose I might be more upset by this if Plax wasn't a mediocre receiver who only recently has begun to shed the label of being a first-round bust. Still, it would be nice to see him manhandled and maybe, you know, carried off on a cart. And take Eli Manning and Jeremy Shockey with him.

And if Tike Barber is sent into retirement early, so be it. I'll absorb the hit my fantasy team would take.

The bottom line is, this week is everything the Bears could have hoped for. A Sunday night showcase against a fellow NFC contender that will go a long way in determining who will have homefield advantage in the playoffs and the inside track to the Super Bowl. It's the type of game that seperates the men from the boys. After being humbled and brought to their knees last week, will the Bears stand back up? Will they shake it off and stick their chin back out their? Will they prove to be more than pretenders?

Maybe last week's loss will prove to be a good thing. Now that all the talk of going undefeated has disappeared, maybe the Bears can get their heads on straight. Maybe it'll make them hungry again. Maybe they'll return to seeking respect rather than basking in the glow of suddenly receiving it.

We shall see.

The pick? Bears 16 Giants 10

A Knights Tale

2006-11-10T06:46:00.000-08:00

Tell me you aren't a fan of Rutgers after last night. Go ahead. Try.

What an amazing win for the Scarlet Knights, not only upending a Louisville team that had the inside track to a spot in the BCS Championship game, but overcoming a 25-7 deficit in the process. When the entire field was covered in a postgame mass of celebratory red, you had to smile, whether you were a fan or not. That was awesome.

Not bad for a program that had been at the very bottom of college football since forever. I mean, there are the teams that rarely have winning records and then there are the teams that are even worse than that. Teams like Temple or Northwestern before Gary Barnett turned it around. Rutgers was pretty much in that category.

And now, barring an upset in the next two weeks and provided they beat West Virginia in their season finale, the Knights are looking at going undefeated and being able to gripe about being shutout of the title game.

Because they won't be in the title game no matter how fun their story is. Oh, well.

While he was hardly known except to college football diehards only a few weeks ago (or, really, before last night), Greg Schiano has now surely vaulted to the top of any and all lists of hot coaches. You know he'll pretty much have the pick of any job opening he chooses come the offseason. Here's hoping he stays. One of the Unknown Column's biggest pet peeves is college football and basketball coaches who build up a relatively smaller program and then bolt for the greener pastures of a so-called major program. Often it backfires on them. Often they would have been more wise to stay put and continue to build the good thing they had going. I see no reason why Schiano couldn't continue to build Rutgers up to the point where it's an annual contender on a national scale. Why not? Hell, the Knights are practically there already. Now that they're known they'll get more respect in the polls which, in turn, will help them in the BCS rankings.

And with an Italian last name like Schiano, he's perfect for New Jersey. Tony Soprano is probably donating funds to the Rutgers program as we speak.

By the way, I've always wondered why New Jersey couldn't just be like everyone else and call its state school the University of New Jersey. Does New Jersey think it's special?

Plax Yapping

2006-11-09T15:39:00.000-08:00

Longtime mediocre Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress is yap, yap, yapping about the Bears defensive backs ahead of the teams' meeting on Sunday night in the Meadowlands.

"I don't think they're the best corners I've played against or we've played against this year. By far, no," Burress told the Newark Star-Ledger. "Those guys make plays [on] the balls that are thrown straight to them, but they're not just covering guys straight up and just shutting them down. I haven't seen any of that. "They're very beatable."

...

"Definitely not them. If they want to come out there and play cover-1, bump-and-run, be [my] guest. I, for one, love it. They want to come out there, bump and play press one-on-one? Let's get go out there and have fun. Let's get it."

Lay the dude out...and do it in the name of Mike Brown.

Better yet, don't even let Eli Manning get his passes off.

The bandwagon followers are jumping. Fuck 'em.

Here we go now.

"Scorched Colon"

2006-11-09T12:23:00.000-08:00

I'm not the smartest guy in the world, but I'm pretty sure that launching fireworks out of your ass is never a good idea. This guy should stick with sparklers.

A man suffered internal burns when he tried to launch a rocket from his bottom on Bonfire Night.
Paramedics found the 22-year-old bleeding, with a Black Cat Thunderbolt Rocket lodged inside him, when they attended the scene in Sunderland.

He suffered a scorched colon and is now recovering in hospital, where his condition is described as stable.

A spokesman for the North East Ambulance Service (NEAS) said the prank could have been fatal.

...

"There's a lot of major blood vessels round that area, so infection would probably be a huge problem for him.

"And also the body naturally produces methane gas, so combine that with the firework and the exploding effect with methane's flammability - it certainly could have been a lot worse than it really was."

From the "You Can't Make This Stuff Up" Department:

2006-11-09T11:56:00.000-08:00

Katherine Harris, infamous as the evil bitch who helped spearhead the fraudulent 2000 presidential election, may have been screwed over in her Senate race by the very voting machines she pushed for.

This week just keeps getting better and better. It's as if the Gods have finally awoken from their slumber.

Just Imagine This Family Moving In Next Door

2006-11-09T11:31:00.000-08:00

One of the most enjoyable aspects of the Republicans being routed - OK, it wasn't exactly a "rout" but whatever - was Rick Santorum being ousted in Pennsylvania in what really was a rout. That said, I fear we'll be hearing of the Santorum family again in the future, probably in some sort of serial killing spree. Yikes. This family creeps me out.

(Check the finger of Jr. on the right...)

The only question is which kid cracks first.

Crazy Birds

2006-11-09T11:27:00.000-08:00

Starlings, that is.

You Might Want to Rephrase That

2006-11-09T10:29:00.000-08:00

Manchester City's Joey Barton was recently fined for mooning fans of Everton after a game on September 30th. Apparently, he feels he's being treated unjustly and described the incident as thus...

"I was fined for a little bit of tongue-in-cheek behaviour," he said.

Um, that's gross. But to each his own.

In other soccer news, a rumor that Freddy Adu would receive a tryout with Manchester United was quickly squashed by the club. While ManU's response was respectful and professional, you could almost hear the club's higher-ups snickering all the way across the Atlantic. Honestly, Adu would receive as much action with ManU as I would.

Hell, Demarcus Beasley was one of MLS's biggest stars when he left for Europe and is currently in what should be the prime years of his career and he can't get on the field with much less powerful Manchester City. So the idea of a teenage Adu, who has yet to find his niche for a DC United club that stuggled horrendously in the second half of the season, finding minutes with the current Premiership leaders, or even its reserve side, is beyond absurd.

Big Game in November? You Bet

2006-11-09T08:37:00.000-08:00

It's never too early in the season for a big game, right? So in that vein, the Bulls' game tonight in Cleveland should be considered massive, or at least big-boned. Why? Well, it'd sure be nice if the Bulls could establish themselves in the Central Division with a road win against a fellow contender. You know, make a statement early.

With everyone in the Central playing roughly .500 ball in the early, early going, there is no reason why the Bulls shouldn't, or couldn't, distance themselves from the pack early.

The biggest problem with last years Bulls team was consistency, or lack thereof. One night they looked great, the next they looked like Jerry Krause was still stalking the halls of the United Center. (Eeewww, shivers.) So far, this season hasn't looked much different. The Bulls have sandwiched two impressive wins around an embarrassing blowout loss to Orlando and a loss to Sacramento in a game they led virtually the entire way before Chris Duhon, quite literally, threw it away. I would hate to sit through another season of such maddening inconsistency. Hopefully, a win tonight in Cleveland can set the Bulls on a straight and narrow path of success that they refrain from veering from.

Speaking of the Cavs, what was LeBron James thinking when he walked off the court with 13 seconds still remaining the other night in a loss to Atlanta? Not too classy. I suppose in the grand scheme of things this isn't a huge deal. I suppose it's just another case of a spoiled athlete acting the fool - and LeBron certainly is no Randy Moss, who was universally bashed for doing something similar - but it is further proof that LeBron is not, nor will he ever be, in Michael Jordan's stratosphere. MJ would have never quit on a game. Never.

And further in the "NBA Has Many Rockheads" Department: Rasheed Wallace recently compared the NBA's new anti-whining rules to slavery. To wit:

"I know they're going to have to do something about this crazy zero tolerance law," Wallace said. "That's retarded. In my mind, it's kind of like a slave and master or father and son. You've got your little son and (you say) don't say nothing back to me -- and to me, that's totally wrong. It ain't like that in any other sport.

"(Referees) don't already like me and all this zero-tolerance law does is give (officials) who already have a beef with players to go out and toss them."

As soon as this rule change was announced I figured it was only a matter of time before somebody cried racism. So, so predictable. Nevermind that the NBA might simply want to stamp out an ugly part of its game, an ugly part that all fans, of all races, find extremely annoying. Nevermind that NBA games will be that much more enjoyable when we're no longer forced to watch grown men act like little girls whose dolls have gone missing. Nevermind that the NBA might simply want to put a better face on its product, which, of course, is always the smart thing to do.

No, it's much easier to simply cry racism while continuing to act foolish. The NBA can't do anything these days (age limit, dress code, etc.) without being labeled racist. It's ridiculous.

Maybe someone should tell 'Sheed that his childish act got tired and old a long, long time ago. Nobody wants to see it, and thus the rule. This isn't difficult.

Dems Win

2006-11-09T07:52:00.000-08:00

Dems sweep both the House and Senate and nothing could be finer.

The next step is preventing the Republicans from ever gaining control again. And I mean ever. This can be done. Why not? Make it happen.

Not that I'm all that thrilled about the Democrats, but the GOP has proven what it's worth and that isn't much - if anything.

This week has been great, eh?

Now all America needs to do is elect Barack Obama president and things will be looking up.

And Don't Let the Door Hit You on the Way Out

2006-11-09T07:37:00.000-08:00

Man, that was quick. The midterm election votes had barely been counted before Donald Rumsfeld was given the axe. Oh, glorious day.

I'm not going to go on yet another tirade about how incompetent and cold-hearted Rumsfeld is, nor will I gloat about his embarrassing exit. This has been done a million and one times on the internet already. So all I will say is this:

As Rumsfeld goes off to wherever he goes to spend the final years of his life, I hope he looks in the mirror and is forever haunted by the simple truth that he will be remembered as as one of the worst things to happen to this country in a long, long time, probably ever. His mistakes have been documented, his lies exposed, and his place in history has been written. And it won't be pretty. His life was more than a waste. It was a tragedy. I hope he remembers this and lives with it. Forever.

Who Knew?

2006-11-07T11:02:00.000-08:00

Um, was anyone else unaware that the college basketball season is, like, officially underway?

No, really. It caught me by surprise. There's games being televised tonight on ESPNU and everyting. The Coaches vs. Cancer Classic. I had no idea. I was flipping through Sports Illustrated last night and saw an ad for the games and, of course, was pleasantly surprised. The coming rush of college hoops is never a bad thing.

Here's an ultra-quick look at some of the local teams:

Illinois - Yeah, I know they lost Dee Brown and James Augustine and a few growing pains surely await. And most most prognosticators seem to be picking the Illini to finish somewhere near the middle of the Big Ten after dominating the conference for the past few years. Hogwash. This team should be much more balanced and I guarantee you Bruce Weber has it competing for yet another conference title. If a team as good as the Illini has been can be cosnidered a surprise, this team may fit the bill.

Southern Illinois - This is legit top fifteen team. No, I'm not crazy. Trust me. The Salukis return everybody and are the real deal. I'm not exaggerating when I say that the Sweet Sixteen (or beyond?) should be a serious goal.

DePaul - Don't look now but Jerry Wainright has quietly landed two Top 50 recruits. Who knew he could recruit? Granted, they won't be ready until next year, but the Blue Demons have some talent on hand already. A move out of the Big East basement awaits and an NCAA bid may not be that farfetched. Oh, when will the DePaul glory days return? Patience, my friends, patience.

Loyola - Blake Schilb may be the best player you've never heard of. The senior led the Ramblers to their best season since 1984-85 last year (19 wins) and this year he'll average 20 points, earn some All-American recognition, and posiibly land Loyola in the Big Dance as Horizon League champs. You'll hear about him soon enough.

UIC - Ah, my boys - we're the Flames, not the Flamers! - after five straight winning seasons, should once again be a factor in the Horizon League. Othyus Jeffers is a beast. A poor man's Charles Barkley. Too bad he isn't a few inches taller because he's a gladiator in the paint, with some outside skills, as well. After earning some newcomer honors last year, he'll cement his name on the scene in 06-07.

Bruno in 'Bama

2006-11-07T10:29:00.000-08:00

With the opening of Borat this past weekend, I got to thinking of one of my favorite skits from Da Ali G show - the one where he dresses as Bruno and heads to an Alabama Crimson Tide football game.

Amazingly enough, the fine rednecks, er, folks of Alabama aren't all that open-minded about a flaming gay dude showing up on their scene.

"Are you allowed to date other members of the team or do you have to wait until the season is over?"

Scarlett Johansson Sex Tape?

2006-11-06T14:53:00.000-08:00

If true, this could momentarily stop the world from spinning.

Skeleton Art

2006-11-06T14:28:00.000-08:00

Cool site: Skeleton Art. Check out the art gallery section. A lot of interesting and wonderfully wild paintings.

Apologies

2006-11-06T13:10:00.000-08:00

Hey, hey, hey. The Unknwon Column heartily apologizes for being on a bit of a hiatus. My millions, er, handful of readers have been relentlessly harrassing me for an explanation. The endless ringing of the phone and the crowds outside my window have been driving me mad.

Truth is, to be blunt, I've been undergoing chemotherapy. Cancer. The dirty fuck. This is actually the second time. I spent much of 2005 undergoing chemo. Six rounds, which is, supposedly, the most a person is allowed before it's simply too much for the body to take. And it is. I can attest. Thank the Gods for the '05 White Sox. I've never been able to watch so much baseball in my life and the Pale Hose won the Worls Series shortly before the chemo wrapped up. The timing of it all couldn't have been more beautiful.

I followed up that chemo with some precautionary radiation treatment as my hair - my beautiful hair - grew back. Which it did.

But just when my hair was getting back to its fully beautiful self...

Bam. I was back in chemo and have been now for three more rounds, or roughly, the last nine weeks. The hair, once again, has fallen out, though thankfully, this time for some reason unknown to me, the eyebrows and eyelashes remain. This is actually important. With your eyebrows and eyelashes in place, you can put on a hat and look normal. People can't immediately tell the tragedy beneath. Without eyebrows and eyelashes, though, you can wear any hat you want and it is quickly and blatantly obvious to anyone that something is wrong. You look like an alien.

Truth be told, the first run through chemo and the ensuing radiation weren't nearly as bad as I feared it would be. It wasn't necessarily the death bed scene I had in my mind. I guess having cancer at a young age, once the shock wears off, has its advantages. While it was horrible, and I can't imagine doing the same thing at an advanced age when the body is far less sturdy, I remained physically strong for the most part. All things considered. My body was fit and healthy going in and that helped immensely.

But this time...

Well, this time the chemo is a different, stronger, more violent cocktail and it's kicking my ass at the moment.

Anyway, I never intended this blog to be the sort of personal diary that many bloggers write. I wanted, simply, to talk about sports, bitch about a few random things that piss me off, toss in a few potential laughs, and post pics of hot chicks. So I haven't felt compelled to share my personal drama, good or bad.

I only write this now because I wanted to offer an explanation for my absence. I know I have only a handful of readers, but friends have asked what the deal was. Quite frankly, I haven't had the energy. I don't mean to bitch or moan, but I just haven't had the urge to push the little buttons on the keyboard of late. Sorry.

But as of today I intend to get back in the swing of things, ot to at least do my best. It should do me some good. Although I've had a legit reason for laying low of late, I can't help but feel lazy nonetheless.

So I'll force it if need be.

Fuck it.

On the bright side, I've been on a bit of a cold streak in the gambling department of late - OK, I've been freezing - so my daily Tonight's Likes posts have probably been better off remaining in the abyss. I wouldn't want to sway anyone towards losing their $$$. (Although, I'm guessing that the accompanying photos of yummy women have surely been missed.)

Checking In

2006-10-27T12:43:00.000-07:00

Yo, yo, yo. Sorry for the lack of posts. Long story. Be Back soon.

But while I'm here...

Prediction for Sunday? Bears 27 49ers 6

And the Fire will polish off the Revs in Foxboro to advance to the Eastern Conference finals.

Book it.

Here we go now.

Tillman Pissed Off

2006-10-23T13:14:00.000-07:00

Kevin Tillman, the brother of Pat Tillman, has written an article for Truthdig magazine, and he's pulling no punches. This is great stuff.

Somehow back at home, support for the soldiers meant having a five-year-old kindergartener scribble a picture with crayons and send it overseas, or slapping stickers on cars, or lobbying Congress for an extra pad in a helmet. It’s interesting that a soldier on his third or fourth tour should care about a drawing from a five-year-old; or a faded sticker on a car as his friends die around him; or an extra pad in a helmet, as if it will protect him when an IED throws his vehicle 50 feet into the air as his body comes apart and his skin melts to the seat.

Somehow the more soldiers that die, the more legitimate the illegal invasion becomes.

Somehow American leadership, whose only credit is lying to its people and illegally invading a nation, has been allowed to steal the courage, virtue and honor of its soldiers on the ground.

Somehow those afraid to fight an illegal invasion decades ago are allowed to send soldiers to die for an illegal invasion they started.

Somehow faking character, virtue and strength is tolerated.

Somehow profiting from tragedy and horror is tolerated.

Somehow the death of tens, if not hundreds, of thousands of people is tolerated.

Somehow subversion of the Bill of Rights and The Constitution is tolerated.

Somehow suspension of Habeas Corpus is supposed to keep this country safe.

Somehow torture is tolerated.

Somehow lying is tolerated.

Somehow reason is being discarded for faith, dogma, and nonsense.

Somehow American leadership managed to create a more dangerous world.

Somehow a narrative is more important than reality.

Somehow America has become a country that projects everything that it is not and condemns everything that it is.

Somehow the most reasonable, trusted and respected country in the world has become one of the most irrational, belligerent, feared, and distrusted countries in the world.

Somehow being politically informed, diligent, and skeptical has been replaced by apathy through active ignorance.

Somehow the same incompetent, narcissistic, virtueless, vacuous, malicious criminals are still in charge of this country.

Somehow this is tolerated.

Somehow nobody is accountable for this.

Wow. Well done. It's all been said a thousand times, but it can never be said enough. Not until...

Not until...

Good Luck With That

2006-10-17T09:40:00.000-07:00

Lou Piniella has signed on to be the Cubs latest scapegoat, er, manager. While I think Piniella is a fantastic choice and clearly the bench of the bunch the Cubs were looking at, this will end badly. Trust me. It always does.

That's the thing about the Cubs. There's just something negative, creepy, dark and inescapable about the franchise that eventually drags anyone who dares step too near it down into the muck. It's like quicksand. Once you place a foot in, slowly but surely, you're dragged lower and lower until you reach rock bottom.

Dusty Baker was a good manager when he arrived on the North Side, and for a couple of years, it worked out. Things went relatively well. But then the malaise set in, the darkness began to settle, and once it did, it was all downhill. Dusty disintegrated until, just like every unfortunate soul who came before him, it all went to hell.

And that's exactly what will happen with Piniella. Oh, he may be able to be a positive influence in the beginning. In fact, I wouldn't doubt it as the present Cubs have nowhere to go but up. But give it time. Let the ghosts do their thing. I guarantee that within 3-4 years Piniella is in the same boat Dusty ended up in. Things will be in tatters and the media and fans will be screaming for his head. It's going to get ugly.

I hate to be so negative, to be a doomsayer, but the truth is out there, so why ignore it?

Ultimately, Piniella will sheepishly leave town and the next wide-eyed cat foolish enough to make the regrettable decision to take his shot at managing the Cubs will enter.

And the cyle will begin again.

It's all so predictable.

And sad.

Unbelievable

2006-10-16T22:26:00.000-07:00

Run, Devin, run: Devin Hester runs his leg of the miracle.

The phrase "Team of Destiny" is tossed around often. Maybe too often. Sometimes a team is just really good and that's why it wins. There are no miracles involved. No special forces. No tugs from the universe that won't allow the story to end any other way. No, sometimes a team is, simply, good.

But sometimes - sometimes - teams really do seem to have a special relationship with destiny. Yes, I believe it can happen. And I'd like to think that the Bears 24-23 win over the forever unlucky Cardinals tonight was a sign that maybe - just maybe - someone or something in this universe of ours is looking out for these 2006 Bears. Why? Because the Bears had absolutely no right to win that game.

But they did.

Yes, despite trailing 23-3 with only seconds to go in the third quarter, the Bears won.

Despite no touchdowns from the offense, they won.

Despite four interceptions and two lost fumbles from Rex Grossman, they won.

Despite barely a hint of a running game, they won.

This was about as unbelieveable, as surreal, a win as you'll ever witness. Two touchdowns from the Bears defense and another by the special teams in the final 15:02 of the game? Nah. No way. Right? You could write that into a movie and nobody would believe it. That just doesn't happen.

But it did.

When the offense was doing everything to revert to its former self - meaning it suddenly become completely and horrifically incompetent - Mark Anderson nailed Matt Leinart from his blindside and Mike Brown ran in the ensuing fumble. That made it 23-10. (Why does Brown always seem to find himself in the middle of these miraculous endings? Think 2001.)

Then Brian Urlacher stripped Edgerrin James and Charles Tillman ran in the fumble. 23-17.

Then Devin Hester ran back a punt. 24-23. Bears in the lead.

And all the offense was doing was watching.

Finally, after Leinart had driven the Cards to within easy field goal range, Neil Rackers missed wide left. I bet Rackers makes that kick 19 times out of 20.

If the Bears were the winners, then only the Cardinals could be the losers. No other NFL team could ever disintegrate like that. The Cubs could probably pull off something similar on a baseball diamond, but nobody else could ever pull off such a glorious choke job.

If destiny was involved, the Cards dutifully played their part.

So, yeah, maybe it's just the adrenaline of such a miraculous and impossible win running through my veins at the moment, but as the final seconds ticked off the clock of what should have been a Bears loss but wasn't, I couldn't help but think that these Bears might just have a touch of magic to them. Maybe all-important luck is on their side and that is never a bad thing. Maybe that's just wishful thinking, but I'd like to believe it is so.

Of course, there is, sadly, so much negative feedback about the Bears that comes from this game as well. Let's be honest, they played horribly, and not just Grossman. Oh, he was the worst of the bunch, but the Bears' horrible performance permeated the coaching staff and players alike. They deserved to lose, so let's not kid ourselves. And, of course, there are the injuries to Brown and Ricky Manning to begin fretting about.

But I'll save that for tomorrow morning. (This morning, actually.) For the time being, I'll go to bed fresh with the rush of seeing a game I'll never forget and the hope that this Bears team has a date with destiny.

Hey, why not?

And the miracle is complete: A football god suddenly sneezes and Neil Rackers and his holder, Scott Player, watch Racker's potential game-winning kick sail only inches wide left. Personally, I think Rackers missed because he couldn't stop laughing at Player's facemask - which is totally old-school and awesome, by the way.

Random Image Department

2006-10-16T14:22:00.000-07:00

Monday Night Spotlight

2006-10-16T13:32:00.000-07:00

Only about three more hours until da Bears play on Monday Night football for the first time since ABC gave them a pity appearance for the first-ever game at the rebuilt Soldier Field. (The Bears were crushed by the Packers, naturally.) This is what happens when you win. You actually get some, you know, respect.

A few things I'd like to see tonight:

1) Several completely exasperated looks on the face of Matt Leinart as the Bears defense hounds him into submission.

2) 100 yards from Thomas Jones and 50 yards from Curtis Benson.

3) A touchdown for Muhsin Muhammad. Bernard Berrian, Rashied Davis, Desmond Clark and even John Gilmore have all found the endzone from Rex Grossman passes. I'd like to see Muhammad get a little reward for all the possession-type catches he makes over the middle.

4) Tony Kornheiser making fun of Joe Theisman.

5) A touchdown or two by the Bears defense.

Things I don't want to see tonight:

1) Kurt Warner's wife.

Random thoughts:

1) I'm looking forward to seeing the Cardinals' new stadium. Supposedly, the place is the shiznit so I've been wanting to check it out, although I'm disappointed that it wasn't named the Pink Taco Stadium, as had been rumored.

2) Whenever the Bears and Cards meet, I wonder what it would have been like if the Cards, the NFL's oldest franchise, never left Chicago. What would it be like to have two teams in the Windy City? Would the rivalry be as divisive and hateful as White Sox-Cubs? Who would I have been a fan of? Well, considering the Bears used to play on the North Side at Wrigley Field while the Cards played on the South Side at the old Comiskey Park - and I'm a South Sider - I may have actually been a Cards fan.

That would suck, eh? Being a Bears fan hasn't always been easy, but it's been paradise compared to what Cards fans must go through.

The pick? Da Bears 103, Cardinals -2.

Here we go now.

Uribe Shooting Up Dominican Republic?

2006-10-16T13:07:00.000-07:00

Hey, do you remember last week when I was thoroughly against the White Sox bringing in Alex Rodriguez to play shortstop?

Well, why I'm still opposed to the idea, I think 'thoroughly' has been downgraded to 'mostly.' The Sox might be in need of a shortstop because Juan Uribe may be spending some time in jail - a Central American jail, no less.

Uribe and his brother are being investigated for their alleged involvement in the shooting of two men in the Dominican Republic coastal city of San Cristobal.

The incident took place on Friday night according to the El Nacional newspaper and the two victims were treated at a hospital and then released.

Uribe and his brother, Elipidio, thought that the victims walked too close to their jeep, according to a police report.

Dondolin Alessandro, a captain in the Italian Navy, suffered wounds to his stomach and hands. Antonio Gonzalez Perez, a farmer who tried to intervene, suffered a left-elbow injury but was treated and released.

First of all, I must refrain from making jokes about shooting an Italian being acceptable. So all kidding aside, I suppose Uribe should just consider himself incredibly lucky that nobody was killed. Apparently, his aim with a gun is about as dependable as his batting average, not to mention his arm in the field that produced more errors (14) than walks (13) in 2006.

Walking too close to their jeep? Jeez. Talk about a stereotypical Latin temper.

And what's with all the craziness involving Major League players when they head back to Central America? Murders, kidnappings, gunfights. It's almost as out of control as the Miami football program. It was only three years ago that one of my favorite White Sox players as a wee lad, Ivan Calderon, was murdered in Puerto Rico.

Nobody pulled off the open collar/numerous gold chains look like the legendary Ivan Calderon. Nobody.

Why Cause Headaches Over Headband?

2006-10-16T10:27:00.000-07:00

"Yeah, and I want to wear these goggles, too, Jerry. We don't have a problem here, do we, Jerry? Huh, Jerry?"

Apparently, the Bulls (i.e., owner Jerry Reinsdorf) are forbidding Ben Wallace from wearing his headband. And, worse, the word on the street is that Wallace isn't all that happy about it.

Neither is the Unknown Column.

Listen, I understand that Reinsdorf has won six NBA titles with the Bulls and a World Series with the White Sox. And that's awesome. I'm fully appreciative, as is the city of Chicago (though Cubs fans are probably a tad ticked off about that Sox title.) But his overbearing habit of running his ship like the world is still filmed in black and white and filled with Leave it to Beaver-types who say things like "Gee wiz" and who would never stray from a strict dress code is getting old. And it's getting old fast.

Reinsdorf pulled similar garbage earlier this year when he demanded that Joe Crede, A.J. Pierzynski and Neil Cotts of the Sox cut their hair, which they did. Of course, none of the three even had particularly long hair and all three have avoided any off-the-field shenanigans throughout their careers. (Crede and Cotts have been nothing short of class acts, while Pierzynski has been...well...Pierzynski.) But Reinsdorf treated them as if they were trouble-making hoodlums because their hair didn't end at the collar.

Ridiculous.

I'm not saying there are any special powers in a headband or in lengthy hair, and I'm not saying that Reinsdorf's petty antics had anything to do with the White Sox's lack of mojo in the second half of the season. But then again, who knows? Maybe they did.

All I do know is that players will perform best when they are allowed to be themselves in a positive way, and teams will perform best when they are a collection of varied personalities that are allowed to shine and blossom and coexist in a cooperative manner. The coolest teams, the teams that are the most fun to follow, and often the best, are the teams that are not only solid at what they do on the field of play or on the court, but are also melting pots of humorous, strong, and secure indivduals.

So let Wallace wear a headband if he wants. It's a fuckin' headband. What's the problem? Wallace has long proven himself as both a player and a person, so why cramp his style unnecessarily? This isn't the military and it isn't the 1950's.

Besides, Wallace is about the last person you want to piss off. Not when you just paid him all that money and especially not when he's that huge.

At Least He Has That National Title

2006-10-16T09:23:00.000-07:00

"Man, that Ken Dorsey was a helluva quarterback, wasn't he? I miss him."

Now that Joe Torre has been given a reprieve and will be allowed at least one more year to lead the Yankees to yet another disappointing playoff collapse (thank you, Steinbrenner), I can't imagine a coach sitting on a seat hotter than that currently occupied by Miami coach Larry Coker. Not even the women of South Beach are so hot. As if the the Hurricanes' slow but sure descent from national champs to mediocrity under Coker wasn't enough, Saturday's on-field brawl with Florida International should be the final nail in the coffin of Coker's tenure.

Things have sunk low when Miami is brawling with freakin' Florida International, of all teams. Florida International? Who the hell is Florida International?

It's sad, really, because Coker seems like a genuinely good guy, a guy who honestly meant every word he said when he vowed to clean up the Miami program. But the truth is that he, simply, isn't a very good coach. He was lucky enough to take over a team built entirely by Butch Davis and win a national title in his first season. And, no, I don't want to take credit away from him for that title. He won it. Fair play to him. But all the pieces were already in place and he was able to stand back just enough to watch all those pieces function perfectly for one season. Your job can't be all that hard when you have the likes of Clinton Portis, Ed Reed, Jeremy Shockey and Bryant McKinnie biding their time in the orange and green jersey until heading off to the NFL.

Since then? Miami has declined steadily and, undoubtedly, that decline will not be allowed to continue beyond this season.

By the way, check out the TV commentary of the brawl by Lamar Thomas, a former 'Cane himself. He's cheering it all on and urging the players to continue it after the game, which is amazingly stupid considering half of the Miami roster is probably armed. Talk about a dimwitted yahoo. Hysterical and ridiculous all at the same time. It's no wonder the Hurricanes can never shed their reputation for being thugs when such an attitude permeates all the way from the locker room to the television booth. I mean, someone hired this guy and gave him a mic? Sheesh.

Is this the same Lamar Thomas who, while a player at Miami, was indicted?

Thomas and Marucci were indicted by a grand jury Tuesday on charges of fraudulently obtaining Federal financial aid. The players could very likely have avoided charges by accepting an offer from the office to enter the pretrial program but missed the deadline for responding.

If so, how did he even get his TV gig in the first place?

Fire Back on Track, Head Into Playoffs

2006-10-16T08:19:00.000-07:00

I suppose that when you culminate a stretch where you lose only once in 13 games with a convincing win in the U.S. Open Cup final, a bit of a letdown might be understandable. That's exactly what happened to the Fire, who followed it's trophy-earning win over the Galaxy with two regular season losses, including a 4-1 drubbing at the hands of lowly Colombus...at home, no less.

Concentration, it seemed, had been swayed and what had been the hottest team in the league suddenly looked cold as ice. Not good.

Well, the Fire righted itself over the weekend with a 3-2 win at D.C. United in their regular season finale behind goals from Gonzalo Segares, Nate Jaqua, and Andy Herron. Though the game was void of any postseason implications, it was nice to see the team get back to its winning ways as the playofffs are set to begin.

And the Fire will most definitely need to be at its best against New England, whom they will open up against this Sunday at Toyota Park at 1 p.m. (The game will get the national audience treatment on ABC.) The Revs are unbeaten in their last seven games, meaning they're peaking at just the right time. Clint Dempsey seems to have settled down after some on-field skirmishes earlier in the year and is playing well and riding the high of recently being named U.S. player of the year. Meanwhile, Taylor Twelman may still be ticked off about his World Cup snub and itching to prove his doubters wrong with a title. Toss in the fact that the Revs lost in last year's MLS Cup and would surley likely to right that wrong, and the Fire definitely needs to be in top form in this series.

(Sidenote: Whose bright idea is it to schedule playoff games opposite the Sunday afternoon NFL smorgasborg? Maybe such conflict is inescapable during football season as the college game dominates Saturdays and the pro game Sundays, but scheduling MLS games on weekend afternoons in the fall is ratings suicide. It surely can't help at the gate either.)

In the 90th minute of Sunday's game, D.C.'s Ben Olsen nailed the crossbar with a shot from only a few feet way, directly in front of goal. It was a ridiculous miss by Olsen and a very lucky moment for the Fire, who were desperately holding onto their 3-2 lead at the time. The Unknown Column would like to think that the moment was an omen of good fortune to come in the playoffs for the Fire, a sign that the soccer gods will be looking out for them. At least that's what I hope.

Anything and everything helps when it comes to the postseason, even a little bit of luck.

Here we go now.

A Pig's Pigskin Picks - Week Six

2006-10-13T10:40:00.000-07:00

Bears at Cardinals: It's officially started. It's growing. It's sprouting wings, lifting up and floating. It has a pulse and and it's pumping harder and harder. It's red hot, loud and getting louder.

The hype, that is.

After running their record to 5-0 with yet another pummelling of a helpless opponent (Bears 40 Bills 7), da Bears have officially started the legit talk of greatness. Sheer greatness. Chicago is absolutely alive, giddy, and throbbing with hope. The next few months are being looked to with eyes wider than those of a child who has just seen Santa Clause enter through the chimney.

Where only days ago the talk of was of whether or not the Bears are for real, now it's of who they will face in the Super Bowl and if they can go undefeated. Joe Theisman thinks so and he knows everything. (Just ask him.)

19-0. Hey, why not? I believe. I really, honestly do. I always believe.

But let's be careful here.

While I hesitate to compare this year's team to the 1985 team, it's hard not to. Why? Well, it's one thing to win a lot. There's plenty of teams that do that. But rarely do teams win games week after week after week that are complete and utter blowouts. That's hard to do. There are too many solid teams out there and too many X factors. Inevitably, even the best teams play plenty of squeakers. In fact, winning the close games is usually one of the key ingredients of a great team. But much like that 1985 team, these Bears are winning while hardly breaking a sweat.

Look at some of the scores from the Bears' 1985 schedule: 45-10, 26-10, 23-7, 27-9, 24-3, 44-0, 36-0, 37-17, 21-0, 24-0, 26-10.

Now peep some scores from this year's team: 26-0, 34-7, 37-6, 40-7.

Damn. That's just filthy. Filthy. The current Bears are manhandling people, making them look foolish, embarrassing them, ripping their hearts out and dancing on them. Of course, this cannot be said without LOUDLY mentioning that it's still October and that there is plenty of season left and heads must be kept out of the clouds and we must pray to the football gods to prevent any injuries and to ask for a little luck to be on our side or a lot, please. And any other cliche you want to mention because they're not merely cliches - they're truth.

One game at a time. One series at a time. One down at a time.

On paper, the Cardinals look like an easy victim. But it's a Monday night game and the Cards' new stadium is beautiful so, surely, they will be a bit more amped up than usual to show their worth against the team that is quickly becoming the biggest story in the NFL. Things could get dangerous. Nobody can be overlooked. It's a long, long way from the clouds to the ground.

Matt Leinart looks more and more like he'll be one of the good ones, but in the meantime, the Bears defense must give him a welcome he won't forget. You know, knock him out of the game. Make him miss that easy life at USC when he had sun and success and sweet cheerleaders all about. Let him know that those days are done.

The pick? Bears 23 Cardinals 7
Straight up: Da Bears
Spread: Da Bears -11

The Bears are flying - literally.

Bengals at Buccaneers: The Bengals had a bye week to think all about the embarrassment they suffered against the Patriots. Talk about a team being exposed. The Bengals were left naked with the world watching and laughing. They remind me an awful lot of the Colts. You know, a great offense, but a questionable defense; a team that looks spectacular in the regular season but lacks that extra level of toughess when it comes to January and the games become brutal and defense-orientated. They could be facing just such a game this week when they face a Bucs team that has yet to win but has been playing teams tough, which surely makes them quite testy. Could be dangerous.
Straight up: Bengals
Spread: Bucs +5

Titans at Redskins: Vince Young certainly isn't being eased into his starting role. Last week it was a trip to Indy and the Hoosier Dome. This week it's a trip to D.C. to face the Redskins and 90,000+ of their closest fans. The kid did alright against the Colts and nearly pulled off the upset of the year. We'll see what he does here. The 'Skins are possibly the hardest team in the league to figure out. One moment I think they're another solid Joe Gibbs club ready to play with the big boys, the next moment I'm having visions of the Heath Shuler era in the capitol.
Straight up: Redskins
Spread: Titans +11

Texans at Cowboys: T.O. was whining again in recent days about his role on the team. Naturally, he wants the ball more and, naturally, he failed to mention the obvious alligator arms he had against the Eagles last week in the third quarter. The pot is boiling. The meltdown can't be far away, can it? Whatever. Other than the fact that he's on my fantasy team and thus I thoroughly agree that he needs the ball more, I honestly don't care. I just want T.O. to retire so he can go away and be forgotten. His story, really, is sad and pathetic, little more than an annoyance, no matter how long the brainless media continues to be enthralled by it.

Have you noticed that David Carr - lo and behold! - is actually having a solid year? Who knew?
Straight up: Cowboys
Spread: Texans +13.5

Bills at Lions: The Dick Jauron "Welcome Back!" tour continues. One week after returning to Chicago where he was head coach, he's going back to Motown where he was defensive coordinator before landing his current gig (not to mention a Lions player many moons ago). Apparently, nearly the entire Lions offensive line is injured, meaning things can only get worse in Detroit.
Straight up: Bills
Spread: Bills -1

Seahawks at Rams: Very quietly, the Rams are 4-1, though nobody seems to take them seriously just yet. A win here could change all that. Very unpredicatble game.
Straight up: Rams
Spread: Rams +3

Giants at Falcons: After thoroughly dominating the Redskins, the Giants once again look like NFC contenders. For one week at least, Tom Coughlin was spared the wrath of his own players. Must be nice for him. Meanwhile, the Falcons appear to be the same old Falcons, meaning that as long as Michael Vick is healthy, they're a contender.
Straight up: Falcons
Spread: Falcons -3

Eagles at Saints: A win by the Saints here against the high-flying Eagles would vault them from the status of a nice, little feel-good story to the status of straight-up media frenzy and make Sean Payton the king of New Orleans. You just know that the Superdome will be rocking, and you just know that most anyone outside of the Philly metropolitan area will be pulling for the Saints. Game of the week right here.
Straight up: Saints
Spread: Saints +3.5

Panthers at Ravens: It was nice to see Brian Billick humbled under the bright Monday night lights last week. That 4-0 start by the Ravens undoubtedly had his immense ego reaching dangerous levels. Would I be asking too much to see him humbed again, but this time at home? Hey, it could happen. The Panthers seem to be slowly finding their groove after their rough start to the season.
Straight up: Ravens
Spread: Panthers +3

Dolphins at Jets: Apparently, Joey Harrington is somehow becoming the No. 1 quarterback in Miami. Enough said. The Dolphins ship is sinking faster than a Yankees playoff choke job.
Straight up: Jets
Spread: Jets -1

Chargers at 49ers: Philip Rivers is looking Super. <-----And notice the capital S. You know what that means, right? Then again, I'm already imagining ways Marty Shottenheimer might screw up another playoff run. How has he not reached a Super Bowl yet? I mean, other than John Elway heroics, of course. Damn, can you imagine losing to the same team three times in four years in the conference championship game? I'm guessing Shottenheimer has an Elway voodoo doll hidden away somewhere.
Straight up: Chargers
Spread: Chargers -10

Chiefs at Steelers: I know Ben Roethlisberger has gone through a lot recently and that it all has possibly affected his play in a bad way. And, sure, he may snap out of it. But I'm beginnging to think he may be the most overhyped "serviceable" quarterback ever. You know, a caretaker, a dude whose job is merely not to lose games rather than to do anything spectacular. As far as Super Bowl-winning quarterbacks go, I'm beginning to think he's much closer to Trent Dilfer and Brad Johnson than Tom Brady.
Straight up: Steelers
Spread: Steelers -6.5

Raiders at Broncos: While the Bears defense has grabbed the spotlight - and deservedly so - the Broncos defense has quietly been beyond superb. One touchdown allowed in four games? Wow. Not too shabby. So I wouldn't expect more than a mere field goal or two from the dreadful Raiders.

So who else is loving the sight of Randy Moss directly in the middle of the immense Raiders mess? Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.
Straight up: Broncos
Spread: Broncos -14.5

Straight up
Last week: 14-0
Season: 34-10

Against the spread
Last week: 7-7
Season: 23-21

Wenger Just Doesn't Get it, Cries About it

2006-10-13T08:55:00.000-07:00

Arsenal coach Arsene Wenger is crying because he has to share some of his players with their respective national teams. He feels that players wear themselves when on national team duty and return to his team less than 100%. Of course, this has been going on since forever and club coaches have dealt with it accordingly. Simply, it's the way soccer works, the way it has worked marvelously for decade upon decade. But Wenger takes exception.

Says Wenger in between sobs while wiping tears from the corner of his eyes:

"Gerard (Houllier's) thoughts on the matter echo mine," Wenger said. "He thinks that what the national coaches are doing is like taking the car from his garage without even asking permission.

"They will then use the car for 10 days and abandon it in a field without any petrol left in the tank.

"We then have to recover it, but it is broken down. Then a month later they will come to take your car again, and for good measure you're expected to be nice about it."

Cry me a river.

Normally, I find Wenger to be an OK guy, but you know what? Fuck him.

He's barking up the wrong tree if he thinks club soccer can call out international soccer. The international game will always, always, always come first, no matter how much money is involved with the club game. Think about it. Players are almost always remembered for what they do when they don the jersey of their country - first and foremost. Club exploits are remembered far less vividly.

Who remembers Pele for what he did with Santos? He's remembered for what he did with Brazil.

Maradona won titles with Napoli, which was all the more impressive considering that the Big Three in Italy usually win everything. But he'll always be remembered for getting red carded against Brazil in 1982 and lifting the trophy in 1986 while wearing the Argentine stripes.

Zinedine Zidane won numerous trophies with Bordeaux, Juventus and Real Madrid. But what will he be remembered for? Winning the World Cup in 1998 and the headbutt in 2006.

Ruud Gullit and Marco Van Basten won trophies in Holland and then won everything in sight while together with AC Milan in Italy. But they'll always be remembered first for that great Holland team at the 1988 EURO championships and the disappointment of 1990.

Luis Figo has had a great club career, but years from now the exploits (disappointment?) of Portugal's "Golden Generation" are what will come to mind first when his name is mentioned.

The list goes on and on.

Soccer players hop from club to club to club, even far moreso than athletes in American sports. Naturally, that takes something away from the meaning of it all - if only a little.

Sure, club football is massive in popularity and rolling in $$$$, but in the end, the international game always has and always will be more important. Period. Wenger can cry and whine all he wants, but players aren't stupid. No matter how big their bank accounts get, they know that to truly cement their legacies they need to play for their country and do something great on the biggest stage.

Wenger needs to change his diaper and pipe down. Dude has a freakin' all-star team at his disposal at all times, so make your lineup according to the present situation and realize your place on the totem pole.

His players at Arsenal are, essentially, mercenaries, merely passing through and colelcting enormous paychecks. They've played for other clubs before and will move onto new clubs in the future.

But they all have only one country for which they can play and it's on the international stage where legends are truly born.

Idiots With Guns

2006-10-12T11:05:00.000-07:00

You Hypnotize Me

2006-10-12T10:40:00.000-07:00

I suggest you drag straight up. But any direction works, really.

Looking Good

2006-10-12T10:15:00.000-07:00

The Bulls beat the Wizards 87-86 last night in their preseason opener. There isn't really much to say about the game, but seeing Ben Wallace wearing the Bulls duds in game action for the first time sure was nice, eh?

Rookie first-rounders Tyrus Thomas and Thabo Sefolosha looked quite spiffy them damn selves.

This Bulls season is going to be awesome. I can feel it.

The Soccer Gods are Croatian?

2006-10-12T09:49:00.000-07:00

In what is surely one of the funniest goals you'll ever see, England keeper Paul Robinson completely whiffed on a back pass from Gary Neville yesterday and watched helplessly as the ball rolled into the back of his net. The goal put the Brits down 2-0 in the EURO qualifying game and effectively ended any hopes they had of leaving Zagreb with any points. The clip is here...

Two things in particular to note...

1) You have to watch the replay that occurs at the 1:10 mark. It fully shows how the ball was rolling smoothly along the ground until it mysteriously bounced up and over Robinson's foot. Hysterical. It's as if a soccer god, who must have been Croatian, was watching and pulled the ball up with an invisible string. In all honesty, as foolish as Robinson looked, watch the replay and it's hard to find much fault in him. The very definition of unlucky.

2) I love how England coach Steve McClaren is seen frantically writing something on a handy sheet of paper immediately after the goal. I mean, what could he have possibly been writing at that moment? My only guess would be a confession to leave behind after he commits a murder/suicide involving him and Robinson in the locker room after the game.

Oh, Please, No

2006-10-12T09:17:00.000-07:00

According to this, Kenny Williams may be interested in bringing Alex Rodriguez to the South Side.

White Sox GM Ken Williams still believes Alex Rodriguez, only 31 years old, would be a hero in Chicago, and never has been afraid of criticism for making a big splash for a big name. The White Sox would have much more than most teams to offer the Yankees—certainly more than the talent-starved Cubs—in return, including fellow third baseman Crede. Coincidence or not, Crede also is represented by Boras, not a friendly face among Sox executives. But Boras could do both of his clients a favor getting Rodriguez to a less-pressurized situation in Chicago.

In the name of all that is holy, this simply cannot happen. Being forced to root for A-Rod day in and day out...well...I don't even want to think about it. My dislike for the guy is well known, and in this regard I am far from alone. There were overflowing amounts of scheudenfreud in my mind this past weekend as the Yankees were booted by the Tiggers and A-Rod once again choked in the postseason. It was the icing on the cake following the Sports Illustrated article from only a few weeks ago that fully exposed all the dislike for A-Rod there is in this world, even from his teammates. Watching A-Rod and the Yanks fail yet again was one of those rare instances where everything goes so, so perfectly.

Yes, I know A-Rod puts up phenomenal numbers and is still in his prime, but his excess baggage just isn't worth it. Even worse, why would you want him to replace Joe Crede? The Sox waited patiently through several years as Crede struggled as a youngster. But each year he got a little better and this past summer he finally blossomed (.283 AVG, 30 HR, 94 RBI). And those numbers, most likely, will continue to improve. Toss in the facts that Crede is arguably the best defensive third baseman in the game and has always been a class act, and this move would make no sense. Sure, Crede is a free agent and due for a big pay raise, but both he and A-Rod are represented by superevil agent Scott Boras and the Sox are going to pay a boatload either way.

I realize this is only a rumor, and I realize that the Sox have super prospect Josh Fields itching to come up from the minors to play third base (which would allow A-Rod to switch back to shortstop), but I'm genuinely creeped out here.

Cory Lidle, 1972-2006

2006-10-12T08:34:00.000-07:00

What a crazy, shocking and sad story.

I must admit, I didn't know much about Cory Lidle before this year. He was simply one of those journeymen names you see floating around baseball in fantasy drafts and box scores. I didn't even know what he looked like until this past spring when I drafted him for my fantasy team in the late, late rounds. He was one of those guys who, after quickly looking at his stats, you select just hoping that maybe he can help you out, but you're not expecting much. I ended up dumping him about midway through the season and didn't think of him again until he was traded to the Yankees. I remember laughing because I figured the Yanks were further stocking their mediocre pitching staff with another very mediocre pitcher, which made me happy. I hate the Yankees.

Anyway, sorry to interject my fantasy perspective but that's all I really know about Lidle. By all accounts, however, he was a good guy and solid teammate. Godspeed to his family and friends. I've always figured if you're going to go out then you might as well go out doing something you love, and Lidle ws allegedly in love with flying airplanes. So there's always that. I suppose.

655,000...

2006-10-12T08:27:00.000-07:00

...dead Iraqis and counting.

American and Iraqi public health experts have calculated that about 655 000 Iraqis have died as a result of the March 2003 US-led invasion and subsequent violence - far above previous estimates.

...

That means 2.5% of the Iraqi population had died because of the invasion and ensuing strife.

And what has been accomplished?

Doh!

2006-10-10T12:48:00.000-07:00

Don't he feel dumb.

I Wonder if She Knows Troy Smith

2006-10-06T13:08:00.000-07:00

If I was a stud high school football player agonizing over the decision of where to take my highly sought after talents, this would probably put Ohio State on my short list of potential choices...and I hate the Buckeyes. But it would. (Probably not safe for work.)

* Hat tip to the Big Lead.

Random Image Department

2006-10-06T12:33:00.000-07:00

Cubans Onto Something

2006-10-05T21:04:00.000-07:00

Apparently, Cuba has an unusually large number of people who have reached 100 years of age. Their secret? Coffee, cigars, and sex.

Well, duh. And you thought they were exceedingly healthy from their numerous attempts to swim to Florida.

Cuba's high number of centenarians say their longevity is down to laying off alcohol, but indulging in coffee, cigars and sex.
The findings are the result of a study that looked into the lives of 54 out of the more than 100 centenarians who live in Villa Clara province.

More than 60% of them had parents who also lived to be over 100.

Cuba, with a population of 11.2 million, has about 3,000 people who have lived for more than a century.

I have the coffee part down. And I'm totally trying to have way more sex and following it up each time with a slow, soothing cigar. Once I get that down, I'll be the picture of health. If any of the Unknown Column's female readers is interested in a similar health-maintenance routine, contact me at the e-mail above.

International Week Upon Us

2006-10-05T20:43:00.000-07:00

The domestic leagues around the world take a break from Satrurday through Wednesday so national teams around the globe can gather and play some games, most notably in Europe where qualification for EURO 2008 continues.

The Unknown Column loves international weeks. Sure, it's awesome to watch the richest clubs round up insane amounts of talents and battle each other, but there's just something about seeing dudes don the jerseys of their country that has always, always been my favorite thing in sports. Well, that and NFL cheerleaders.

Here's a roundup of some the more notable games:

Saturday, October 7

Belgium at Serbia: Interesting game as neither is that bad and one, along with Poland, is likely bet to push Portugal in Group A.

Ukraine at Italy: Rematch of the World Cup quarterfinal here in Group B. I don't have a good feeling about Roberto Donadoni as the Italian coach. They have one point from two games thus far and I'll love - LOVE! - to see that struggle continue here. Fuckin' Italians.

France at Scotland: Damn, Group B is stacked. When, if ever, will the Scots return to form on the international stage? A win at home here would go a long way in doing just that. France coming off impressive win over Italy.

Greece at Norway: Group C is a joke, but both Norway and Greece have max points right now and both have to be considered a legit threat to win it, which is wrong on so many levels. Hey, I had a bad, bad dream once that Greece won EURO 2004. Then I woke up and laughed at the absurdity of it all.

Ireland at Cyprus: The lads get rolling here after hanging tough in Germany in their opener, a 1-0 loss. Gonna be a rout, baby.

Macedonia at England: Things should go more smoothly for the Brits in Old Trafford than they did in Macedonia recently. Allegedly, Steve McClaren will try a new, more attack-minded lineup, meaning he may have learned from the biggest mistake of his predecessor, Sven Goran Erickson. But we'll see how that goes. McClaren isn't the first coach to vow to be more offensive only to revert to a defensive shell...yet again.

Israel at Russia: Israel has max points from two games, meaning their surprising WC 2006 qualifying campaign may have been no fluke. But you know Russia is improving everyday under Guus Hiddink. The Ruskies will be tough. Soon. Real soon.

Northern Ireland at Denmark: Northern Ireland is coming off massive upset of Spain and could be a group spoiler. Danes have qualified for every EURO since 1992, which they won, and are looking to bounce back from missing the World Cup.

Spain and Sweden: One of the biggest games of the week. Spaniards could spiral if they lose again on the road, which is possible. Raul will not be on Spanish roster for first time since 1964.

Netherlands at Bulgaria: Coaching matchup of two of my all-time favorite players - Marco Van Basten vs Hristo Stoichkov. Bulgaria scored twice in final minutes to tie at Romania and if they get some points here they may start feeling good about themselves. Could be a spoiler. Stoitchkov is a fuckin' madman and I love it.

Wednesday, October 11

England at Croatia: First big test of McClaren era. Should be a tricky trip.

Czech Republic at Ireland: Aye, the lads needs this one. I've already got my face paint on. Huge, huge, huge. Landsdowne Road will be rockin'.

Scotland at Ukraine: Which team stays with France and Italy in this group? Which falls by the wayside?

Portugal at Poland: Two World Cup teams. Could be tough trip for Portuguese.

Germany at Slovakia: Germans unlikely to reach double-digits again.

A Little Justice

2006-10-04T10:38:00.000-07:00

Clint Dempsey has been named US soccer's national team Player of the Year. Which is nice to see considering he's just about the only American player worth anything. (There are a few others - a few.) Thank goodness we don't have to witness Landon Donovan getting this award as we all dance behind the facade that is the belief that Donovan is any good.

That said, it's really saying something that the award is going to Dempsey, essentially, because he scored the lone U.S. goal at the World Cup. His Revs team hasn't lit it up this season in MLS and Dempsey has had some controversies on the field regarding his temperment. Is this really the state of American soccer?

But I'm still a big supporter of the dude.

If it was up to me, I'd place Dempsey at center midfield and build the national team around him. He's got the talent, and more importantly, he's got the cajones that Donovan lacks. He has a certain swagger. Just as importantly, Dempsey needs to take his game to Europe. Immediately. He's been adamant on a number of occasions about wanting to go overseas, and yet MLS continues to play games with him, locking him up here and stifling his improvement.

MLS really is moronic at times. Listen, I'm all for MLS and it's continued growth. And I'm confident that one day it will be huge. I really am. But the people running it, on all too many occasions, really are a bunch of twats.

If Dempsey can find a suitor in Europe, let him go. Stop fuckin' with him. MLS has no right.

Have You Noticed...?

2006-10-04T10:00:00.000-07:00

Arguably the best - and inarguably the most underrated - player in college football is from right here at Northern Illinois: Garrett Wolfe. In only five games thus far, he's already rushed for 1,181 ayrds and 11 touchdowns, including a 353-yard, 3-touchdown performance against Ball State last Saturday.

Wolfe averaging 9.3 yards per carry. Think about that. That's almost a first down everytime he takes a handoff. Filthy.

Sadly, the native Chicagoan is receiving hardly any publicity right here in Chitown despite playing for a local team - not to mention a team that has legitimate bowl hopes. So I doubt any serious Heisman consideration will come from around the country. But it'd be nice if maybe, just maybe, Wolfe gets to fly to New York for the ceremony. There isn't a player across the land who is doing nearly the things Wolfe is doing at the moment.

I Don't Know

2006-10-04T09:39:00.000-07:00

I just don't know. If you understand this, please explain.

Fuckin' Hypocrite Politicians

2006-10-04T09:35:00.000-07:00

It's always the same. It never ends. Those who say they are holy, are sinners. Those who say they are righteous, are hideous. Those who tell us how to live, are creeps. And these are our leaders. These are the people we elect. Why is power syomonous with assholes?

Congrats to the Vancouver Whitecaps

2006-10-04T08:40:00.000-07:00

This is a bit belated, but I wanted to say congrats to the Whitecaps for winning the United Soccer Leagues title over the weekend. And in dominant fashion no less, pounding the Rochester Rhinos 3-0 on the road in the final. Impressive. (For those not in the know, the USL is a step below MLS.)

I've always been a fan of the USL franchises that, somehow, someway, have managed to stick around since they were in the NASL in the 1970s (Whitecaps, Seattle Sounders, Portland Timbers, etc.) These franchises are true soccer survivalists and it's nice to see one of them win the USL title. They've been around since they were battling teams like the Chicago Sting and New York Cosmos, and even when there was barely a league to play in, they've survived in some shape or form. You have to appreciate that.

Perhaps the Whitecaps will be in MLS someday...especially if the Toronto expansion team is a success. There is currently a stadium being built in Vancouver, so maybe it's not too farfetched.

Also, this might sound crazy, but I have an idea...

I think the USL champ should somehow be allowed into the MLS playoffs. Why not? Do we really need, say, the fourth place, sub-.500 team from the Eastern Conference in the postseason. Not really, I say. Relegation/promotion will never happen in America, which is unfortunate, but allowing the USL champ into the MLS playoffs would be a step in that direction.

Am I being crazy here? Wouldn't this be a good idea? Wouldn't it be cool to see what the Whitecaps might do against the big boys if given the opportunity? It's about time MLS thought outside the box a bit.

Speaking of MLS, the Red Bulls' Josmer Altidore is only 16 years old. In five games thus far, he's scored three goals. My money says this kid is eventually a better player than Freddy Adu. If nothing else, it will be interesting to compare the two youngsters as their careers progress. One was given unmatched hype (Adu) while one has come out of nowhere (Altidore). Stay tuned.

It's Been Awhile

2006-10-04T07:37:00.000-07:00

The Unknown Column has been away, testing the bounds of reality (as they say), floating through space, and dealing with some shit. Let me catch up on a few things:

1) Da Bears. That was a helluva a beatdown da Bears laid on Seattle on Sunday night. Hell, at this point the Bears look so damn good in all facets of the game that I'm actually wondering if they're peaking too early. Maybe they should save some of this utter domination for, you know, January.

Everything is clicking right now. Everything. The defense is as awesome as ever, allowing just one touchdown so far this season. Rex Grossman looks great. How great? He's looking like a fantasy starter (ie, he's piling up stats, which is unheard of from a Bears quarterback). More importantly, he's winning. Period. Even Thomas Jones and the running game looks to be back on track.

Not to look ahead, but the upcoming schedule looks more than manageable. Barring a major upset, the Bears shouldn't lose for a long while. This ride is only beginning, the journey is just underway. Strap yourself in, sit back, and enjoy.

I guess the best thing da Bears can do at the moment is to keep doing exactly what they're doing. Keep improving. Keep working. Don't get cocky. And stay healthy.

Here we go now.

2) Dusty Baker was shitcanced by the Cubs. Yet another depressing chapter in the sad tale of the Cubs has come to an end with a whimper and not a bang. Now, of course, for the next several weeks, we'll be lambasted with news about the Cubs managerial search.

Which doesn't even matter.

Look, regardless of who the Cubs hire, we all know how it's going to end. It's going to end badly. That's just the way it is with this joke of a franchise. So, please, spare us all all the constant reminders of the Cubs pathetic offseason and stop pretending like the Cubs even matter. There is absolutely no reason for the Cubs manager search to be front page news. None. Put it on page seven next to the high school scores where it deserves to be. Just tell us when a new manager is hired so we can shake our heads at his misfortune, wish him luck, and move on. Let's not act like this is a big deal. It's not.

3) Apparently, Congress is about to pass a bill that would outlaw internet gambling. I'm speechless. I'm in shock. I feel faint. I'm scared.

The present administration has done a lot of awful things and made countless poor decisions. Hell, I'm convinced W will go down as the worst president ever. But this crosses the line. I've had enough. I'm storming the gates.

Gambling? Really? With all the shit going down (Iraq, a horrible economy, kiddie fiddlers, etc.) gambling is what these useless politicians decide to go after with venom? Gambling? The entire country is spiralling out of control, it's all their fault, and they've decided to crack down on some overweight slob in his frontroom with pizza stains on his shirt who wants to place a few bucks on the under for the Purdue-Wisconsin game? Really?

Pathetic.

4) The Bulls have opened training camp. I've not been this excited about a Bulls team since the dynasty years. Listen, I don't want to look too far ahead or count any chickens before they hatch, but between the Bears and the Bulls, there is so, so much to look forward to in the immediate future here in Chitown.

Oh, and the Fire enters the MLS playoffs very soon.

5) The Blackhawks (Yawn) are currently (Yawn) in preseason. (Yawn)

6) Rock on.

Random Image Department

2006-09-29T11:16:00.000-07:00

This is from last week's Sports Illustrated. Check out the dad totally not protecting his daughter while ducking out of the way himself. Don't he feel the fool, I bet.

A Pig's Pigskin Picks

2006-09-29T09:52:00.000-07:00

Week Four

Seahawks at Bears: It doesn't get much better than this. A nationally televised Sunday night game pitting the potentially two best teams in the NFC? Rock on. This is yet another big test for Rex Grossman, who last week showed that he can a.) win on the road, b.) come up with a big play late in a game, and c.) overcome a huge mistake. And, man, that interception he tossed up early in the fourth quarter last week was a mistake. For the sake of my healthy, let's hope Grossman never does that again. Ever. Lesson learned, OK?

The Bears would seem to have an advantage with Shaun Alexander out, but that passing game of the Seahawks is downright scary, and if the Bears vaunted defense has a weak spot, it's defending the pass. Just ask Steve Smith and Carolina, or Jon Kitna, who somehow looked good two weeks ago despite the Lions being routed in Chitown. I don't know how that happened, but it did.

Matt Hasselbeck will have to be crushed. Manhandled. Obliterated. I want to see him stumbling off to the sideline looking like the drunkest dude in the bar walking out the door at closing time.

Oh, and I want 100 yards from Thomas Jones and 50 from Cedric Benson. That can be done, right? Right.

The pick? Bears 20 Seahawks 10
Straight up: Bears
Spread: Bears -3.5

Colts at Jets: The Colts, as good as they are offensively, might be the most boring team in the NFL. I mean, why are they even playing the season, winning games, and building up hope? I'm serious about this. We all know they can't run the ball or stop others from running the ball and we all know their season will end with a playoff defeat as Peyton Manning looks close to tears while blaming the loss on teammates and Archie Manning comes one step closer to finally realizing his son is a choke artist. Ah, it's all so predictable.

Are the Jets really 2-1?
Straight up: Colts
Spread: Colts -9

Chargers at Ravens: Interesting game for the Chargers, who have built up all sorts of hope already, but have played nobody of any consequence. This trip to the East Coast should clear some things up.

Baltimore? I like the combo of McNair and that always nasty defense, but I can't help the feeling that we're real close to seeing Kyle Boller. McNair can't stay healthy all year, can he?
Straight up: Chargers
Spread: Chargers -2.5

Vikings at Bills: This game just stands out to me as easy money. Are the Vikings really the underdog? I understand the game is in Buffalo, but haven't the Vikings looked like a legit team while the Bills have been, well, crazy? They beat up on the 'Phins in Miami and then get pounded by the Jets at home? Come on now. And how do they get 300 yards from Losman and 150 from McGahee...and lose? I'll tell you why. They're crazy.
Straight up: Vikings
Spread: Vikings +1

Cowboys at Titans: The only good thing to come out of the latest ridiculously dumb "saga" surrounding T.O. are the daily press conferences with Bill Parcells. Oh, that's prime entertainment right there, my friends. Parcells continues to waver between being completely flabbergasted while also looking slightly amused by the whole ordeal. And the way he refers to T.O. as simply "the player" is priceless. And for what it's worth, I think Parcells has been handling it all about as well it could possibly be handled. Big props to the Big Tuna.
Straight up: Cowboys
Spread: Titans +9.5

49ers at Chiefs: If he isn't careful, Alex Smith might just change my opinion that he will be a complete bust. He's looked solid. Meanwhile, who's playing quarterback for the Chiefs these days? Steve DeBerg? Steve Bono? Len Dawson?
Straight up: Chiefs
Spread: 49ers +7

Saints at Panthers: There definitely seems to be a little bit of magic in the air surrounding the Saints these days. And that's a good thing. They can use it. We all can. Their success is a fun story right now. But can it continue on the road in Carolina? Nah, they'll lose, but they'll keep it close.
Straight up: Panthers
Spread: Saints +7

Cardinals at Falcons: Just play Matt Leinart. Seriously. The Cards are dangerously close to letting another season slip away, so just play the kid and see what happens. Kurt Warner was done three years ago. Someone fill in Dennis Green with the news.
Straight up: Falcons
Spread: Falcons -7.5

Dolphins at Texans: Prediction? Mario Williams will get his first-ever sack while re-injuring Daunte Culpepper's knee and somewhere thunder will roar.
Straight up: Dolphins
Spread: Dolphins -3.5

Lions at Rams: The Lions are funny.
Straight up: Rams
Spread: Rams -5.5

Patriots at Bengals: If I'm Tom Brady, I'm fuming right now. The guy restructures his contract to create more cap space and now the Patriots remain $10 million under the cap while letting all sorts of important players go. Listen, that's the type of garbage that can make a good player get up and leave town the first chance he gets. This all sounds like something the Cubs would pull. The karma will be hitting the Patriots hard and swift real soon. In fact, I think it already is.
Straight up: Bengals
Spread: Bengals -6

Jaguars at Redskins: Here's hoping Maurice Jones-Drew keeps doing what he did last week for the Jaguars. Not only could the aging Fred Taylor use the help in the Jags' backfield, but I'll look like a genius for having Jones-Drew on my fantasy team.
Straight up: Redskins
Spread: Redskins +3

Browns at Raiders: Something tells me the Browns aren't as bad as they seem to be. Just a hunch. Meanwhile, Randy Moss continues to dance with karma. It's not a fun dance. Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.
Straight up: Browns
Spread: Browns -2.5

Packers at Eagles: I'll be honest - even though I'm a Bears diehard and thus supposed to hate the Packers, I'm enjoying the recent rennaissance of Brett Favre. The way the media and fans turned on Favre last year was quite repulsing. Talk about kncoking a guy from his pedestal out of pure mean-spiritedness just because you can, just because a guy is struggling. Ugh. Favre has carried himself with class and grace for his entire career, and then when he needs some time to decide whether or not to retire from the game he has been playing since childhood, he's portrayed as an asshole for not rushing the decision. It was all garbage, petty garbage. No, I'm no fan of the Packers, but it's nice to see Favre possibly having the last laugh here. Good for him.

Speaking of rennaissances, Donovan McNabb is enjoying one of his own at the moment, which is equally as enjoyable. After some yahoos actually portrayed him as a bad guy in the T.O. mess from last year, it's nice to see McNabb bounce right back to his winning ways while T.O. becomes more and more of a running joke. All, somehow, seems a little more right with the world.
Straight up: Eagles
Spread: Packers +11

Last week
Straight up: 8-6
Against the spread: 8-6

Season
Straight up: 20-10
Against the spread: 16-14

Greg Couch Sucks

2006-09-28T15:37:00.000-07:00

I've never been a fan of the Sun-Times Greg Couch. To be honest, he's always hit me as a whimpering, simpering, whiny hack, who writes an incredibly boring and time-wasting column (if you actually read it, which I wouldn't recommend.) So it was sort of ironic when yesterday he wrote a big, fat column claiming that Cedric Benson was "pouting" after the Bears win over the Vikings on Sunday.

Today Benson has been reduced to defending himself against these accusations, with Lovie Smith supporting him.

Now, I understand Benson has had his problems since arriving in Chitown, but this entirely unecessary ordeal reeks of Couch being a jagbag. The Bears came up with a big early season win that propelled them towards the shortlist of Super Bowl contenders and Couch couldn't think of writing anything better than a hacket job on Benson. How cheap.

Listen, a quote I read today from Benson mentioned how he was celebrating wildly with Grossman after Grossman's game-winning TD pass. And it was true. I saw it. Benson put Grossman in a big ole bear hug and was clealy having a jolly, joyous ole time living up the moment. Benson was totally into it and loving everything. He was stoked.

So fuck Greg Couch. Of coure, the Sun-Times is the same newspaper that continues to employ Jay Mariotti, so it's choice in writers remains very suspect - and sad. I wonder if Mariotti and Couch hang out and try to out depress each other.

NFL Overseas

2006-09-28T14:01:00.000-07:00

No, really. This many people actually came to see the Cards and Niners. Crazy Mexicans.

The NFL is considering playing more games - more regular season games - in foreign countries. I guess this is what happens when you plant more than 100,000 asses in the seats of the magnificent Azteca Stadium for last year's - ahem - riveting tilt between the Cardinals and 49ers in la Ciudad de Mejeeco.

I can't say I blame the NFL. A franchise could probably thrive in Canada, Germans love the game, judging by the way nearly every European franchise seems to end up there, and with however many billion people it has, I'm thinking China could pack a stadium.

How about a game in Bagdad? (Hey, I'm trying to think outside the box here.)

Tonight's Likes

2006-09-28T13:29:00.000-07:00

BYU (+7) at TCU. The Horned Frogs are always tough and are likely to win, but BYU should keep it close. The Cougars' two losses were both very close at Arizona and at Boston College, neither place easy to play.

BYU/TCU under 47. Last year's game between these two ended 51-50, but I'm just crazy enough to take the under here.

September record: 4-1

First Half of the Double? Done

2006-09-28T08:35:00.000-07:00

You can add one more trophy to the Fire's trophy case, which is already bulging after only nine years of existence. With a 3-1 win over the Los Angelas Galaxy on Wednesday night in Toyota Park, the Fire captured the U.S. Open Cup in what, hopefully, will prove to be the first half of the "double" (ie, winning the upcoming MLS Cup, as well.)

Amazingly, this is already the fourth U.S. Cup won by the Fire to go along with the MLS Cup won in 1998. Equally amazing, the Fire is now 11-1-1 in its last 13 games. Man, I love tossing around the word 'amazing' to describe the Fire.

The 3-1 scoreline wasn't nearly indicative of how close the game was. After the Fire controlled much of the first half and took a 2-0 halftime lead with a pair of goals in a six minute period (Nate Jaqua in the tenth minute and Andy Herron in the 16th), the Galaxy dominated long stretches of the second half, halving the deficit on a goal from Alan Gordon in the 51st minute and then continually pushing forward and looking very much up to the task of finding the equalizer until Thiago settled things with a victory-sealing strike in the 88th minute.

Ironically, while many have been quick to bemoan Jaqua's inability to use his height to capitalize on headers, he actually had to dive low to head in his goal. Justin Mapp, whose crosses were involved in the Fire's first two scores, sailed in a cross from the left side that C.J. Brown and Herron both got touches to before the ball bounced nicely in the direction of Jaqua, who had to stoop to knock it in the net with his noggin. One of the several other Fire players who stand on the short side might have had to jump. (I jest, I jest.)

Herron's goal? If you can, catch the video of Herron's goal, which was pretty, pretty, pretty. A cross, again from Mapp but from the opposite side of the field this time, found its way to the head of Herron, who deftly touched the ball ever so lightly just past the inside the far post and into the side netting. It couldn't have been placed any more perfectly.

After Ivan Guerrero nearly turned the game into a 3-0 rout by hitting the left post early in the second half, the Galaxy survived the near death blow and attacked relentlessly. While it is hard to find much criticism with Fire coach Dave Sarachan at the moment, this brought about the old dilemma of his tendency to sit on a lead and play all defense, which can be maddening, scary, and often backfires. Sarachan didn't immediatley make any defensive subs, but it seemed clear that the orders were to hang back and wait for the counter attack. This provided for nearly an entire second half of intense moments as, at times, it seemed inevitable that the Galaxy would equalize. Far more than I would have liked, I found myself turning to the clock to see how much time we had to kill off - and, good Lord, that clock seemed to be moving slowly.

In the end, it moved just quickly enough.

Immediately following the game, the entire Fire team headed directly to the wild Section 8 crew of lunatic fans behind the north goal and thanked them for their endless chanting, singing, undying love and general craziness. It was nice to see a team who appreciates its passionate, dedicated, diehard fandom. It was also nice to see the giant trophy being paraded around Toyota Park. I can't think of a better way to christen the place in its first year of existence or a better way to get get the good vibes settling into every seat, nail, post, and rafter.

It was also nice to see Chris Armans involved in the celebration, though decked in a suit and heavy jacket. The ageless captain was unable to play after picking up a red card in the semifinal win over D.C. United, but we all know the Fire probably wouldn't have been there without him.

By the way, sitting in the fourth row, I got to see Landon Donovan pull his disappearing act up close. It's a neat trick, really. It's like he's there but he isn't. Yes, he's great at disappearing in big games and, though he was involved in the Galaxy's goal, did little in this one. I was also able to hear the plenty of heckling Donovan received. Now, maybe I'm mean-spirited for enjoying it, but I can't say he didn't deserve it. For a guy who wasn't accomplishing much himself, he certainly was prone to throwing hissy fits and commanding his teammates around. Blech.

Anyway, as hot as the Fire is at the moment, and with the U.S. Open Cup now safely in their possession and tucked away in the trophy case forever and ever, the mission at this point is clearly to reach the MLS Cup on November 12 and capture the double. Can this be done? The Unknown Column sees no reason why not.

Here we go now.

Player ratings (On a scale of 1-10; 10 being Maradona in the 1986 World Cup, 1 being Landon Donovan in the 2006 World Cup.)

GK - Matt Pickens - 7: Continues to play steadily in the place of the injured Zach Thornton. Looked shaky once or twice, but actually made two fantastic saves in the immediate buildup to the Galaxy's lone goal. Where was the defense at that moment? It was great to see Thorton immediatly race from the bench to his understudy after the final whistle to offer congratulations, bad hammy and all. Ah, team camaraderie.

D - Tony Sanneh - 7: Watching him commandeer the middle of the defense these days, I can't help but wonder if Sanneh wouldn't have been a better choice than Eddie Pope in a similar position for the national team in the World Cup. While Pope has clearly lost a step (or three), Sanneh seems to still be at the top of his game, or close to it, despite his age. He even came forward in attack to calmly set up Thiago's clinching goal with a patiently taken, well-placed pass.

D - CJ Brown - 7: Much like Sanneh, the vet seems to be as steady as ever. Involved in the first Fire goal and helped to keep Donovan and the entire Galaxy attack in check all night.

D - Gonzalo Segares - 6: Can look shaky at times, but all in all, the lefty did a steady job on the left side. The Galaxy was relatively quiet coming down its right side so credit to Segares is due here.

M - Nate Jaqua - 6: While I still feel uncomfortable seeing Jaqua man the right side of midfield, he did score the first goal, so credit where credit is due. Rather quiet for the rest of the night, but no big mistakes, so no complaints.

M - Logan Pause - 6: As usual, played a quiet role as a defensive midfielder. Nothing flashy, but the Galaxy attack was stymied and did little in the way of coming down the midle where Pause was located.

M - Diego Gutierrez - 7: Ejected for two yellow cards in the 89th minute, but left to a standing ovation for doing exactly what he always does - playing the role of the steady holding midfielder helping to control things in the center both offensively and defensively. Played without his partner in crime, Chris Armas, which made his work on this night that much more important.

M - Justin Mapp - 7: It can be argued that, on this night at least, Mapp was a better attacking midfielder than Donovan. His crosses were heavily involved in the Fire's first two goals. Mapp always looks dangerous when playing in the center just behind the forwards, as he did last night - and much better than when he plays on the flanks.

M - Ivan Guerrero - 6: Did his usual steady job on the left side of midfield. Rarely lost the ball and kept the Fire's attack in motion when called upon on the left flank. (He also had to deal with the annoying antics of Santino Quaranta for much of the night. For the record, I can see now why Santana played his way out of DC and why he hasn't been seen with the national team since the 2005 Gold Cup. He spent much of his energy jawing at the crowd and generally displaying a glaring lack of maturity. Which is a shame. He has some talent.)

Andy Herron - 7: His goal was a beauty and he was involved in several other near-misses and other various Fire buildups. Has scored in three straight games now and, as always, looks like the Fire's most dangerous option up top.

F - Chris Rolfe - 6: Relatively quiet, but found himself in the center of a handful of attractive Fire buildups. Seemed to drop back in the second half at times almost into a midfield role.

Substitutes
D - Dasan Robinson - 6: Came on as an added fourth defender in the 82nd minute and helped prevent the Galaxy from scoring the equalizer until Thiago sealed things.

M - Thiago - 6: Came on in the 85th minute and scored only three minutes later, though Sanneh did most of the heavy lifting on the goal.

D - Jim Curtin - Incomplete: Came on in injurty time so was never involved in the action, but it was nice to see his floppy red hair out there for the final minute or so.

Can We Please Stop Paying Attention to This Guy's Garbage?

2006-09-28T08:13:00.000-07:00

"Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!"

A suicide attempt? Really? Is this the latest ridiculous Terrell Owens circus we are being forced to stomach? (Pun intended.)

This reeks of TO, the king of insecurity, desiring attention. I agree with ESPN Radio's Mike Greenburg this morning who wondered why, if it was a suicide attempt on Tuesday, TO would be back at practice on Wednesday. It's all more TO garbage. He's a broad/primadonna and probably loved being wheeled into that hospital knowing the bright lights would be right behind. He needs something now that he apparently can't catch the ball anymore or stay on the field. Ooooh, I took too many pills. Ooooh, I can't respond to my publicist. Ooooh, look at me, look at me.

Bullshit from a broad. I've seen worse acting on a soap opera.

Look, any dude who is as frightened to stretch out for the ball over the middle as TO is clearly doesn't have the balls to do himself in.

That said, I'd worry about TO once his career is over and nobody gives a shit about him anymore. He really is quite pathetic and only the media buying into his tripe in the meanwhile fills that gaping hole that obviously engulfs his hyper-sensitive soul. When the crickets come calling - and that isn't far away now - who knows what he might pull.

By the way, I still have TO on my fantasy team so his boring ass better stay alive and healthy.

At Home Now and Forever

2006-09-26T13:59:00.000-07:00

I'm going to lay off of writing any flowery praise for all of the beauty around last night's Saints-Falcons game in the Superdome. That's been overdone in the last few day's like nobody's business. Sure, it was awesome to finally see some joy coming from down in New Orleans after we have been hit mercilessly for the last year with photos and news of disaster and suffering following Hurricane Katrina. It was a feel-good night all around, especially with the Saints winning in a rout. No doubt. But there really isn't anything I can say that hasn't been said already. Overkill is clearly not a concept people in the media understand (as if we didn't already know this.) Good Lord...Mike Tirico, Tony Kornheiser, and Joe Theisman were driving me crazy last night with their endless blabbering about the situation. Yeah, football back in the Superdome was a major storyline, but they were already repeating themselves for the umpteenth time by late in the first quarter. They beat that horse until there was no more horse carcass to beat. It disappeared into dust - and then they kicked the dust. And then they killed another horse so they could beat that horse carcass, too. Fuck. I had to shut the game off early in the third quarter. (Well, the fact that I bet on the Falcons to win and cover four points wasn't helping my inability to enjoy the game, either. But still.)

So all I will say is that it was a joy to see so many smiling faces down on the bayou and leave it at that.

I will, however, use this opportunity to say that I hope that all of this means we will stop hearing the constant rumors of the Saints leaving New Orleans, most likely for Los Angeles. Oh, this rumor has refused to die for years. It's been floating around since long, long before Katrina ever swept through town. Tom Benson was well known for being an asshole looking to pick up the team and leave, and everytime someone spoke of a NFL franchise moving to Los Angeles, the Saints were usually the first team mentioned.

This always pissed me off. For as long as I can remember, Saints fans have always been great, as diehard as anyone. I can't recall ever watching a Saints game in the Superdome with anything less than a packed house, or at least close to it, and that includes many forgettable seasons for one of the league's least successful franchises. The Saints were usuaully the only major sports team in town and, no matter how bad they were, the city was clearly in love with them. Always.

No, the NFL could never, ever use the excuse of poor fan support in an attempt to move the team. If the Saints were to ever be moved elsewhere, it would be an utter injustice and a kick in the face to a city full of fans who have supported the team through thick and (mostly) thin.

So as I watched last night I wanted to believe that if Hurricane Katrina taught us one thing (at least as far as football is concerned as I hope it taught us many things), let it be that the Saints are an integral part of the city of New Orleans and should never be moved anywhere, no matter what sort of disaster strikes, no matter how greedy and slimy Benson is.

OK?

What's Up, America?

2006-09-26T09:51:00.000-07:00

I can't pinpoint exactly when it happened, but at some point in time, apparently, American sports have become the equivalent of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays on the global stage. OK, maybe that's an exagerration, but what's going on here? We're awful.

Sure, we've already laugued at/cried over the struggles of our basketball, baseball, soccer, and hockey teams in recent times. That's old news. But this past week we may have hit a new low. In a mere matter of days, the following happened:

- Our golfers lost the Ryder Cup to the Europeans. Again. The most excitement the Americans stirred up was probably Tiger Woods taking exception to pics of his wife displayed in a magazine.

- The women's basketball team, which always seemed to do us proud while our men embarrassed themselves, fell to Russia in the semifinals of the world championships. The only good thing was that I recently switched to DirectTV (which gets the NBA channel) and I actually caught a few minutes of this game. (Don't laugh at me.) Anyway, Russia has some hoop hotties, which made the loss bearable, although Australia has the best idea with their one-piece, tight spandex uniforms. Even if you would never dare watch women's basketball, do yourself a favor and catch a few minutes of an Australia game. Those unis, my friends, are a stroke of genius. When will the rest of the women's basketball world catch on? (The Aussies won the gold medal, by the way, so maybe there's something to the unis.)

- Andy Roddick lost a fifth set marathon to some Russian dude I had never heard of as our men tennis team dropped out of the Davis Cup. Man, Russia must be living it up at our expense this week, eh? Too bad John McEnroe isn't the Davis Cup coach anymore. I mean, maybe we would have at least seen a priceless McEnroe meltdown.

Yup, apparently, we stink at most everything these days. Maybe it's about time we create a new sport or two that we could dominate. That's why we made snowboarding an official Olympic sport, right?

Primadonovan

2006-09-26T09:28:00.000-07:00

With the Fire and Galaxy getting set to clash in the final of the U.S. Open Cup on Wednesday night I figure this is as good a time as any to make fun of Landon Donovan. But then, when isn't it a good time to make fun of Donovan? You may think that's mean-spirited or unecessarily cruel, but hey, look at this way: At least if Donovan is being made fun of, it's sort of humorous. And if we couldn't look at Donovan in a humorous light, well, we'd be reduced to downright bashing the guy. Everybody else does.

I mean, I could go on yet another tirade defining Donovan as all that is wrong with the U.S. national team. (He is. Do you honestly want to build a team around a dude who disappears in the big games faster than Matt Millen screwing up a draft pick? Good luck with that.) Or I could argue that he is the most overrated American soccer player ever. (It pains me to think that he's probably the most recognizable American soccer player to the average, non-soccer following American sports fan. Ugh.) Or I could ridicule him for refusing to man up and play in Europe, choosing instead to hang out on the sunny beaches of Cali wasting away his prime years in MLS. (Reason 1A his role on the national team should be severely reduced.) Or I could poke fun at his shiny, prematurely balding dome or his embarrassingly high-pitched munchkin voice. (Always makes me chuckle.)

No, instead of the mean-spirited stuff I'll simply leave you with this funny pic and a smile. (Oh, and here's hoping the Fire runs him over tomorrow night.)

Are the Bears for Real?

2006-09-25T15:06:00.000-07:00

So I talked to my brother on the phone today. He's a native Chicagoan but lives in Seattle these days. I mentioned to him that the Bears-Seahawks game coming up this weekend is huge. Two undefeated teams. Early NFC supremacy on the line. The Sunday night showcase game with all of the country watching. Huge.

So my bro - who is still a Bears fan, by the way, but has developed a soft spot for Seattle teams - says something about how he thinks the Bears might suffer the same fate as the Giants did on Sunday against the Seahawks. You know, the Giants were also a supposed contender in the NFC before venturing into the Northwest and finding themselves on the wrong end of a 42-3 scoreline before making it more respectable late in the game. My bro says he can see the same thing happening to the Bears.

I paused for a moment. "Are you serious?" I asked him. I honestly thought he was joking. I thought that sweet Vancouver ganja was making its way down the West Coast and into my bro's brain. I thought he was just trying to get me riled up by razzing on Da Beloved. But he wasn't joking. He was dead serious. It quickly became obvious that he has little to no faith in the Bears. Blasphemer!

I suppose, though, that the less than complimentary opinion of my bro isn't all that rare outside of Chicagoland where the blue and orange faithful are becoming absolutely giddy with optimism. I suppose there are plenty of impartial NFL observers out there who feel that the Bears aren't the real deal, that once they venture out of the weak NFC North - on which they have fattened up on in starting the season 3-0 - they'll be exposed as frauds. Good defense, no offense, they must be saying. Or maybe they're muttering something about Rex Grossman getting injured soon or lacking experience. No, simply by reading and/or watching the national sports news outlets, I don't really get the sense that the media (and fans) puts too much stock in the Bears just yet.

Should they?

Well, yesterday's come-from-behind 19-16 win in Minnesota was a step in the right direction if respect is what the Bears seek. The Vikes were 2-0 and are always - always - tough in the Metrodome. Good teams do exactly what the Bears did yesterday: good teams overcome deficits in noisy places where the opposing fans would like nothing more than broken legs and crushed fingers for the visitors. And often, they win even when they don't play their best.

And let there be no mistake about it - the Bears did not play their best against Minnesota. To wit:

- Despite the late touchdown pass to Rashied Davis, Grossman was borderline awful. Two interceptions - including one returned for a TD on a play in which it looked like Grossman was giving Antoine Winfield the ball - were only the beginning. The Vikes dropped several others. Grossman's decision-making still has plenty of room for improvement.

- Where's the running game? Thomas Jones is extremely lacksadaisical and uninspiring, making me wonder if his solid 2005 season was merely a mirage and he's settling back into the form of early in his career when he was labeled a first round bust while with the Cards and Bucs. Meanwhile, Cedric Benson didn't hit the field yesterday. Not even once. Not even as a decoy. Come on now. The dude was the fourth overall pick. He's healthy. Give him a chance.

- The tackling was arguably the worst I've ever seen by a Bears team, and I don't think I'm exaggerating. Wrap a mutha up! You know, we always hear about how the staple of a Lovie defense is turnovers. They don't want to simply tackle an opponent, they want to strip the ball. And that's awesome and everything. Really, it is. But sometimes I get the feeling that Bears defenders are so preoccupied with stripping the ball that they forget to simply bring a runner down - and then that runner runs for several more yards. It happens way too often. Fundamentals, people, fundamentals.

- Lovie Smith remains awful in the review department, going 0-for-2 yesterday. So yet again I'll ask: Do the Bears have someone upstairs watching on a TV and communicating with Lovie in these situations? Please tell me they do. I'm assuming every NFL team is smart enough to do this. But you wouldn't know it by the way the Bears continually blow reviews on replay disputes that are seemingly obvious. It's reached the point of being maddening.

All in all, though, it was a great win. It was the sort of win a team must earn to take the next step, to learn how to deal with hostile environments, to overcome mistakes and poor decisions, to earn respect from a nation that, perhaps, might not be ready to give it just yet.

But there's only one way to earn respect for sure and that's to beat up on the defending NFC champs this coming Sunday under the lights with a national television audience watching.

Yeah, that'll make them come around.

Here we go now.

Still Hot, Officially in the Playoffs

2006-09-25T06:22:00.000-07:00

It wasn't like there was any doubt that they would, but the Fire clinched a playoff spot on Saturday night with a 2-1 win over the Los Angeles Galaxy. (Of course they did; nearly everyone makes the playoffs in MLS - more on that later.) More importantly, the Fire remained scorching hot, winning for the tenth time in the last twelve games (with a tie mixed in there as well.) With only four games left until the playoffs begin, hopefully the Fire continues to peak at just the right time.

Chris Rolfe calmly tapped in a handy, low cross from Justin Mapp to put the Fire up 1-0 only 38 seconds into the game and proved yet again that if he could only stay healthy he could be a good one. After Landon Donovan had tied the affair in the 78th minute, Andy Herron put the Fire ahead for good only six minutes later by being being taken down hard by LA's Tyrone Marshall and then converting the ensuing penalty kick.

The win was a nice first act for the Fire, who will play the same Galaxy team on Wednesday in the final of the U.S. Open Cup.

A Pig's Pigskin Picks

2006-09-24T07:56:00.000-07:00

Week Three

Jets at Bills
Straight-up: Bills
Spread: Jets +5.5

Bengals at Steelers
Straight-up: Bengals
Spread: Bengals +1

Jaguars at Colts
Straight-up: Colts
Spread: Colts -6.5

Titans at Dolphins
Straight-up: Dolphins
Spread: Titans +10.5

Redskins at Texans
Straight-up: Redskins
Spread: Redskins -4

Bears at Vikings
Straight-up: Bears
Spread: Bears -4

Panthers at Bucs
Straight-up: Panthers
Spread: Panthers -3

Packers +7 at Lions
Straight-up: Lions
Spread: Packers +7

Ravens at Browns
Straight-up: Ravens
Spread: Ravens -7

Rams at Cardinals
Straight-up: Cardinals
Spread: Rams +4.5

Giants at Seahawks
Straight-up: Giants
Spread: Giants +3.5

Eagles at 49ers
Straight-up: Eagles
Spread: Eagles -6

Broncos at Patriots
Straight-up: Patriots
Spread: Patriots -6.5

Falcons at Saints
Straight-up: Falcons
Spread: Falcons -3.5

Straight-up
Last week: 12-4
Season: 12-4

Against the spread
Last week: 8-8
Season: 8-8

Random Image Department

2006-09-20T11:41:00.000-07:00

Racist or hilarious?

Would you hit it? How 'bout drunk?

A full-scale model of "Lucy," the celebrated skeletal remains of a female hominid who lived 3.2 million years ago, is seen at a prehistoric museum in Bidon, France.

Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez railing, as usual, against the United States at the United Nations on Wednesday. Does it look like the lady behind him is laughing?

Venezuela's President Hugo Chavez holds up a Spanish language version of Hegemony or Survival: America's Quest for Global Dominance by Noam Chomsky as he addresses the 61st session of the United Nations General Assembly at U.N. Headquarters on Wednesday, Sept. 20, 2006.

Hurricane Gordon as seen from the Space Shuttle Atlantis on Sunday...

Alex Rodriguez Just Doesn't Get It

2006-09-20T10:26:00.000-07:00

No wonder so many people, even his own team's fans, dislike Alex Rodriguez. Dude is a pompous dickhead of the highest order. Listen to him completely miss the big picture...

"Mussina doesn't get hammered at all. He's making a boatload of money. Giambi's making [$20.4 million], which is fine and dandy, but it seems those guys get a pass. When people write [bad things] about me, I don't know if it's [because] I'm good-looking, I'm biracial, I make the most money, I play on the most popular team...." - A-Fraud

I don't know what's worse - A-Rod bringing his teammates into the mess of his own making, or A-Rod calling himself good-looking. Dude is a phony and completely into himself.

Maybe the Unknown Column can help out A-Rod here. I'll give it a shot: The reason people don't like the guy is because he sold out a winning Mariners team to become unecessarily rich with lowly Texas. When he realized that his very contract was proving to be an albatross to the Rangers ever winning (well, that and the fact that he's no leader no matter how good his numbers are), he weaseled his way into New York where winning comes a bit easier. And ever since then he's tried to pass himself off as a true Yankee when all he really is is an imposter, a hired gun, a dude along for the ride that the likes of Joe Torre, Derek Jeter, and Jorge Posada lead. He's a follower.

Look, Alex Rodriguez is a sellout and a phony and he crawled to New York to take the easy way out rather than winning on his own. The saddest part is that he came into the league with a Seattle team that was damn near close to a title...and he ditched that team.

And that is why people don't like him.

I will now go plead with the baseball Gods to please, please, please allow anyone but the Yankees to win the World Series. There is no way I could stomach watching A-Rod "earn" a cheap ring. Fuck that.

Pics of Wags are Always Welcome

2006-09-20T10:13:00.000-07:00

Wags (ie, footballer's wives and girlfriends). Someone is ranking them and, more importantly, supplying pics. Go, enjoy.

Part of the Deal

2006-09-20T09:51:00.000-07:00

Tiger Woods is upset that a Dublin magazine has printed photos of a topless woman that it erroneously identified as his wife, the lovely Elin Nordegren.

This leads me to two questions:

1) Where can I get my hands on this mag here in the States?

2) Does Woods really have a reason to be upset?

Well, I suppose that, yes, he has a reason to be upset. No dude wants to see his wife spread out in all her glory on glossy magazine pages for all the world to see, except for maybe Hugh Hefner. However, I don't really know what Woods expects. He married a woman that is magnificently gorgeous and who posed for plenty of pics before they even met. We live in an age when it is damn near impossible for any exceptionally attractive woman not to find herself plastered all over the Internet for men everywhere to ooh and aah at - especially when that woman is married to a world famous athlete.

Bottom line? If Woods thinks his wife hasn't already been thoroughly examined from head to toe by by millions of Web-surfing dudes all over the globe, he's crazy. This Dublim mag only added a drop in the bucket.

God Has No Army, Fool

2006-09-19T10:56:00.000-07:00

This genuinely scares me. Honestly. American children are being "groomed to be soldiers in God's army" by Christian religious freaks. As if "God" and "army" are two words that should ever be in the same sentence unless that sentence is something like, "God frowns upon those who use His name to build an army." This all seems to be yet another step on the path an ultimate Holy War. These people are no better than the Muslims who teach their children to hate through religion as soon as they're able to comprehend words. Fools, all of them.

This can't end well.

Has Roethlisberger Sold His Soul?

2006-09-19T08:34:00.000-07:00

Did Ben Roethlisberger sell his soul in exchange for the chance to sit atop the world at such a young age? Did he make a pact with the devil? Am I crazy for wondering about this?

Roethlisberger encountered success, and lots of it, faster than most athletes would ever even dream of attaining it. Fortunate enough to be drafted into a team that was already an annual contender rather than a rebuilding situation, he led the Steelers to a 15-1 record as a rookie and followed that up with a Super Bowl win last year. Off the field, he scored golfing goddess Natalie Gulbis and only God knows how many other random hotties, which is all the more amazing when you consider - and let's be honest here - he is not an extraordinarily handsome man. He even has a Fathead likeness of himself and we all know you haven't truly made it as a professional athlete until you have your own Fathead.*

Suddenly, however, Big Ben has encountered an ongoing rash of bad luck faster than a Muslim gets offended. There was the infamous crash on his motorcycle that almost took his life. There was the appendectomy. There was the bad thumb. Last night, as he was finally about to play his first meaningful game since the Super Bowl, he caught a fever that, at least according to ESPN, reached 104 degrees. (Um, wouldn't that leave him almost dead?) And how did last night's game go? Roethlisberger and the Steelers were manhandled and shutout by the Jaguars, 9-0.

Point is, if I'm Roethlisberger, I'm keeping my eyes peeled for black cats, ladders, and falling pianos. The universe seems to have turned on him in a bad way. Things really couldn't be going much worse for him, could they? In fact, it's reached the point of being downright odd and eery.

So, did Roethlisberger sell his soul for all of the rapid success he experienced? And is he now in the process of paying it all back?

Listen, we all know that the Steelers beat the Seahawks in the Super Bowl courtesy of several calls that were...questionable. I won't say the calls were blatantly bad, or that the Seahawks were outright jobbed, but I will say that the Steelers should consider themselves very lucky. I still think they were the better team, but it's a shame that we'll never know how that game would have went had the referees not become such a negative and influential factor. Someone - the refs? the NFL? the football gods? the universe? - was definitely looking out for the Steelers on that day.

Perhaps it was all part of Big Ben's deal.

Sure, this all sounds absurd. But something almost otherwordly is going on here and if I'm Roethlisberger or a Steelers fan, I'm very concerned. I'm wondering real hard what exactly is going on and I'm wondering real hard where it all ends - or if it ends at all.

Me? I sense bad things in Steel City this season. When is the Devil satisfied? When does he feel one's debt has been paid? I fear Big Ben is about to find out.

(* You've seen the Fathead commercials, right? The lifesize stickers of pro athletes that can be hung on your wall? Well, a buddy of mine is a teacher at Mount Carmel High School deep on the South Side of Chicago. If you're unfamiliar with the school, it's a monumental football power here in Illinois, routinely winning state titles and coming close when it doesn't. The Caravan (as they're called) is also routinely ranked nationally and even played in a game that was televised on ESPN a couple of weeks ago. They routed fellow powerhouse Providence 30-8. The school has produced several NFL players, most notably Donovan McNabb and Simeon Rice. Anyway, my teaching buddy was contemplating purchasing a Fathead of McNabb to hang in his classroom, which is a sensible idea. After all, McNabb has been a huge success on the field and has carried himself with class off of it. You know, let the kids know he came from the same place they do. Give them something to aspire to, right? So my buddy went online to check out the price. Do you know how much those things cost? $100. No shit. One. Hundred. Dollars. What in the name of all that is holy is that about? Aren't those things essentially just big stickers? Ridiculous. For $100 I'd expect the player to personally come hang that sticker on my wall.)

I'm Assuming...

2006-09-18T22:32:00.000-07:00

...this is from Japanese television because Japanese television always has the craziest shit.

Japan TV Dude #1: "You know what would be funny?"
Japan TV Dude #2: "What?"
Japan TV Dude #1: "Let's get a couple of bear cubs, put them in shirts and boxing gloves and have them beat the crap out of each other."
Japan TV Dude #2: (Thinking for a moment.)
Japan TV Dude #2: "I'll get the camera!"

Put a Fork in Them

2006-09-18T21:20:00.000-07:00

It's over. It's all over. Put a fork in the White Sox because they're done.

Tonight's sad 8-2 loss to the Tiggers was the proverbial final nail in the coffin. Ozzie and Kenny Williams can begin thinking of what moves they'll be making in the offseason because this team needs a major shakeup. I'll stop short of saying a complete blow up is necessary, but there are some dudes who need to be gone.

Listen, I can stomach not making the playoffs. The Twins are consistently one of the smartest, most successful franchises in baseball and the Tiggers have a good thing going with a fantastic young pitching staff and a wise old general in Jim Leyland. The Sox were beat out by good, solid baseball teams and I can handle that.

What I can't stomach is the shocking lack of fire displayed by this team. There was never any sense of urgency no matter how late into the season it got. There was never any inclination that they were going to go down with a helluva fight. Hell, there was never even a look of panic in their eyes, which would have at least been something - and much better than the depressing, lacksadaisical, carefee manner with which this team carried itself with. Yes, the worst part was the blank stares, the empty faces, the looks of utter nothingness. They were like walking dead.

Lifeless. Depressing. I've seen more spunk in a morgue. I think some wide-eyed, anxious youth is needed next year in the dugout because these guys had me contemplating things while looking at bottles of pills and ropes and razors. Sylvia Plath had nothing on this group of joyless, melancholy losers.

It has all been pathetic. No stealing bases. No hustle. No nothing. Just one guy swinging for the fences after another. What happened to so-called Ozzieball? What happened to manufacturing runs?

I suppose we shouldn't be surprised. The 2006 season is eerily similar to what the Sox have done for most of the decade. They finished in second place in 2002, 2003, and 2004. In each of those years they were in the race and had a chance to make a run in the second half and each time they went down with the same depressing fade as they did this year. Look, 2006 is much more in line with recent Sox history than the glory 0f 2005.

How ironic is it that a day after Frank Thomas finished putting a whole bunch of nails in the Sox's coffin over the weekend, Magglio Ordonez hit a home run that put the Tiggers up 4-0? The ghosts of the Sox's recent past are out and about. Ozzie and Williams must be thoroughly embarrassed. Of course, until Big Frank or Maggs have a World Series ring, the Sox will always have the last laugh, but still, for the moment at least, they've made the Sox look like chumps.

All I know is this: Ozzie and Williams better stack next year's pitching staff like a mofo. Pitching, pitching, pitching.

Pitching.

Pitching.

Right Back On Track

2006-09-18T10:37:00.000-07:00

After having its nine-game unbeaten streak briefly halted in Colorado, the Fire got right back on track with a 1-0 win over DC United in a match that was marred by both rain and questionable (dirty?) play from DC. Andy Herron's goal in the 61st minute - which was set up beautifully by a Brian Plotkin pass - was all the Fire needed. That and the petulance of DC, which resulted in them finishing the game with only nine men. That always helps.

Yup, by the time this one finished, DC was missing two dudes, courtesy of two yellow cards for Bryan Namoff and a horrible tackle on Thiago by Joshua Gros, which appropriately earned Gros a straight red card. It was also Thiago who was taken down by D.C.'s Facundo Erpen in the U.S. Open Cup semifinals only 11 days ago - an ugly, dirty tackle that led to both Erpen and a retaliating Chris Armas being ejected. What does DC have against Thiago? And is this the type of play Peter Nowak encourages? I realize Nowak is a Fire legend and probably my all-time favorite Fire player, but I gotta say, I'm not real impressed with the way his players handle themselves, especially late in a game when they're behind. I'll stop short of calling DC a dirty team, but some of their tackles are borderline heinous. And when a team plays that way while trailing, well, it doesn't look good. It looks sort of petty.

Bottom line? This rivalry could eventually explode. This is the second time in a week and a half that a match between the two sides has ended with dudes being taken out by tackles of ill intent and red cards fying. And with the two teams pulling away atop the Eastern Conference standings, they could very well meet again in the playoffs. That should be interesting, eh?

It was also a day that saw the 1981 Chicago Sting honored for winning the NASL championship, which at the time, was a big deal in Chicago. You see, it was the first title by a Chicago team since the 1963 Bears. So soccer enthusiasts or not, desperate Chicago sports fans were willing to embrace that team. And that team has yet to be forgotten.

Yes, I realize this is a pic of the 1982 team, but the Internet isn't always as deep as you'd like. And the funny haircuts are still there.

I've always secretly wished that the Sting were somehow incorporated into MLS. You know, as an expansion team or something. It's a pipe dream, I know. Admittedly, the 1981 team was a bit before my time and I don't recall witnessing their title, but I do have hazy recollections of going to Sting games in the old Comiskey Park before NASL folded in 1984. I also watched the Sting play numerous times in the indoor league (MISL) at All State Arena. I have fond memories of those yellow and black jerseys.

When the Unknown Column becomes disgustingly rich, he fully plans on buying an MLS expansion team and bringing back the Sting.

As an aside, I was a tad disappointed that MLS delayed yesterday's game for 25 minutes. Yes, I realize lightning is dangerous and the safety of both the fans and players is first and foremost, but you just don't see soccer games halted elsewhere around the world for weather. Or at least I've never seen it. Never. I've just never seen professional soccer players scamper off a field in the middle of a game because of the conditions. Sure, safety should be considered at all times, and maybe I'm just too old fashioned, but it struck me as being...soft. (Pun intended. "Struck." Get it?)

I was watching the game with two friends, one of whom is not a soccer fan and likes to razz me about being a huge fan of the sport. He's always giving me a hard time, saying soccer is for foreigners and for wusses and that it's boring. It's all in jest, a running joke, and it's been going on for years. But he refuses to budge from his less than complimentary opinion of soccer. Normally, I simply ignore him as he entertains himself with his jokes.

However, yesterday during the delay I actually had to concede that, on this occasion, I agreed with him. I told him I had never seen a pro soccer game delayed because of weather. I wanted him to know that it had nothing to do with the players or the sport of soccer. Hell, if the game was being played in any other part of the world, it would have continued. It was the doing of MLS, not to mention America, which gets softer and fatter by the day. I assured him that we wouldn'r see this anywhere else. My friend just kept laughing and saying that he was right all along - that soccer really was soft. I had to cringe. On this day, he was sort of right.

Ah, hell, maybe I just need to change with the times. If stopping games for lightning is the way things are nowadays, who am I to complain? I guess it's for the best. I just found it odd, especially when you consider that the match was being televised alongside Sunday afternoon NFL games. Suppose there were NFL viewers who were changing channels during commercial breaks and saw a soccer game delayed for rain. What must they have been thinking? Would a (non-preseason) NFL game be delayed for weather? How about an EPL game? Bundesliga? Serie A?

Or let me ask you this: Would the old Chicago Sting delay a game for bad weather? Hell no they would not! And they played in Comiskey Park and Wrigley Field - right there on the swamped-with-rain dirt infields! Of course they would play on! And they liked it! They were real men back then! Where have you gone Karl-Heinz Granitza?

All of that said, I had to chuckle at the crazy fans in Section 8 who continued to proudly wave their gigantic flags during the delay. I wonder if any of those flag poles were made of metal.

Just Like a Dream

2006-09-18T07:59:00.001-07:00

This dream is beautiful. In fact, I never want to wake up. In this dream a Bears quarterback threw for four touchdowns, three of which went to - get this! - tight ends. In this dream the Bears roster is ripe with capable receivers. In this dream the Bears have a return man that is dangerous. In this dream the Bears seem more than capable of being described as - dare I say it? - explosive.

Let me sleep forever.

Yes, the Bears offense is suddenly something beautiful and, no, it's not a dream. It actually happened yesterday. Rex Grossman was a gunslinger and he couldn't miss. Those positive glimpses that were always there in his brief appearances in the past are finally morphing into the big picture. The receivers, meanwhile, were popping up everywhere, finding any available soft spot in the defense and making the grabs. Bernard Berrian, if he isn't careful, is on his way to quietly becoming a star. His diving, all-fingertips touchdown catch was the prettiest Bears score in years. It really was. Tight ends Desmond Clark and John Gilmore combined for three touchdowns and, miraculously, the tight end position no longer looks like an endless black hole.

Special praise has to be saved for offensive coordinator Ron Turner. The last time the Bears had a solid offense - or any offense at all, come to think of it - was the 1995 team that was quarterbacked by Erik Kramer, who set all sorts of club passing records that year. The OC then? Turner. The OC now? Turner. Hmm. And don't I feel stupid. When the Bears rehired him before the 2005 season, I was thoroughly opposed. Yes, I admit it. I figured he had had been out of the NFL for a decade, and in the meantime, had suffered through a less than successful career as the head coach at Illinois. I thought he was damaged goods and that the Bears were desperately reaching into the past.

Well, I was wrong. Very, very wrong. It looks like the position of offensive coordinator is Turner's comfort zone and one he should have never left.

But let's not forget the Bears' bread and butter. As impressive as the offense may look, this team still belongs and will always belong to the defensive crew, which as one would expect, was its usual dominant self, aside for a brief letdown following halftime. (Let's not allow that to happen again, eh?) In fact, it's been a while since I've seen a Bears team compile so many hits that were downright nasty. They were absolutely killing anyone in a Lions uniform. There were a good five or six hits that were almost scary, like someone was going to get seriously hurt. My favorite moment of the day was when Lions WR Furrey took shots on consecutive plays. After the second, he tried to get up but quickly laid back down. He simply collapsed. He'd had enough. He was like a boxer who wants to stand but his body just won't allow it. It was symbolic of the entire day. Unfortunatley, Roy Williams - he of the guaranteed Lions win - was left standing, though he must be feeling pretty foolish this morning, eh?

Dogs after loose meat, baby, dogs after loose meat!

But let me pause for a moment. Here in Chitown, the praise and love of the Bears is abundant everywhere. As it should be. They have looked as impressive as anyone in the first two weeks and there is nothing wrong with pointing this out. However, instead of merely adding to all of the compliments, let's try to keep things in perspective and point out a few things that need to be worked on (Sorry to be a party pooper, but it has to be done):

1) The next two weeks will be road trips to Minnesota and Seattle. No more pickinng on NFL bottom feeders like the Packers and Lions. The Vikings are 2-0 with both wins over 2005 playoff teams, while the Seahawks are also 2-0 and defending NFC champs. These will be tough tests, indeed. The ride really begins now.

2) As nice as it is to see the passing game for once not look like the running game's weak sister, I'd like to see a bit more production out of Thomas Jones and Cedric Benson. Yes, they both showed a few promising flashes, but in the end, TJones averaged only 3.0 yards per carry. Hopefully, as they continue to recover from their preseason injuries, the pair become the scariest 1-2 combo of running backs in the league. I think this more than possible. I really do. I want these dudes running over, around, through people. Seven yards at a time, baby, seven yards at time. Eight!

3) Lovie Smith and his staff must improve in the replay department as they were horribly wrong on two occasions. One was a hit - and this was a hit, baby! - by Jerome Williams on a special teams play that resulted in Lions fumble and a Bears recovery - but Williams was flagged for a bad hit. But the hit was clean. (Listen, Williams almost too the dude's head off.) The FOX announcers were all over it and imploring Lovie to throw the flag as it was a reviewable play. The Bears have someone somewhere watching this stuff on the telly and communicating with Lovie, right? It was a no-brainer, a challenge the Bears almost surely would have won undeniably. But Lovie never threw the flag. Then in the second half, Lovie did throw the replay flag on a play in which there was clearly not enough evidence to reverse the call. He lost. Bottom line? Lovie and his staff were a glaring 0-for-2 in the replay department. Luckily, it didn't matter in this blowout, but such a play could prove huge in a closer, possibly bigger, game down the line.

4) Where's Mark Bradley? As awesome and the wideouts have been, they could be so much better if Bradley gets involved. Remember, Bradley was really coming on last year before his injury and entered training camp as the favorite to start alongside Muhsin Muhammad. But he's been mostly unseen. If Bradley can get on track, Grossman has one more toy to work with.

5) Grossman's interceptions. Granted, when Boss Bailey intercepted Grossman and ran it back for a touchdown, it was negated by a Lions penalty. Still, it was an ugly throw, and if not for yet another dumb flag on the Lions, that TD would have made the score 24-14 and completely changed the complexion of the game. Grossman, as good as he has looked, still has plenty of room for improvement.

OK, I'm done with the bad stuff. I just wanted to get it off my chest. I will now return to basking in the glow of the Bears great start.

Punch to the Gut

2006-09-18T06:03:00.000-07:00

If you're a White Sox fan, well, on this fine Monday morning (actually its suitably gray and dreary) you're trying to slowly stand up straight and catch your breath following the tremendous punch to the gut you took this weekend. That hurt. That hurt bad.

The Sox went into Oakland and were swept. Now, Oakland has traditionally been a house of horrors for the Sox. It always is. Ask any knowledgable Sox fan what road trip annually causes the most strife and struggles for the team and they will immediately respond with San Francisco's ugly sister, most likely before you can even finish getting the question out. The Sox just can't win there and the losses usually involve some weird and/or appalling circumstances.

So it was no surprise that if there was any city that could prove to be the tipping point (in the wrong direction) for the Sox in their struggle to reach the playoffs, it could very well be Oakland and it could very well be this past weekend. But to make matters worse, it was Frank Thomas, he who was cast aside and mocked by the Sox, who went nutty sticking nails in the Sox coffin. Whether or not that included the final nail remains to be seen.

Yes, Big Frank must be laughing hard today. After being tossed aside by the Sox, seemingly done, and subjected to some extremely harsh criticism from GM Kenny Williams, Thomas must feel like, now that the dust is settling, he has won. On Saturday it was his four RBIs that doomed the Sox and yesterday it was his three-run homer that put the A's ahead for good. To be fair, Saturday's Sox loss was largely the result of a horrendously awful bullpen (AWFUL!) and yesterday Jose Contreras was so nice as to practically groove a pitch to Thomas on a full count when putting the big guy on base should have been obvious to even the most novice of Little Leaguers. Let's not praise Thomas' achievements too much without first pointing out that the Sox doomed themselves just as they have done too many times this season.

But still, it was huge weekend for Big Frank. The A's are in cruise control awaiting the postseason and, to top all that, he was able to bend the Sox over, lube up, and give it to the club who so offended him, though to be fair, nobody gets offended easier than Big Frank.

Of course, the Thomas all Sox fans know and love/hate was still evident. At one point in the series, after moving a runner over on a broken bat groundout, his teammates came over to him in the dugout to congratulate him for getting the job done. How did Thomas react? He was visibly ticked off that he wasn't able to pad his stats.

Yup. Same old Frank. Still a big selfish baby. Me, me, me.

But with, oh, such a tremendous bat. Damn, the guy could always hit and still can. Right now this very instant, as we speak, RIGHT NOW, I'd say he's as scary standing at the plate as anyone in baseball. And I mean anyone. Think about it. Williams, Ozzie, and Jerry Reinsdorf must be feeling foolish and embarrassed this morning.

As for the White Sox, they're like that knight that gets his assed whupped by King Arthur in Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail. You know the guy. The knight who gets his limbs chopped off one by one. (My favorite scene, by the way.) The Sox, at this point, are missing both arms and a leg. They're hopping around foolishly on their remaining leg trying to catch up to the Twinkies and Tiggers. They're five games out in the AL Central and four out in the Wild Card. It's not dark yet, but it's getting there.

Black Knight (ie, White Sox): Have at you!
Arthur (ie, Twins/Tiggers): You are indeed brave, sir knight, but the fight is mine.
Black Knight: Oh, had enough eh?
Arthur: Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left!
Black Knight: Yes I have.
Arthur: Look!
Black Knight: Just a flesh wound!

If there is any hope it's that the Tiggers are in town starting today for a three game series, followed by the Mariners. Listen, the Sox need to sweep these six games. Have to. There is no more time for fooling around or waiting for things to click, as we have been told a million and one times they eventually will. It's all meaningless words at this point. It hasn't happened. If the Sox are going to make a stand it has to be right now. This week. To be fair, the starting pitching has more than held up it's share. They've been superb. Unfortunately, the bullpen has been incompetent, not to mention Ozzie's handling of it. Maybe the starters have to go 8 innings? More?

Whatever. Just win, baby.

Sweep the Tiggers. Just sweep them. Then go from there.

Here we go now.

Why is Religion Good Again?

2006-09-16T10:46:00.000-07:00

Oh, splendid.

Pope Benedict XVI, by citing some ancient, medievel text that describes Islam as "evel and inhuman," has spurred the latest Muslim outburst of folly and violence. They're dancing in the streets and destroying things, and if the past is any indication, it could very well get worse before it gets better. Yet again, religion proves to be more touble than it's worth.

NABLUS, West Bank - Two West Bank Christian churches were hit by firebombs early Saturday, and a group claiming responsibility said it was protesting Pope Benedict XVI’s remarks about Islam.

Pakistan’s legislature unanimously condemned Pope Benedict XVI. Lebanon’s top Shiite cleric demanded an apology. And in Turkey, the ruling party likened the pontiff to Hitler and Mussolini and accused him of reviving the mentality of the Crusades.

Across the Islamic world Friday, Benedict’s remarks on Islam and jihad in a speech in Germany unleashed a torrent of rage that many fear could burst into violent protests like those that followed publication of caricatures of the Prophet Muhammad.

By citing an obscure medieval text that characterizes some of the teachings of Islam’s founder as “evil and inhuman,” Benedict inflamed Muslim passions and aggravated fears of a new outbreak of anti-Western
protests.

How dumb is the Pope (if I may be so blasphemous)? Why cite such a thing? Why even look it up? The whole world knows how too many Muslims will react. Like children. We all now this. It's all very predicatble. We've all grown wearily accustomed to their neverending violence. So why even mention it? Why push buttons? Dumb. I don't care if the Pope says he was misunderstood or quoted out of context. Why shake the cage and rile up the animal unecessarily? And no, I'm not calling Muslims animals. I'm simply making an analogy. The Pope has rattled the cage and we all know what that does.

And why half ass it? If the Pope was going to be a funny guy then he should have held up one of the cartoons that caused so much trouble a few months ago. Now that would have been funny. Something like this...

Oh, Be Quiet

2006-09-16T09:57:00.000-07:00

A Pig's Pigskin Picks

2006-09-15T08:42:00.000-07:00

Week Two

Raiders at Ravens: A few years ago I came perilously close to completely losing interest in the NBA. It just got to the point where it seemed like there were way too many guys who were...well...assholes. They dogged it in games, the were always being arrested, they beat up coaches in the locker room, etc. It just seemed like the NBA had become unlikeable. Luckily, it's improved in recent years.

Sadly, I'm starting to sense a bit of it in the NFL these days. Oh, I'm not losing interest or anything - at least not yet - but there is an alarming amount of assholes in the league, and it seems to be getting worse. T.O. is only the tip of the iceberg. It's Steve Foley and the Cincinnati Bengals and anyone who played college ball at West Virginia. And so on and so on. There is far too little class anymore.

The point I'm getting to in a roundabout way is that the Raiders' Jerry Porter is rocketing to the top of the list of NFL assholes. First, he doesn't want to play for the Raiders and criticizes Art Shell. Then he, allegedly, was pumping his fists and laughing as his team was pummelled on Monday night by the Bolts. Then he denied that charge by saying he wasn't even paying attention to the game.

Look, kick this fucker out of the league. Now. And anyone like him.

Oh, and the Raiders are garbage. Ravens in another rout.
Straight up: Ravens
Spread: Ravens -13

Texans at Colts: Peyton Manning is surely anxious to get rolling after being limited to one mere touchdown pass last week. The turf in Indy will look real appealing to him, not mention the Texans lining up opposite him. Granted, the Colts are going to have a hard time stopping the run this year, which will cost them a shot at the Super Bowl. (Again.) Unfortunately for the Texans, they have no running game, at least until Reggie Bush becomes acclimated to their offense. Oh, wait.

Meanwhile, can we please, please, please stop with all the talk of the Colts finally reaching the Super Bowl this year. I can't believe how many people think this is their time. The Colts window has closed, baby. Hell, with Manning there to pull his annual choke job, the window was never really open. It was all a mirage and still is. The Colts are going downhill at this point. Mark my words.
Straight up: Colts
Spread: Colts -13

Browns at Bengals: You know, this should really be a great in-state rivalry game. Too bad.
Straight up: Bengals
Spread: Bengals -10

Bills at Dolphins: I caught a bit of Dick Jauron's press conference following the Bills' loss to New England last week and it all seemed so familiar. Here in Chitown we know all about Jauron's Mr. Nice Guy routine. Not that it's fake. Oh, he's a genuinely nice guy. But as a fan it becomes nauseating to witness, week after week, your coach explain away another loss in a tone that would make Mr. Rogers look scary. I get the feeling that Jauron's wife or daughter could be raped and he'd say something like, "Well, now, this is certainly a bad situation, but we all get sexually frustrated sometimes. I'm sure this guy has some issues, but hopefully, he can deal with them and come back stronger than before. I'm confident this can happen."

One of Life's great mysteries is the Bills' fascination with horrible, yet undeniably handsome, quarterbacks. First it was Rob Johnson. Now it's J.P. Losman. (Admit it, you think they're good-looking dudes, too. It's OK. It doesn't make you gay or anything. OK, maybe a litte - but just a little.) Look, they're the same guy...and that guy stinks. It's as if when a guy looks like a quarterback - and both Johnson and Losman have that Hollywoodesque, handsome QB thing going on - then the Bills are convinced that if they trot the dude out behind center enough times he'll eventually be adequate. Wrong. What the Bills need to do is find the ugliest motherfucker they can and start him. Immediately. Think Steve Buscemi with a decent arm.
Straight up: Dolphins
Spread: Dolphins -6

Lions at Bears: What's the over/under on the number of catches Roy Williams makes this week after guaranteeing a victory? I'm putting it at three and I'm taking the under.

For Rex Grossman, this is great opportunity to show that he's arrived. The Lions defense limited the Seahawks to three field goals last week, which is none too shabby. Let's see what Grossman can do against them.
Straight up: Bears
Spread: Lions +9.5

Panthers at Vikings: For all of the ample talk of the Panthers being the Super Bowl favorite in the NFC, I have a question: Does any team in the league depend offensively on one player as much as the Panthers depend on Steve Smith? I'm not jumping off the Panthers bandwagon. I love me some John Fox and think they'll be there when the dust settles, contending away as usual. But it seems that even when Smith returns to health, if you can stop him (or at least slow him down) then the Panthers suddenly are very ordinary. He's clearly the heart, the pulse, the soul.
Straight up: Vikings
Spread: Vikings -1

Giants at Eagles: After being dragged through the mud by the T.O. disgrace last season, I'm a big fan of the Andy Reid/Donovan McNabb revival in 2006. I was left speechless last year when people - and there were more than a few out there - were actually pointing fingers at Reid and McNabb as if they somehow had anything to do with T.O. being a selfish dickhead. It was unreal. Both Reid and McNabb have been nothing but class acts in the NFL and the willingness of some to forget that and side with T.O., who has been nothing but trouble wherever he has been, was truly baffling. I'm certainly hoping that the Eagles bounce back to their winning ways just so Reid and McNabb can have the last laugh.

Meanwhile, the possibility of Eli Manning falling to 0-2 has me giddy with excitement, not to mention the thought of Archie Manning watching in horror. Please make this happen. The only thing that would make it even better would be if Eli throws a late pick or two to seal the Eagles' win. And I bet that's how it actually goes down - just as it usually does with the Mannings. I can't wait.
Straight up: Eagles
Spread: Eagles -3

Bucs at Falcons: Speaking of things that baffle me, I was thoroughly confused by all of the love Chris Simms received in the offseason. Has everyone else been following the same Simms career I have been? Dude has been an underachieving, mediocre quarterback ever since he arrived on the Texas campus as a college freshman. So he had a few solid games in 2005? So what? Look, if Simms is your starting quarterback, you're in big trouble. He's not starter material. He just isn't. Trust me on this. Yeah, I realize this truth might break the heart of Phil Simms, but oh well. His son is mediocre at best, and I'm seeing bad things happening to him in the loud Georgia Dome this weekend. Give it a few weeks and John Gruden will be sorely missing Brian Griese.
Straight up: Falcons
Spread: Falcons -5.5

Saints at Packers: Ugh. The only important question surrounding this dirty diaper of a game is this: If the Pack doesn't win here, might they go 0-16?
Straight up: Saints
Spread: Saints -2

Rams at 49ers: Prediction time: Alex Smith will fail to pass for half of the yards he did last week (288). Just watch.
Straight up: Rams
Spread: Rams -3

Cardinals at Seahawks: Supposedly, this is the year the Cardinals finally turn their fortunes around. They have a new stadium, Edgerrin James, a stellar stable of receivers, and football's Golden Boy, Matt Leinart. Well, if it's going to happen then this is a huge game for 'Zona. Going into Seattle and playing tough against the division heavweight would go a long way in establishing their validity.

However, I don't have much condfidence in a Cards defense that gave up 27 points to Alex Smith and the Niners, especially when the Seahawks are returning home and looking to shake off the doldrums they experienced last week in Motown.
Straight up: Seahawks
Spread: Cardinals +7

Patriots at Jets: Interesting timing for this game considering the Pats have just accused the Jets of tampering following the Deion Branch debacle.

Does anyone else feel like the Pats are messing with karma? They've always been remarkably cheap, but somehow managed to make it work. How often have we heard the media praise the Pats for their ability to penny pinch their way out of a situation with a vet only to adequately replace him with a cheaper, younger player? Oh, how smart the Patriots are, we've been told and told. But this whole Branch thing strikes me as the Pats foolishly angering the football gods. It seems they're letting their stubbornness get the best of them and letting go their best receiver merely to prove a point that they won't be held hostage by anyone. Will it come back to haunt them? I think so. Yeah, Tom Brady is great, but at some point you have to wonder if he has enough toys to work with, maybe not now, but in January.
Straight up: Patriots
Spread: Jets +6

Titans at Chargers: The Chargers will roll to a 2-0, most likely in comfortable fashion, and still nobody will know exactly how good they are. Beating up on the Raiders and Titans proves little, though it is a fantastic way for Philip Rivers to ease his way into the starter's role at QB and gain a little confidence.

Here's hoping Vince Young sees some action if only because it'll be a lot of fun to watch Shawn Merriman try to run him down. Merriman is a man, baby!
Straight up: Chargers
Spread: Chargers -11.5

Chiefs at Broncos: So how long until the Chiefs sign Jeff George? Good lord, their quarterback position is a mess now that Trent Green is out. It shouldn't be long now before Herm Edwards has a meltdown and we all get to witness an absolutely classic postgame press coference. I'm looking forward to it.

I hate to bore you with my fantasy concerns, but I have a request for Mike Shanahan: Forget Mike Bell! Run Tatum Bell left, Tatum Bell right, and Tatum Bell up the middle! And for the love of all that is holy, give Tatum Bell the ball deep in the red zone! Please! The Unknown Column needs it.
Straight up: Broncos
Spread: Chiefs +10.5

Redskins at Cowboys: Hmm. The Cowboys first home game. A national television audience on a Sunday night. Their biggest rival in town. Yup, this seems like a great time for the inevitable T.O. attack of Drew Bledsoe, no?

One of these coachs, Bill Parcells or Joe Gibbs, is about to fall to 0-2 and begin planning what they'll be doing at this time next year.
Straight up: Cowboys
Spread: Redskins +6

Steelers at Jaguars: Great. We get a Monday night telecast to hear all about Ben Roethlisberger's appendectomy. I'll be sure to have no sharp objects near me so as not to be tempted to plunge something into my ears.
Straight up: Steelers
Spread: Steelers -1.5

Last week
Straight up: 0-0
Against the spread: 0-0

Season
Straight up: 0-0
Against the spread: 0-0

We Need Better Heroes, Real Heroes

2006-09-14T10:59:00.004-07:00

Meathead?

I realize that America is a country where a no-talent dimwit like Paris Hilton is a pop idol and incompetent, cruel men like Bush and Cheney and Rumsfeld get to run things, and continue to run things long after their idiocy has been uncovered for all the world to see. It's all false bullshit. All of it. No, America is not a country of much substance anymore and I shouldn't be surprised at who is deemed heroic or appealing or memorable.

I also realize that Pat Tillmam is a man who is dear to the hearts of many Americans, both liberals and conservatives, both pro-war and anti-war, both sports fans and not. Saying anything negative about the guy is likely to be viewed as blasphemous or unecessarily critical. Let the dead lie, right? Tillman is an American hero, right?

Sure. I understand that. But I don't agree.

I just read the article on Pat Tillman in this week's Sports Illustrated, an article that goes to great lengths to portray Tillman as a courageous man of unbreakable convictions and Pied Piper-like charisma, a man with a brave heart and unflinchable soul, a man the world could use a few more of, a rare man, indeed.

But I was left with the feeling that Tillman wasn't that rare at all. I couldn't help but think that Tillman, despite all of his admirable qualities, was your typical meathead, an over-excitable yahoo ready to blindly jump at an opportunity to fight without thinking clearly or without thinking much at all. Men like this are not rare. Not in the slightest. In fact, men like this have been the curse of mankind and tragically abundant for as long as Man has walked the earth. The History of Man's greatest follies is little more than the sad tales of preposterous, hideous leaders sneaking their way into power and all of the lesser, eager men who follow them. It has always been this way. It always will.

Millions of years and millions of Pat Tillmans and many millions more.

Don't get me wrong. I'm sure Tillman was a nice guy. I'm sure he had a good heart and an open mind. I'm sure his large following of friends and admirers had/have ample reason to adore him. I have little doubt he really was a charismatic soul, the type of man who is easy to follow. Hell, just look at his football career. While at Arizona State - a team that rarely rises above being mildly interesting - he led the Sun Devils to a near-perfect season and within a field goal of a national championship. While in the NFL with the Cardinals - a franchise that can only be described as a joke - he helped lead the team to its only playoff victory in the last 59 years.

So, no, I have little doubt that there truly was something about Tillman special and memorable.

All of that said, the sports world is full of charismatic, dynamic men who lead their teams to heights they would never reach without their vital and compelling presence. Yet Tillman has risen to the status of American folk hero, and for what? For tossing aside a football and asking for a gun to frantically go blow up people on the other side of the world, people he didn't know, people who did nothing to him? For that?

Tillman got all fired up by 9/11 but none of the accused 9/11 suspects were from Afghanistan where Tillman so eagerly ran to with a weapon and a chip on his shoulder. He was told by our conniving, deceitful leaders that there were "bad guys" over there and Tillman fell in line just like any other follower, just like any other man, and said, "Let me fight. I want to fight."

The curse of mankind.

Was there wisdom in this? Was there poise?

According to the SI article, before his death, Tillman was growing frustrated in Afghanistan because he wasn't involved in any actual fighting. He wasn't faced with opportunities to actually fire his gun, to pull the trigger. He was anxious to see how he would react in the madness of battle, which if you ask me, is a pathetically dumb reason to want to engage in battle. There are many ways to test one's courage besides arming oneself and taking human lives.

When he finally did encounter gunfire, he was...well...this is an actual Tillman quote according to the article....

"Follow me! Let's go kill the bad guys!"

Hold on a second.

Follow me?

Let's go kill the bad guys?

This our hero? A man leading other men to war? (I won't even talk about the fact that Tillman's strategic moves in battle on the day of his death were largely viewed as over-anxious and, well, questionable at best.)

This is all laughable. The bad guys? Who exactly were the bad guys? Anyone with brown skin? The people whose lands American bombs were destroying? Who? Did Tillman even know?

There was a story in the article about a time when Tillman was only 17. He was at a pizza parlor and was told that a friend of his was being messed with in the parking lot. Tillman immediately ran out and pummelled the first guy he got his hands on, ultimately landing this person in the hospital with a head injury and sans several of his teeth.

There was only one problem: Tillman had assaulted the wrong guy and was ultimately charged with a felony.

Oops. Just like Afghanistan has proven to be one big "oops."

While reading that passage, I couldn't help but correlate the blind rage Tillman fell victim to on that night with the blind rage that landed him in a desert half a world away with an automatic weapon slung over his shoulder. It was all anger. Blind anger. Crippling his common sense, crushing his patience. Was Tillman really a hero, or was he merely a typical hot-head prone to irrational decisions?

The SI article makes sure to emphasize how saddenend and regretful Tillman was following his assult in that parking lot.

And ten years later he came to realize that the war that Bush and his cronies were selling was all bullshit. Yeah, Tillman was totally against it by the time he was killed.

Bad decisions, both. With heavy consequences, both. So what had he learned in ten years?

Passion should not be confused with recklessness.

Like I said, I'm not trying to trample on the grave of Pat Tillman. I fully believe all of the stories about what a memorable, charismatic soul he was to those who knew him. I believe he thought he was the doing the right thing when he pummelled that guy in the pizza parlor parking lot. I believe he thought he was doing the right thing by volunteering for battle. I believe he was a good guy.

And I think it's awful that nobody knows exactly what happened on the day of his death other than, saddest of all, he was likely killed by friendly fire.

But Pat Tillman wasn't a hero. He was a fuckin' idiot if you ask me. Just another inflammable meathead with a gun, his anger, and blind pride. Just another follower. Men who walk with guns and kill other men because their leaders speak of the "bad guys" are not heroes. And they never will be.

The cover of SI is a shot of Tillman posing on a tree in the desert in his army fatigues with his finger on the trigger of his gun. He's staring into the camera with a look that suggests nothing other than he's just some guy with a gun sitting in a tree in a hot desert thousands of miles from home waiting for someone to shoot at.

Fuckin' meathead. Just another dumb dude.

The curse of mankind.

When You're Famous...

2006-09-14T10:33:00.000-07:00

...you get all of the chicks. All of the chicks. (Timberlake's face in this photo is classic.)

Tonight's Likes

2006-09-14T09:13:00.000-07:00

West Virginia (-16.5) over Maryland. West Virginia, who will hear plenty of criticism about its schedule this year, will be anxious to put on a good showing against Maryland, a solid program from a BCS conference. Pretty soon the Mountaineers will be beating up on Big East bad boys like Cincinnati and Syracuse. (Emphasis on "bad.") It also helps that the game will be nationally televised and the center of plenty of attention on a Thursday night. Plenty of couches will be burned in Morgantown this evening - and all season. He'll be happy.

By the way, the Unknown Column has the Mountaineers playing in the title game this year. Part of this is because they're really good, part is because they have a very manageable schedule. It all adds up.

September record: 3-1

Champions League Underway (In Earnest) Today

2006-09-12T08:49:00.000-07:00

Now that the qualifying stages have come and gone, and all the minnows from fictional countries like Iceland and Cyprus have been cast aside, the Champion's League truly gets underway this afternoon with the start of the group stage.

As I've mentioned before, I honesttly feel that the CL will be huge in America someday - someday soon - so even if you're not a soccer fan by nature, it might be wise to enjoy the ride nonetheless. Just sayin'. It doesn't hurt.

So who will lift the trophy next May? Can Barcelona repeat? (AC Milan was the last repeat champ in 1989 and 1990.) Will one of the traditional big boys from the traditional big leagues win it, as is usually the case? Or will there be a surprise champ a la Porto in 2004?

We shall see. I'm going to take a wild stab and say Real Madrid beats Inter Milan in the final. Cannavaro will give Madrid the leadership and defensive mettle it has lacked the last few years and Inter Milan will reap the benefits of the Italian scandal fallout which landed them Veira and Ibrahimovic.

But my heart will be with Liverpool and Lyon.

Liverpool-PSV Eindhoven and Olympiakos-Valencia should be the best of today's openers.

Is Tiger Un-American?

2006-09-12T07:35:00.000-07:00

So, apparently, some have been questioning Tiger Woods' patriotism after he was spotted sitting with Roger Federer's wife during the U.S. Open Final. I guess with it being the five-year anniversary of 9/11 and all - you did hear it was the five-year anniversary, didn't you? - the foolish yahoos of our nation (of which there are many) are all swept up with beligerent American pride and will question someone for something as silly as their choice of seats during a tennis match.

Tiger should have been cheering for the American, Andy Roddick, right? That would have been the upstanding, patriotic, all-American thing to do, right?

Listen, Tiger can root for anyone he wants to. It was a tennis match, not an arms summit. If Tiger was smart, he would have been in the guest box of that fine, lovely Russian, Maria Sharapova, cheering her on and working on a three-way involving Sharapova, his stunning wife, and him wearing a Communist-era military uniform while smoking a Russian cigar and chilling in a hot tub. Instead, he rooted for Federer, which is no big deal. His decision. It doesn't make him any less American.

That said, I did find Woods' presence in Federer's box to be odd, but for a completely different reason. I was instantly put off by the arrogance of both Woods and Federer, who apparently feel that because they're dominant at their respective sports, they need to, you know, hang out. As if they are the elite and the elite must congregate seperate from the rest of us mere peons.

This is laughable. Granted, the meeting was likely set up by an agent looking for some free Nike promo shots, but the whole notion that two people need to meet because of what they can do with their respective balls just smacks of arrogance - unless we're talking about porn stars, in which case, yes, get them all together and have them demonstrate what they can do with balls.

But whatever. If Tiger and Federer want to be buds and talk about all the titles they've won and all the money they've made, far be it for me to complain. To each his own.

It just amazes me that there are people out there who actually moan about extra, unexpected shots of Elin Nordegren on their television, regardless of the circumstances. If you ask me, that's about as un-American as it gets and these troubled souls are likely terrorists.

Dem's Fightin' Words

2006-09-12T07:29:00.000-07:00

Roy Williams, come on down.

"We will win this game," Lions wide receiver Roy Williams told reporters Monday (of the Lions game at the Bears this weekend.) "You all can take that as a guarantee or whatnot, but we will win this game."

...

When we play the way we're supposed to play, like our defense played the way they played Sunday ... I don't think there's no team in this league that can beat us."

...

It was stupid how close we were to putting 40 points on the board, and it's ridiculous. Offensively, we beat ourselves. No defense can stop us, in my opinion. That's only in my opinion. We are our only defense."

Wow. On the one hand, I almost applaud Williams for his blind optimism. It can't be easy to stay positive when you play for the worst franchise in the NFL. (Yes, even the Cardinals have surpassed the Lions.) Lesser players would succumb to the malaise and allow themselves to simply go through the motions and be swept up in the dark currents of losing, as so many Lions before him have. But not Williams. He's coming out swinging. Good for him.

On the other hand, he's picked a very peculiar time to display his bravado. When you're about to enter the stadium of the team with arguably the best defense in the league - a team coming off a shutout, by the way - maybe you should pick your words a little more carefully. I doubt Brian Urlacher, Lance Briggs, Tommie Harris and the rest of the Bears defense need bulletin board material to get fired up, but Williams' words certainly won't hurt the cause.

Oh, and it would also help your legitimacy if your offense wasn't coming off a game in which it produced a whopping total of two field goals. Just sayin'.

I sense very bad thngs happening to Mr. Williams come Sunday. Very bad things. And I very much look forward to it. I want to see this dude laid...the fuck...out.

Sort of like this fine moment from last year's Bears-Lions game in Soldier Field. (I could watch that all day.)

Tonight's Likes

2006-09-11T10:24:00.000-07:00

Chargers (-3) at Raiders. The Raiders haven't even played their first game yet and Randy Moss is already whining. Shocking, eh? It won't be long until Art Shell wishes he never came back. Oh, and you heard it here first: Philip Rivers is going to be a stud. S-T-U-D. Big time. Just watch. The Unknown Column is picking up all sorts of good vibes from Rivers.

Vikings at Redskins - under 36. Two quarterbacks who were around when the Vikes still played outdoors + a banged up Clnton Portis = not much offense.

September record: 1-1

I Don't Like the Bengals

2006-09-11T09:26:00.000-07:00

As a kid, I always liked the Cincinnati Bengals. Sort of. I had no reason to, really. The Bears were my team, and Bengals games were rarely broadcast here in Chicago, but I thought the Bengals helmets were cool. That's what did it. As soon as I saw those unique tiger-striped helmets as a wee lad, they instantly had a soft spot in my heart. It's not like I actually cared as the Bengals struggled through year after year of ineptitude in the '90s, but I did sort of feel sorry for them. OK, not really, but I would have been OK with them being better.

But that's all changed. Yesterday, as Robert Geathers did his best to permanently injure Trent Green's brain, I realized that, suddenly, I think I hate the Bengals. Marvin Lewis, as quiet and unassuming as he comes off, has assembled a team of thugs, showboats, and criminals. At first, it was sort of funny. All offseason there were plenty of jokes about the numerous Bengals being arrested, which was nice. Chris Henry alone took over the comedic vacuum left by Chris Rock. It was all fun and games.

But beneath the humor lies a team that is based on reckless, thoughtless violence and, quite simply, too many bad people. Lewis readily employs guys like Frostee Rucker (who beats women), Matthias Askew (fights with the fuzz), and AJ Nicholson (steals shit), among others. Granted, the NFL is currently overrun with problems such as these, and the Bengals are far from alone, but Lewis seems to be less the stoic nice guy he portrays himself as and more a shameless shuckster willing to sell his soul and the soul of an entire franchise if it means a few more wins. His nice guy act is appearing increasingly fake these days and beginning to wear thin as he seems to go out of his way to attract dudes with the least character possible provided they can run fast and hit. Remember, it was his Ravens Super Bowl defense that was led by an accused murderer (Ray Lewis). Yeah, Marvin Lewis seems to thrive on finding guys whose very existence has a central and prevalent lifeline of violence, and if that violence runs off the playing field and into their actual lives, well, so be it. There can be no sense of right and wrong where winning is involved, right?

When Geathers made sure to pound Green's head into the turf yesterday, despite Green obviously being on his way down voluntarily, it all seemed symptematic of a team that plays with little to no conscience. And while some may argue that that is exactly what is needed on a football field, there is a difference between playing hard and playing dirty, both on the field and in real life. Marvin Lewis, it seems, has no problem employing guys who have the most trouble differentiating between the two. In fact, Lewis seems most comfortable (and successful) employing guys to whom that line all too often isn't even an issue. Sure, football is a brutal game, and players will get hurt, sometimes very badly, but the hit Geathers laid on Green yesterday should not be condoned or acceptable, though I fear it is exactly the type of play Lewis quietly applauds when nobody is around to see.

All of that said, I think the 2006 Bengals will be a very good team. In fact, I'd list them as co-AFC favorites alongside the Steelers. The Super Bowl does not seem out of their reach and it would not surprise me in the least if they make it that far.

But I sure hope not.

And the longer Chad Johnson is kept out of the endzone, and the longer we're spared his oh-so-important celebrations, the harder I will laugh.

Splendid Start

2006-09-11T08:16:00.000-07:00

Before we begin planning the ticker tape parade down LaSalle Street for sometime in early February, let's keep a healthy perspective on the Bears' 26-0 rout of the hated Packers to open the 2006 season.

Look, the Packers are a bad, bad team. Awful. Possibly the worst team in the league. We could be talking pre-Brett Favre Packers football. Do you remember how bad that was? Does the name Don Majkowski ring a bell? Favre was foolish not to retire, or to at least take his services elsewhere for one last shot at glory. Mike McCarthy is a rookie coach who may soon be wishing he held out a little longer for a head job. Ahman Green is old. Lambeau is overrated, a boring, outdated stadium that belongs in the Big Ten, not the NFL. No, it's not a good time to be a Packers fan, nor are the Packers a team to truly gauge yourself against.

So, in the immortal words of The Wolf from Pulp Fiction, "Let's not start sucking each others' dicks just yet."

That said, any Bears fan would be in denial if they claimed that yesterday's easy waltz in Lambeau hasn't stirred that part of their soul that dares to dream big, big, big. That's what happens when you open the season with a perfromance that, really, couldn't have gone any better. And it really couldn't have.

After being raked through the coals throughout the preseason, Rex Grossman had the offense moving up and down the field. In the past, everytime a Bears quarterback went back to pass, you automatically thought a) here comes a turnover, b) please don't get injured, or c) this could be good for a few laughs if nothing else. Yesterday, when Grossman stepped back in the pocket and scanned the field, you actually looked forward to what the play might produce. It was weird. I guess this is what it's like when your team has a workable passing game. Who knew?

Hell, even the normally useless Desmond Clark was made to look good with five catches, which I believe matches the output of all Bears tight ends in 2005. Granted, if you really wanted to get picky, you could wonder why the Bears struggled a tad in the red zone, which is something they'll need to improve on, but other than that, the offense actually looked like a real offense from a real NFL team. Which is unheard of around these parts.

Meanwhile, the defense picked up right where it left off last year and saddled Favre with the first shutout of his career. After some careful number crunching, I've discovered that at its current rate, the Bears' defense is on pace to give up zero points this season, which would probably be some sort of record. And I think it's within reach. Brian Urlacher, Lance Briggs and the rest of the crew definitely had that dogs-after-loose-meat vibe going on. The Unknown Column loves that vibe. Loves it.

When Devin Hester ran back an 84-yard punt return for a touchdown in the fourth quarter, it was like, for that rarest of moments, everything was clicking. Offense. Defense. Special teams. Everything. I can't remember the last time the Bears had a legitimately scary return man, although I can clearly recall Bobby Wade and his nine fumbles by midseason last year when he pretended to fill the role. If Hester keeps this up, and the defense continues to do its thing, the Bears are going to win a lot of field position battles. And if this happens, they could be downright downright scary, especially if both Thomas Jones and Cedric Benson are healthy and productive.

So, yeah, it's good to sit here on a Monday morning and feel like things are looking up, up, up for the Bears.

But let's be serious. Let's keep a finger on reality. Let's just be thankful that there were no serious injuries and pray to the football gods that this health continues. Let's look at Detroit coming up this weekend for what it is: a team that took the Super Bowl Seahawks down to the last play of the game yesterday. Let's remember that there are teams far better than the Packers out there and that it's a long season. Let's not get too excited.

But, just to be safe, let's keep LaSalle Street open on February 9, 2007. That's the Friday following the Super Bowl.

Tonight's Likes

2006-09-08T11:50:00.000-07:00

Pittsburgh (-7.5) at Cincinnati. I can't believe I'm betting on Dave Wannstedt. I'll never, ever forgive him for his tenure as Bears coach. Never. And I'll probably regret this bet. But whatever. I'm taking the Panthers a day after betting against the Steelers. I can't go wrong on the Steel City two days in a row, can I?

September record: 0-1

Enough is Enough

2006-09-08T11:18:00.000-07:00

Listen, I'm all for women playing against the men. In anything. Honest. I'm 100% behind it. I rooted for Annika Sorenstam when she ventured onto PGA tour. I rooted for Danica Patrick when she emerged on the Indy scene. I even rooted for Joey Harrington when the Lions weren't playing the Bears.

And I was all about Michelle Wie doing the unthinkable and playing against the men as a teenager. I thought it was a fantastic story. Many said she was rushing things. I said, "Hey, let the kid try! Why not?"

But enough is enough.

After Wie's latest embarrassment, at the European Master's, this is an experiment that has run its course. Who exactly keeps pushing this? Is it Wie herself? Is it her father? Is it her endorsement deals and sponsors? Whatever it is, it's reached the point of being ridiculous. She's not only missing cuts - she's missing them badly. It's quickly and sadly becoming a running joke. You better believe that the hushed laughter is growing at each stop she makes. Oh, you better believe there are plenty of male golfers enjoying her every failure with an I-told-you-so air about their satisfaction. It's obvious that she cannot play with them (at least at the moment), and until she actually wins a women's event, it remains to be seen what sort of mettle she has against golfers of her own gender.

I think Wie will be a fine golfer - against other women. While she has yet to win a women's event, she has come close. Very close. It's only a matter of time before she lands her first win. Hell, it may only be a matter of time before she's the most dominant woman on tour. I wouldn't doubt it. She seems to have that sort of potential. And hey, maybe someday down the line she can try her luck against the men again. When she's properly ready.

In the meantime, however, let her chase greatness where greatness is attainable. Let her be great.

And stop making her a laughingstock.

Let's Go, Buehrle

2006-09-07T12:01:00.000-07:00

OK, as hard as I've been on the White Sox lately, I think I should be fair and point out that the starting rotation pitched three consecutive gems in Boston. John Garland, Javier Vazquez and Jose Contreras combined to allow just three earned runs in 22 innings.

Wow. That's filthy and that's exactly the type of performance that frantic Sox fans have been waiting for from the rotation that was widely lauded as the best in baseball but has been far from living up to such high praise.

Mark Buehrle is up tonight as the Sox return home to face Cleveland. Buerhle has struggled as much as anyone to find consistency, and returned to Chicago early to have an MRI done, but let's hope he can keep the starting rotation rolling. That would be exactly what is needed.

Here we go now.

Random Videos

2006-09-07T11:50:00.000-07:00

Here's a funny video of a guy trying to hit a golf ball, which leads me to two observations:

1) Ouch. That had to hurt.

2) Check out that pad. Good Lord! Living in a spot like that is my dream, I tells ya, my dream!

Here's the video of Bert Blyeleven infamously swearing during a recent Twins telecast. Honestly, I can't believe such a big deal was made out of this. Having seen it now, it really isn't any worse than what the average eight-year-old hears at school everday. Am I wrong here? So many tight asses out there.

Steve Irwin crying over a dead crocadile.

Lastly, Cracked compiled the ten best Jackass skits.

While I Appreciate the Sentiment...

2006-09-07T11:36:00.000-07:00

Wycleaf Jean thinks President Bush should smoke pot. Um, I think he's smoked plenty of pot in his day. And snorted coke. And pounded whiskey.

None of it has helped.

On Second Thought, Stay In Your Car!

2006-09-07T10:59:00.000-07:00

"Yes, officer, I've had a few too many drinks tonight - but hey, I kept my clothes on this time!"

This is precisely why I love the fact that the Bears play in the NFC North, where the play isn't just bad but everything is downright comical. It's a freakin' circus!

Apparently not to be outdone by the Vikings' sex boat scandal or Brett Favre's demise into utter crap, Lions defensive line coach Joe Cullen has been arrested twice in the past two weeks -- once while police say he was driving nude and a week later on suspicion of drunken driving. At least give this guy some credit for being persistent.

I love this part...

The ticket does not provide any other information about why Cullen allegedly was nude. The Lions said alcohol was involved.

Gee, you think? It's exactly that type of forward thinking that makes the Lions what they are. Heady stuff, that.

Of course, Cullen was hired away from the University of Illinois, which was the Lions' first mistake. Does Matt Millen even pay attention to what goes on in the rest of the football world? Did he not notice that the Illini are the joke of Big Ten football? Oh, and Cullen was also fired from the University of Mississippi in 2005 after an alcohol-related arrest at a restaurant. How does one GM get this bad? How did he get a job in the first place? How does he still have a job? This is all baffling.

May Millen never be fired as Lions GM. I already miss the neanderthal antics of Mike Tice. The NFC North can't stand to lose Millen as well.

I'll be thoroughly disappointed if the Bears lose one game in the division this season. I mean that.